I am going to pour my heart out and I wonder if anyone will read this all the way through or even care. I woke up this morning, sat on the side of the bed, and told my wife, that I couldnt do this anymore. What I was referring to was work. Getting up at 430-500am everyday, to drive an hour away for work. In the back of my mind, I was also thinking of life in general and then I thought about my father. Actually I have been thinking about my Dad alot lately. He was smarter than I was, in that he stayed in school and got his college degree. It was in Special Education. By the time I was 7, he had given up on that. I think part of it was, when some crazy folks attacked Mom and me when i was 5 and tried to kill us at the State school my dad was teaching at. Anyway, he went on to work odd jobs and by the time he was my current age of 46, he had given up. He suffered from terrible depression and would stay up nightly til 2 or 3 am watching TV. He would get up around 11am, eat something, and go and sleep on the couch until my Mom came home from work just after 5pm. He would eat dinner and then do it all over again. eventually he got to a point where he molested my niece when she was 7-8 years old. My father went to prison for 5 years, almost died while in the joint, came out with the mental capacity of a 3yr old, and died a year ago from a brain clot. I say all this, because there was one morning when my father sat at the edge of his bed and told his wife, that he cant do this anymore. I am afraid I am turning into my Father. I wont molest anyone. But I am at that point of giving up. But one thing my father didnt do that I do, is play drums in a Christian rock band at church every Sunday. And yeah, we are no longer a praise band, we are indeed becoming a Christian rock band. But I am sitting here typing this with an ace bandage on my right hand and wrist, from the practice I had last night. I have to wonder how long I have left. And the only thing that got me out of bed this morning, was the song, Voice Of Truth, playing in my head. I will work until I die, for that I am certain. So now I am hoping that death finds me quickly.