Thinking about it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by morbidobscurity, Aug 18, 2012.

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  1. morbidobscurity

    morbidobscurity New Member

    Lately I have been thinking suicide and here is why. (Long and morbid life story)

    I guess I should start with some background.First of all, I wasn't exactly a "planned" baby and my parents bailed on me early.I ended up in foster care and then with my nan.My adolescence wasn't quite that bad. Then again I feel I missed out extremely by not having either parent. My mom was on drugs and my dad just didn't give a s*** about anybody but himself. He never even signed the birth certificate. My mom was not equipped to be a parent and after a few years foster service stepped in. After that happened she never really made much attempt to get me back. She was drug addicted then and 15 years later I can only assume she is still drug addled. My dad was not a drug addict just kinda a scumbag. He had 5 kids with multiple females and I am one of them. He never took care of any of us, I just know that I have a bunch of half siblings out there that I never speak to. Basically he never really cared about anyone but himself and that's about it. He never once has tried to establish contact with me and never payed a dime of child support on any of us. His whereabouts are unknown.

    Anyway,I was placed in foster care for approximately 2 years and it was a bit wild. No child wants to be taken from his biological parents if it could be helped, but my mom was totally unfit to be a parent and I agree with their decision. Foster care was not that great.They were a bit overbearing and I do not look back on them with fondness. Later my Nan adopted me and that was good.Things were pretty good until maybe middle school.Middle school and high school I was not too fond of. Needless to say I dropped out by 10th grade and got my general equivalency.I had a few acquaintances in high school but never reestablished contact after dropping out. After high school everybody ended up moving off. Going to college or getting jobs or moving.In those 3 years all their lives changed and I became forever alone.

    After highschool I was never really motivated to do anything.My Nan is (80+) years old and can't be bothered with anything.She doesn't really seem concerned with any of my problems.Basically my whole family is broke including her.Typically 80+ year olds are retired but she still cuts hair 3 days a week. She gets nothing else but Social Security.That has supported us for almost 10 years.She wants to retire.

    In 3 years I have done barely anything.I am no longer a teenager however I still feel like one. I never was successful in getting a job or any type of work experience. I tried unsuccessfully for a few months yet couldn't. I eventually gave up.I would really like to blame the recession for my problem getting a job but that is a flimsy excuse.Why lie, I just totally gave up on getting any type of employment and it feels bad. I have no friends from highschool and no friends at all. I suppose I never felt having friends was important but now I think it is crucial. I also tried getting my drivers license unsuccessfully 5 times. It sucks when you have no friends and your Nan has to teach you how to drive. I do not think I will ever get the experience needed to pass the test.

    I feel horrible being 4 years behind all the other kids. I live in an extremely rural place and 99% of kids have there license and a car at this point.It sucks that I am thinking about getting my license right now while other kids my age are talking about moving out! I do not realistically see how I am supposed to move out. My big problem is my Nan is getting really old and I don't have any other family at all. I have not been in contact with either of my parents since I was 5. I do know that they both have other kids with other partners and that they are both broke and don't care for me. My foster parents whereabouts are unknown as well,not that I would consider living with them again.

    A few months ago I filed for disability for bipolar disorder. Which I have been diagnosed with,however I do not think that I will get disability either. Everything just feels so futile.At first it hurts when things do not go your way,than you give up and then you don't care. I do not have the money to afford college either. My whole family is poor not just my Nan. I am at the point where I don't know what to do with my life.I am not motivated to work. I ran out of my anxiety medicine a few months ago.We are not insured either. We cannot really afford a doctor's visit either.

    Sometimes I think about suicide.I would probably not do it but then again maybe. I felt really bad when failing my drivers test the 5th time.I started drinking after that. The place I live is so rural that I must have applied to every fast food place in town, but I gave up.

    My Nan doesn't have anything helpful too say.I think she is starting with Alzheimer's. I am pretty much always either bored or depressed. I know that nothing will change after posting this but at least It still feels good too vent.I don't see how I will ever have a normal life without parents. Advice?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You should do some volunteer work that make you happy h un Work with animals or with children elderly somewhere you feel you have something to give. You disability i hope your doctor help you fill out the forms If you do not win the first time most don't you reapply ok that is how it works but get a doctor to help you fill out forms
    Your Nan is lucky to have you in her life hun as you are lucky to have her. Try hun to get out and do something take a course anything that interest you so you can meet new people hugs
  3. Throwmeawayout

    Throwmeawayout Active Member

    That does sound like quality advice. For as long as you are unable to collect disability, or are unable to find employment, try to find other opportunities to get you away from home. Failing that, is there any major task you can take on at home?
  4. morbidobscurity

    morbidobscurity New Member

    Honestly I have lost all motivation.I am not going to volunteer.I do not even feel like leaving the house most days.Honestly there is not much I can do.I want to be on disability.I think I should be on disability.

    Truthfully I am cannot think of anything (besides winning the lottery) that would make me happy.No one ever motivated me in my life and I am not a self motivator.

    I have no sense of time.Most days I couldn't tell you the day.The only thing that is decent is alcohol.Although it doesn't give me intense pleasure.Nothing gives me intense pleasure.I feel neutral about most things.

    I feel like other people are motivated and happy and busy.Nothing effects me.I think I have dysthymia.I do my own chores and that is about it. I am utterly not motivated to do ANY type of work. Let alone a 9-5 and put up with a boss.I have never had any sort of discipline in my life and probably won't.If I do not get disability I probably still won't change anything. I am basically a ghost.

    Suicide is enticing I have to admit.I used to have motivation to make things change.Now I don't really care.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you don't care because you are to dam depressed to care hun You have to get your depression looked at. Some of the medications actually give you energy to motivate yourself

    Nothing will change unless YOU change it hun You deserve to be happy just pick up phone and get your doctor to get you some therapy some meds to get you living again
  6. morbidobscurity

    morbidobscurity New Member

    @Total eclipse That is the reason I applied for disability.I would like to visit a doctor but 75$ a doctor visit is too high.We do not have National Healthcare in USA...yet. I know it is different in Canada and people just walk right in and get prescription.Here you can be "to poor to get sick".
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    That is too bad hun I do hope you get the disability support soon
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