Thinking it through

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jsecret, Feb 20, 2011.

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  1. jsecret

    jsecret New Member

    I've been suffering with severe depression off and on my whole life, but steadily for at least 3 years now. It started with issues with my wife, but just seems to have become a dark blanket over everything in my life. Now, I spend all my energy just trying not to cry in public. I've been through lots of counseling with a very good therapist, I've tried 3 different anti-depressant medications. I don't feel like I'm capable of functioning normally in this world anymore, and I know I'm becoming a burden on my wife, and will soon be a burden on my very young kids.

    We've had a suicide in our family when I was growing up. I've seen the grief and turmoil that it causes. I just wonder what the least destructive path is to take. I've been thinking it through for a long time. I want to make sure that no member of my family finds my body (in fact, hopefully the body would not be found). It would not be violent or disfiguring. I would do it far away from our house, in an area they would never have to see, and there would be hardly any cleanup for paramedics. I want to leave a note that explains that it's my internal pain and faulty brain (I think of it as thought cancer) and not their fault at all. Just try to convey the agony that this is for me. I know they'll be fine financially, and I'm stating in my will that I don't want a service or plot.

    So I'm wondering what else I can do, even little things, to make it any easier. I'd like to pack up or sell my belongings so they wouldn't have to, but that would be difficult to explain. So I guess the question is... is there anything else that would help them in their grief? I know they would be better off without me, but I also know the shock and grief that people go through when a suicide occurs.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it's the depression talking when you think they'd be better off without you 'cos that's simply not true. perhaps the diagnosis is not right. anti depressants won't work for someone who is bipolar, for that you need different medication. i know because i was misdiagnosed with depression at first before they figured out exactly what was going on with me. please explore all of your options before you do anything drastic.
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