Thinking of heading for the exit

I think I'm deluding myself if I think if I can keep this up. There really isn't that much left that I care up about anymore. The more I ponder where my life is, the I just want to work on an exit strategy. I could make a quiet exit and it would literally be days before anyone would even notice. I simply don't fit in with anyone's world anymore. Sooner I accept this as fact, the better off I'm going to be.

All I crave is release from this existence. Whether I simply cease to exist or am consigned to hell, at least I'll no longer be in this hell. I've made to many mistakes to believe I have any chance at heaven. That's for people much better than me. I simply exist and really offer nothing special. A few people might be sad at my passing, but then they barely noticed while I was here. It won't last very long.

Sometimes I think that self awareness is an evil joke. My preference would simply to not be, just not exist. That would be true heaven. It probably won't be like that, but better or worse, what I'm suffering through now would be over. I'm just tired. And I've taken up enough of everybody's time. I no longer wish to be a bother to anyone else. And I know if I remain, that is all I will truly be.

 

There is nothing you can do that God cannot forgive. All you have to do is go to him and ask. The hardest part is usually forgiving ourselves. But we all make mistakes, and we can't change the past. So, we have to try and change the future.

I know that it can feel like Hell here on Earth at times, but if there is truly a Hell, I believe that all the loneliness and sorrow we have here will be magnified many times, and it is for eternity. That's why we shoot for the higher place.

Sometimes we underestimate our importance to others. You said there will be people who will be sad at your passing, and I bet they'd be a lot more upset than you think.

I don't know all that is going on in your life, but I'm willing to listen if you feel like talking. You can even pm me if you'd like.

I don't know if you are on any anti-depressant meds? Sometimes we may need something to help if we have a chemical imbalance that is adding to our problems.

Please keep reaching out. It's never too late as long as we are still taking breath.

 

you crave peace a change of enviroment you do not crave death that will only cause more suffering to others. You have a chance to right what wrongs were done as i have been doing. Get some therapy get on some meds reach out as you are doing here. There is always a way to change your space your predicament. Look into community groups go to hospital just give yourself that chance at a better way. Your worth it you are you can give so much more but you have to get help to get well take care

 

I hear you Life Hiker, everyone's world is foreign to me now as well and I am ready to leave. Thanks for posting, it's nice to know that others are dealing with the same or similar thing.

 

i've felt tired not knowing if i could keep going either cuz i didn't know what the point was there wasn't much i cared about... not where i work what i do where i live & many people i've known have been rather disappointing so i've thought about how to end it all... cuz i don't fit in....
i'm not just paraphrasing your first paragraph... i've felt the same... you are not alone... maybe we just havn't found the right place in the puzzle to fit?
idk although theres not much i care about... i do still care... about other people & the more i concentrate on little things that i enjoy & not the negative stuff that's happened that i can't do anything about... the better i feel...
i'm trying to focus on what i do enjoy long enough for life to turn around cuz in the past it always has... you never know whats around the corner.
Kevin

 

Thanks for the comments. It is nice to know I'm not the only one in the world who feels like this, though on some days, it's a tough sell.

I am on medication, and it does help. I think without it, no one would be hearing from me at all. And I do know that people would miss me, but there are days when this doesn't seem as important as finding a release.

This latest down cycle was particularly nasty. I spent three days just hiding in my apartment, mostly sleeping and watching television. I joined SF specifically because I was look for other people like me who would at least understand where I was coming from. Where I could truly say what my mode was without them coming completely unglued. My ex often got angry with me during my down cycles, asking how I could do this to her. Or she just pretended it wasn't real.

I'm careful with my friends not tell them how I really feel. I don't know how they would take it. But this leads me to isolate from the world, which sets up a feedback loop just reinforcing everything. Here, as I'm discovering, I can post my true feelings at the time without the guilt that I might hurt someone, which can really send me over the cliff.

Sometimes I just need to know someone -- anyone -- is there who will listen and say, "I understand." It's a lifeline.

I haven't given up on my battle yet. I wouldn't be here if I had. And when the dark clouds come, and they will, I just need a place where I can tell it like I feel it. And I hoping this is the place I've been searching for.

God bless.