Thinking About My Father

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Godsdrummer, Jan 19, 2012.

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  1. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I am going to pour my heart out and I wonder if anyone will read this all the way through or even care.

    I woke up this morning, sat on the side of the bed, and told my wife, that I couldnt do this anymore. What I was referring to was work. Getting up at 430-500am everyday, to drive an hour away for work. In the back of my mind, I was also thinking of life in general and then I thought about my father.

    Actually I have been thinking about my Dad alot lately. He was smarter than I was, in that he stayed in school and got his college degree. It was in Special Education. By the time I was 7, he had given up on that. I think part of it was, when some crazy folks attacked Mom and me when i was 5 and tried to kill us at the State school my dad was teaching at.

    Anyway, he went on to work odd jobs and by the time he was my current age of 46, he had given up. He suffered from terrible depression and would stay up nightly til 2 or 3 am watching TV. He would get up around 11am, eat something, and go and sleep on the couch until my Mom came home from work just after 5pm. He would eat dinner and then do it all over again.
    eventually he got to a point where he molested my niece when she was 7-8 years old.

    My father went to prison for 5 years, almost died while in the joint, came out with the mental capacity of a 3yr old, and died a year ago from a brain clot.

    I say all this, because there was one morning when my father sat at the edge of his bed and told his wife, that he cant do this anymore.

    I am afraid I am turning into my Father. I wont molest anyone. But I am at that point of giving up.

    But one thing my father didnt do that I do, is play drums in a Christian rock band at church every Sunday. And yeah, we are no longer a praise band, we are indeed becoming a Christian rock band.
    But I am sitting here typing this with an ace bandage on my right hand and wrist, from the practice I had last night. I have to wonder how long I have left.

    And the only thing that got me out of bed this morning, was the song, Voice Of Truth, playing in my head.

    I will work until I die, for that I am certain. So now I am hoping that death finds me quickly.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Are you seeing a Pdoc?? Sounds like you need some professional help..I'm sure you aren't your father.. Everyone is different..Maybe some meds are called for..
  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I am on meds.
  4. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    At least your on medicine... I assume you saw your Primary Doctor when you got them. Do the meds help you? If not I would ask for different ones, of course continue taking your current ones. Until you get new ones from your doctor. It's alright though that your afraid your turning into your father. From what I've learn we tend to emulate our parent's weather we want to or not. We pick up things that we usually don't want to pick up. However there's ways to break the circle as I call it... But it takes time and being proactive.

  5. sihuskyzoi

    sihuskyzoi Well-Known Member

    I get that.... that trudging through daily existence thing. I get it. I'm sorry you are there... its an overwhelmingly difficult place to be. I'm glad you are still going forward. Takes the strength of an army to go forward every day when you feel like that. You sound like a good provider. I'm hoping your days get easier and you are able to continue to find a reason to move forward.

    I love that song by the way.
  6. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I am sorry this happened to your dad.
  7. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I forgot to put that I'm sorry for you dad as well :( Prison is a horrible place ... It's also sad that he died from a blood clot. :(

  8. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi Bill,

    I am so sorry your father had such devastating experiences. Ever since I started reading your posts, I have been so glad to see you getting things off your chest with people around you who understand, and I can only hope our responses ease your heart for a moment. Know that I admire your faith and your passion for drumming....may it continue to bring renewed meaning and enjoyment to your life for a long time to come. :hug:

  9. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I hope that you'll find our posts helpful and ease the pain your feeling right now :hug: Please continue to share your feelings with us - it helps to let loose stuff of our chests once and a while. Everyone here is supportive and listening to you.

  10. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    You are not your father.

    We all have the chance of being the best that we can be. Awareness and compassion are the key to everything and you seem to have those in abundance.

    Try to find something you are passionate about. Sometimes the smallest things in life make everything have some meaning.

    Hope you get better. =)
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