Over the past 3 moths I’ve been thinking about commiting suicide, the mere thought of it is present in my everyday routine. Btw, I’m 21 and Chilean. During these last 4 years of my life I’ve been through a lot of shit. My so called “big family” are all dead, some of my friends commited suicide or got killed while street racing. Of course that was a huge strike in my life, and I mourned their death for a long time, I even thought about killing myself too, but somehow I managed to overcome it. Then, I had a gf whom i spent 3 ½ years with, but we had to mutually break up cause she was moving to Argentina. In those times, we made the promise that we were going to move on and find someone else to love. She was lucky, and found a guy who treated her good enough, but after a while he was unfaithful and he would even emotionally/physically mistreat her. Of course we were bff by that time and I was worried about her. Then, some time later I received a call from her dad, he told me she had commited suicide because she fell deep in love with that argentinian bastard... but it was weird though, I cried all that night, and the next day I felt some kind of relief. Anyway, then after a year a pretty shy girl entered the college I’m currently studying. I immediately thought she was the one. I was too scared that year so we would communicate by email or fotolog. Then the next year after that I finally made up my mind and asked her out; it took us some months but we ended up having a beautiful 5 months relationship. Then, the day she broke up with me, my world started to shatter again. She told me I was the perfect guy she always had wanted to have but somehow, and since I was her first bf ever she said she didn’t love me and that she only loved me as a “good friend”. Reluctantly I had to accept her terms to be friends. We decided that we were gonna try it the next year and that we should take the 3 months summer breaks to think it over. Our friendship was fine til someday she stopepd answering my emails (we were at our respectives cities b4 coming back to college again) without apparent reason. We didn’t talk for a long time and then when I finally got to see her again she had changed. She was colder and indifferent, I was debastated and pissed off at the same time so I behaved just like her. Then after a couple of fights we managed to keep the friendship but nothing was the same, she didn’t feel like talking to me and recently I stop putting my endevours on the line. I just don’t fucking get it, all i did was loving her and all i receive is indifference, she really doesn’t seem to give a shit about me and even though she said she loved me (as a friend), she does nothing to prove it. Of course there are more details, but i won’t tell them just not to bore u more. The fact is that we broke 3 months ago and the feeling is killing me inside. This time around I feel like I’ve reached the bottom and that i can no longer reach out. Life sucks, I have no gf, no friends to rely on and the worst thing is that I have to fake and pretend that I’m ok.... Then my parents, I always fight with them, they don’t understand shit and they are not helping at all, they just want me to get good grades at college and stuff. If i commit suicide I won’t give a shit about them or anyone, I mean i do love them, but they don’t know the pain I’ve endured these past 4 years of my fucking life! Im their son and they don’t even know my true personality!!! I was always the strong guy who would overcome any shortcoming without even worry about it, like a happy-go-lucky person but since I met this gir I’ve become weak. I have noone to talk to... besides nobody wants a friend who is always in pain, let’s face it, ppl are so damn busy with their miserable lives living in their fantasy worlds that they don’t have time for the others! I always have time to be there for someonw but all I receive is a cold treatment and ppl getting away from me coz I already helped them... Fuck, the society we live in nowadays sucks! The media seems more important, the vampire stuff, everything is more important than love! C´mon ppl!!!!! why is it that hard to find someone who cares about you, when it’s so easy to find someone who looks down on you?.... Oh, and let me tell you something about “god”.. I’m a believer, but I give a shit about religion. Religion is just something the churches created to give ppl something to believe in. There’s nothing worst than a person praying to good to help them... c’mon god is not gonna help! And if u asked god to be successful and u succeeded at that, it’s not because of god, it’s coz of ur personal motivation!!! god won’t come down here and fix ur problems, so don’t even mention that cruel bastard!... I would rely on music to reach out, but nothing seems to help, i don’t enjoy doing anything and I hate my current situation... plz don’t say everything’s gonna be ok coz it wont... i dont really care if after my death ppl or my parents are gonna result hurt, I wish that happened so that way they could undergo what I’ve been through my whole life. Why ppl have to w8 til some big shit happens to realize they could have done something?... probably they would say “oh he was in pain, and I didn’t realize it” or “shit, he is my ex bf and i screwed it up, I shouln’t have to stop talking to him” or whatever!..... I’m mature enough to know what the pros and cons of this action are, and I really hate the situation I’m into right now. There’s no turn around here, i mean obviously noone cares, I can see that everyday!!! my mail is now empty, during classes nobody notices me, that’s shit!!!!! I’ve overcome this suicidal feeling b4, but now it’s the bottom line, the point where there’s no return! I’m just waiting for the right time to do it while I continue suffering because of everyone else’s behaviour towards me..... The method I’ll use is <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>, I once heard that an old retired man would drink a small amount of that mixed with lemon, he said it was good for ur health but if u put more <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> than “a little bit” u would die; some day he had a hang over and he miscalculated the amount of <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>, eventually he died... Fuck life ppl!!!! I dont really want to keep on living like this, suffering and death surround me everywhere I go! Fuck off, if nobody cares, then I’ll just take the ticket to nowhere and get the fuck out of this miserable life! at least i’m writing this for u guys to learn something: Tell the ppl around u that u fucking love them... one day they could end up like me u.u
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