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Thinking about how it happened

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by blazalaza, May 20, 2010.

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  1. blazalaza

    blazalaza Member

    This is my first post. tongihts a rough night as you all know how it is. Everything is replaying in my mind over and over again.

    My birthday is 12/28 and this year, for my brithday my friend took me to a party on new years eve. I got drunk with him. My first time drinking. Fun right? I messed around with him, no big deal.

    But his friend. His friend kept watching me, I can still feel his eyes on me the whole night. He'd keep coming in and touching me, rubbing me everywhere while i was with his friend, trying to get me to have sex with his friend. I had no clue what was goign on.

    Eventually that topped and we laid down for bed and i tried to put my clothes back on, but the friend wouldnt stop. He kept tugging my clothes down.

    I remember thinking abotu my brother(ill explain down below) and i got scared and kept saying stop you have a gf. you dont have a condom. im goign to puke. stop stop stop. trying to punch him and anything i could gather the strength up for. but he was twice the size of me. He would thrust my head down on him, i remember choking. I remember him yanking my arm back and forth. Then i remmeber him grabbing me and not letting go. Feeling this painful presure. "I'll be ok if he's just fingering me, it's ok if he's doing that, you can stop that." is what i was thinking. But then I felt one arm above my head and the other went on my breast.

    I wanted to scream. I hated him. I said no as loud as I could but I couldnt even hear it. I was so terrified. Fear tranqulized my body. And this guy was raping me. As the friend I came to the party with laid right beside us and asked why the bed was shaking.

    It hurt so bad. I wanted it to stop. I can't even remember how long it was, just that i was trying to get away. That i kept trying to roll myself away. Half asleep scared and lost in my drunken stupor I tried to get away from him.

    I remember reaching down and puncuhing him and getting it out of me. I was so... I had no idea what to do. I know i rolled away. I know later maybe 15 mins he grabbed me again and tried to make me give him a hand job. I know I hit him then.

    I know that he did soemthing bad to me. That's what I know. I don't know why nobody believed me and why everyone calls me a ***** because of it.

    ***I feel it's my fault because I was afraid to fight him off at first because my brother used to beat me up a lot. Choke me, threaten me, hurt me very badly. Then he started molesting me instead of hurting. And now thats how I think of guys. that's why I reacted the way I did.

    I can't stop thinking of this event.

    I makes me want to tear apart my skin. I hate myself for not fighting harder. I hate that I let it happen.
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Nothing that happened was your fault! That guy was a sick fuck :hug:
    Im sorry this happened to you... :hug: thats awful hun. But remember it is NOT your fault. You said he was bigger than you?? so then if he was how could you have fought him off?? Hun please believe me when i say it is not your fault. :hug:
  3. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you sweetheart :hugtackles: But it was not your fault and if he was bigger than you then there was probably no way that you would have been able to fight him off. I am so sorry and I know how it feels to be sexually assaulted by a complete stranger "/ I am always here to talk- as is everyone else! Good luck :stars: xoxoxxooxox
  4. kitsune

    kitsune Member

    This is absolutely not your fault.
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