thinking it might be rational to end it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lawstudentindebt, Nov 5, 2009.

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  1. lawstudentindebt

    lawstudentindebt Active Member

    Hello all,

    1. Financial reasons. I am a 26 year old law student at an Ivy League University, which I borrowed over $200,000 to attend. Note that student loans are not dischargeable in bankruptcy. When I enrolled, the career placement statistics reported that the average starting salary for graduates was between $145 and $160k. Based on the available information, it looked like a good investment. But now, it's looking like 2/3 of the class won't be employed, and those who are will have to settle for $40k, which is of course more than most make, but not livable while paying off a $200k non-dischargeable loan. I have done well here: I am in the top 20% of my class, on a law journal, etc. However, it doesn't seem to matter--there are no jobs for entry level attorneys this year, due to a perfect storm of economic collapses in the legal profession. This has been widely publicized, and the New York Times has even characterized this year's legal crop as the "lost year." I have applied to every kind of legal job possible, including many which just last year I would have considered beneath my dignity (a notion that I recognize the immaturity of). I have serious doubts that I will ever be able to pay off my loan, given that an attorney's starting position is generally determinative of the rest of his career (yes, I know there are exceptions but they are rare, and I have no reason to believe that I will be the exception).

    2. Regrets about choosing law school. Before coming to law school, I was pursuing a personally rewarding but unlucrative career, which I will not specify, to maintain anonymity. I confess, I came to law school for the money, which was foolish, and just picked the wrong time to do it. I would have been happier in a career that I could have loved even if I would have been forever broke--than in a career that I don't particularly love but chose for the money but won't pay out in the end. However, the nature of that career requires daily attention to maintain the proper skill level, and since I've been in law school for 3 years, it would not be feasible to pick up where I left off.

    3. Lack of close friendships. I don't really have anyone who I consider close. I have a lot of acquaintances, but nobody who I suspect would really miss me. I've had a lot of girlfriends--they seem to find me physically attractive initially, but then once they get to know me, they say things like I'm "emotionally stunted" or non-conversational. I don't think they really loved me, or would be interested in coming back to me. I don't see the point of going to find anymore of them, as it's always disappointing when they leave. I don't really talk to my family that often, and I don't think they really mind that. I just generally don't feel like I'd be particularly missed.

    4. Don't feel anything. I don't particularly feel depressed; emotionally I feel quite cool-headed and sterile. Mainly I just don't feel any happiness, sadness, or anything, so since I'm not feeling anything, I might as well just stop waking up and feeling nothing.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2009
  2. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    You have to feel something if you found here and write here.
  3. lawstudentindebt

    lawstudentindebt Active Member

    Yeah, I just kind of feel numb--I remember what it's like to not feel numb, so I guess what I'm noticing now is the difference between feeling something and feeling nothing.

    I know that suicide is generally discouraged, so I thought I'd just see if someone had some good discouraging reasons before I just go ahead with it.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Why don't you go to one of those debt consolidation places..In the mean time take what you can get job wise.. This recession can't last forever..As far as women go, you probably have lost a little self esteem because of the job situation..That and studying all the time has hampered your social skills..You need to get back out there and socialize..Now that you have all this time on your hands maybe you can become more than just an aquantence with others..Try and make friends with them..
  5. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey :)

    im sorry about your situation. as joseph said, the recession can't last for ever.

    how about you use this time productively whether it be voluntary work in a relevant area to make your skills even more desirable when you do find jobs you would like to apply for or within research or something. both of those things would increase your employability over other people because of your increased knowledge / experience and would also demonstrate your enthusiasm.

    you obviously worry about lack of contact with other people / friendships. is this something you would feel comfortable about actively changing? what do you think a good way to meet more people would be? do you have any interests outside of work where you could meet likeminded people?

    because you feel numb at the moment doesn't mean that things won't and can't change. it sure takes considered effort and time but things change and often for the better.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you are feeling this way...glad you found us...have you sought professional help? Feeling numb is a very common symptom of depression...why not see what treatments are available, as you deserve to feel...also, we are here to support you...I am sure that there are many members who can identify with what you have written...welcome again and please continue to post...big hugs, J
  7. Tim.

    Tim. SF Emoti-King

    Hi, I'm an attorney myself (not practicing anymore as I hated it), so I have a few opinions on this. First, I hope you applied for clerkships (my guess is the deadline for applications has passed but you won't know for some time - can't remember).

    But assuming you can't find the firm job you're looking for and don't have a clerkship lined up, I would make the following observations, and in general that some things might not be as bad as they appear:

    1) Firms hire people that have bounced around all the time. If you really want to work for a big firm, find something law related to keep yourself busy and when the economy turns around you will get plenty of consideration.
    2) Loans, and student loans in particular, can usually be worked around for some time. I think the standard is 6 months after graduation, and then pretty much anytime you can call and say "I can't make the payment" and they will give you another 6 months or something.
    3) Depending on your student loan type, certain types of work can get them cleared off the book or reduced. I think things like teaching, working for the peace corp., etc. can do that. I don't know what the exact terms/requirements are, but it is worth looking into if your loans are government and not private.
    4) A final possibility - starting up your own firm. I know a few people that did this. It's not easy. It's risky. I don't know how you would do it exactly. But it's possible.
    5) I know schools will give you access to therapists, I recommend seeing one. If this is just recent maybe they can help you get over it. I also recommend talking to your law school's career services staff about your job concerns. If you can make them your friend, they will help you out.

    Beyond the practical suggestions, good luck feeling better. It sounds like you have a lot of things going for you. I know that doesn't necessarily make you feel good or feel anything at all. It's tough.

    I don't know if any of this is any help at all, but if it is and you want to talk or have questions feel free to ask anytime.
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