Howdy all, I try not to think about it, but suicide seems to keep up on me no matter how I try to escape it. I don't know if I'd call it suicidal ideation - it's just that I do not see myself in the future. Seems to me that ending it all might be an easier way to escape - this world is too torn apart, I don't think I can pick up all the pieces or rebuild myself to where reality is a comfortable place to reside. Saint Mother Theressa once said "the most terrible poverty is loneliness". I feel so, so alone, like no one I can talk to about discoveries in mathematics I've made. I have no one to vent my frustration on learning so much on. My warm heart is not felt by those who I've given my trust and feeling to but it is only on a visceral level . Feel like I'm floating in outerspace - nothing to wrangle me back in. I'm all alone and no one can save me from drowning in this sea of sorrow. Just wish I had someone in my life who I can count on (in the physical, not virtual realm). I feel so broken apart inside. I'm drinking vodka with my klonapin and no one notices. I don't blame them, just another psycho in the midst, easily forgotten. Heck, I lit my legs on fire at the university duck pond (people moved away and provided no help). Rode the bus smelling like burnt flesh - permanent scars. I ever go swiming nor do I wear shorts after that incident. Just wish I was incredibly weatlhy and didn't have the financial burden. Wish the child molester from my past got justice. Wish that I didn't have to suffer in such lonliness with no one to grab my hand as I drown in this sea of sorrow. The anti-psychotics I'm on are doing nothing for my depression, the psychiatrist is nothing more than a pill pusher. Makes me want to stop being a burden on society. Hope is well with everyone else. PS I'll keep hanging in here for another few months before catching the bus.