Thinking about paying someone...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KittyGirl, Dec 23, 2009.

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  1. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Yeah. I faint when I bleed even just a little, because I am terribly anemic... I've been thinking lately that I'm in so much pain and meds and having loving family members around isn't helping at all... I'd rather just pay someone to kill me.

    Like: "do me a favour...? I'll give you all of my christmas money mod edit>helena: methods <
    I've been thinking little by little about how I would kill myself, and I know that I'm too weak(physically) to do it myself; and too scared to even attempt incase I don't actually die.
    I've been locked in my house for over 4 months and nothing has changed...
    I've changed medication 2 times and upped the dose too many times to count and it isn't working... I'm so sick of being heartbroken and lonely and feeling like everyone is out to hurt me and crying all day long- not being able to eat or sleep; I just don't want it anymore.

    It's really sad when the only friend I have to talk to all the time is my cat... and it's not like she can turn me down. -__-
    I just feel so pathetic.
    I don't even want to see my extended family on boxingday because I look and feel like shit... I don't think I could hold a plastered smile on for that long.

    I'm not sure what I'm looking for here on the forums...
    I always thought I didn't want sympathy-- which is why I don't tell many people how I'm feeling apart from my mom and therapist.
    But I guess it may be alright to hear what people who are also in my shoes are feeling?
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 23, 2009
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    funny but I've thought the same thing as pay someone to kill me...that way it isnt real suicide, and it would force me to face up...

    I dont have any friends in real life, and well only my mom really cares about me...she's the one that keeps me alive in a way....

    on this forum though, I found a few it does help a little, although I wish I had friends I can see in person...
  3. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    I always think of disguised suicide, basically me killing myself and make it look like a horrible accident. I won't go further onto methods...

    So why are you suicidal? We all have our reasons.
  4. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I've felt alot of different kinds of pain in my life.
    I kept on living because there was someone who loved me though... and now he doesn't.
    I found out today that he's dating someone new and I feel pathetic because I haven't been able to move on at all.
    I know that everyone is different in their healing processes, but if I have to keep living confined to my bedroom- hating myself; unable to look in a mirror- being afraid of everyone and everything around me, I feel like I'd rather just be dead.

    I'm leeching off my mom now, and I'm ashamed.
    I've got no other choice though-- I'm stuck here being a burden to her and to my brother.
    They care about me, but this pain is too much for me to handle and it still feels like the moment that my heart broke. I can't breathe... I'm suffocated by fear.

    I'm just pretty useless.
    The world could do with one less useless person like me.
  5. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    you're not useless...right now its hard, and it probably will be for a while...but don't give sound like a strong person, you will get through this...keep talking to us...talking is very beneficial...maybe you could find a therapist that could help you?

  6. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I'm currently receiving visits from a local therapist a couple of times a week.
    I've been feeling this way since August... it just doesn't feel like it's gotten any better- even with therapy and meds.

    I want to feel better
  7. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Have you talked things through with your family? involve them in your recovery proccess, you're not a burden, they want to support you, they're family. You need to find a new path, things can get better, you just need real support and you have it in your reach. Just stop feeling like a burden, it's untrue.
  8. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I totally understand that...I wish I could feel better is so hard and being alone feels even worse...but I dont want to give up, I want to believe there is someone out there for me, and I'm sure there is someone out there for you :hugtackles:

    but you are right...I wish I could do or say something that would make you feel deserve to be happy, everyone deserves to be happy :hug:
  9. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    It sounds like your family really cares about you. If you already haven't let them know, please let them know all this. I feel really bad for you; you're not worthless, it sounds like you are a sensitive and good person.

    The best thing you could do is get out of your room and do something that might cheer you up. Even just go for a walk. It can be refreshing and freeing.

    At this point, it sounds like the meds are not going to make you feel better, so you should try being a bit more physical. That always has helped me.

    There are a lot of people who care about you. We all hope you can find your hapiness again. We'll be here for you in the meantime.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 23, 2009
  10. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I have talked with my family-- I talk to my mom about my feelings every day; but I'm too embarrassed to go into the details of some topics with her- so I leave that for therapy.

    I do physical things in my room almost every day.
    I have a yoga and pilates routine that I've been doing since last December.
    Some days I just don't have the energy or the incentive to do anything.
  11. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    That's good, I bet you're in great shape. That's a lot more than most people I know do.

    But don't forget one of the keys here... You really need to get out of your room. It's making you more depressed by the day. I know that when I've gone into a deep depression, all I feel like doing is staying somewhere where I feel I can't be hurt, like home, or even in my bedroom.

    It's the worst thing for me, every time. I have to force myself to go outside and run. Run like you're being chased, or you're trying to tackle happiness itself. The more you tire your body, the better you will feel the next day. It will be easier to sleep, you'll feel more confident, and you might even meet a special person...

    Please try it out, I always hated running/walking when I was younger, but I've found that sometimes it's necessary for my physical and mental health.
  12. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I admit that I have done that a few times before... mostly at 3-4am, when no one's outside.
    There's so much snow outside now, and our roads aren't plowed- so even if I really wanted to at this time of he year- it would be really tough.

    I'll keep that in mind though.
    I think I'll be going outside to do a bit of driving over the holiday... if I'm up for it, anyways.
  13. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    Yeah, it's kind of crappy around Illinois as well. Rainy and cold... Ugh.

    If you're all by yourself when you go, grab and MP3 player and listen to some fun, energetic music. Heck, dance to it while you're out there! No one's going to care. I know I have fun when I do it. :)

    I have to admit that I have a tendency to do the same... Go out late at night when no one is around, and walk the lake trails. I live in the middle of nowhere, so it can be a bit lonely sometimes. If you live in a city, it should be a little less lonely.

    It's great talking with you!
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