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Thinking in circles.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ambitus, Oct 17, 2007.

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  1. Ambitus

    Ambitus Member

    I've been having suicidal thoughts for the last 2 weeks, generally increasing in frequency as time progresses. Feeling severely depressed, I have shut myself off from the outside world, but have made attempts to resolve what problems I'm going through, mainly thanks to family members, and as a result have been put on a course of anti-depressants, but for me I don't feel like I'm making any progress, and have turned my thoughts so inwardly that I don't know how to escape from feeling like I have to escape.

    I don't know whether events in my life have led me here, or just a general build up of fear and paranoia have caused me to feel on the edge of making one decision or the other. The problem being i've been on this edge for a week, and I really am at a loss at what to do.

    I worry so much about life that i've managed to rob myself of one. I've talked to people, i've been given advice, but all I seem to be able to do is try and understand why I'm feeling the way I am, and I feel like I could write my way into infinity trying to understand how I feel. When you're scared of life as much as death, you only end up going in circles, while everything slowly begins to crumble around you. I feel like not making a choice is in itself the choice i've made. I don't know how much longer I can cope feeling this way.
  2. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF.

    I'm not sure how long you have been on the anti-depressants but it can take up to 4 weeks before you see any change in your mood..you will also have to be on them for a minimum off 3-6 months.

    Have you spoken to a counsellor, psychotherapist or psychologist about how u have been feeling ~ as the circles you describe I'm sure they would be able to help you understand, and help you straighten that circle.

    Keep fighting, keep posting. Ur not alone, we do understand.

    Thinking of you

    lost xx
  3. Ambitus

    Ambitus Member

    I've only been taking them for 2 days, now on a month-course as the first fortnight prescription I was given was as an aid to sleep, and just continually made me feel drowsy and didn't really help.

    I've been put on a waiting list to speak to a councilor, but it'll take over a month before I'll be able to see one. I'm just at a total loss at how to resolve this loop i've gotten myself into. I fear taking steps forward because I already feel like I'm at the bottom, and don't even want people to know I'm struggling with this (although many now do) which makes me feel even more inferior to everyone else than I already do.

    I'm concerned that by the time I see someone I'll have reached the point where I can no longer cope with feeling the way I do every waking moment. The only moment of comfort I feel right now is crawling into bed at night, reading until my mind is completely elsewhere, then manage to fall asleep while struggling to keep my thoughts off of my current predicament. I've gone through the same routine for the last week and it's wearing me down mentally more and more. Feeling helpless and so sure that there isn't a solution is making me physically ill to the point that eating has become difficult.

    I'm not sure what I'm hoping to accomplish by trying to explain how I feel, but it seems more progressive than pacing back and forth not sure what to do with myself.
  4. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    2 weeks, well there's hope there aint there.
    good to see urve organised to see a counselor, dont worry a month will go fast, if you find you're struggling, contact them, im sure they could push it forward with urgency
  5. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    i know how you feel, keep on with the meds and talk to us here and outside help, you will start to see a difference.
    for the last month i have been wanting to die but with help from friends/counsellors and the guys here i have started to see things just a tad different, feelings are still there but i maybe see hope and thats what i am working on.
    you are never alone here.
  6. Ambitus

    Ambitus Member

    It's not getting any better at all. I've lost all motivation to eat, or enjoy anything. I constantly feel sick now from not eating and more and more frightened of the outside world. My thoughts of killing myself are becoming much more organised and I'm even finding myself doing research on how to end it. I continually wake up during the night, and often lay in bed in the morning wishing nothing existed, that I hadn't been born, or that I could just end it with the press of a button.

    I don't even want to go home, staying with other members of my family so I'm never alone long enough to do what's constantly on my mind. If I don't kill myself I fear I'll end up starving myself to death. I can't see any way out and I have no idea what to do, things feel out of my control. I feel like I have no life, and every day I'm hiding myself more and more and finding more ways to convince myself to give up this constant pain and end it all, because not existing doesn't seem too far a step down from how I feel every waking moment.

    I don't know who to talk to or what to do. It feels over already, and what I'm doing now is just putting off what feels inevitable.
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