Thinking of my ex

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Oloriel, Nov 18, 2010.

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  1. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Today would have been the fourth anniversary of my ex-boyfriend and me. He was my first kiss, my first love, really my first everything. And he also hurt me. I am always afraid of admitting to myself and to others that I was abused by him, because he never hit me or raped me or hurt me physically. But he demeaned me and manipulated me in ways that were never entirely clear to me until I'd been in a second relationship and been able to compare. Now even though I know he used me and hurt me...I still have a hard time admitting it. When I get depressed it's so easy for me to forget what he did to me, and when I can't remember how I was abused, I just figure that I am exaggerating the situation or being an attention *****, and that everything he said was my fault really was.

    I'm a little scared of what to do with myself. My friends tell me that this is just another day now, but it doesn't feel like it. Four years ago today, I was getting my first kiss. How do I forget nearly three and a half years with a man I thought was going to be my husband, even at the times when I didn't think that was what I wanted? Part of me wants to contact him really badly. I don't even know what I would say. How are you? Still dating that redheaded chick you met after me? Deflowered her yet? Oh, I'm fine, just suicidal. But don't worry, it's not because of you. I mean, it is, just not that I can't live without you. More that you sorta traumatized me for life.

    I would have nothing to say to him. And I know if I did email him, all he would do would be to strategically insult me until I was a weeping pile of crap. He was always so good at that. And he would demand to know why I dared to talk to him, after what I did, and say that he had never wanted to hear my name again, and I had better get out of his face. Though he would do it while calling me a lot of names and swearing a lot.

    I just wish I could show him what he's done to me - my outer scars, my meds, the broken pieces of who I was before. But I know he would deny it - after all, how could he have abused me? He loved me.

    ...I'm not even sure if he really ever did. That might be the scariest thing. I am so sure that he loved me, and if he hurt me he did it unintentionally, that he would never hurt me on purpose. But I think I sound like a case study when I say that. ...It would make more sense to think that he used me. But for three years?! ...I let him control me entirely, and I wasn't always unaware of it. I even told him I worried about it sometimes. I just don't know how he could have lied to me that deeply...

    I'm rambling now. The point is, I miss him, and I shouldn't miss him. I am ashamed. And I wish I could just sleep my way through this day. But I can't. People here inspire me to be strong - I have to be strong, right? I have to try. I have to forget.
  2. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    You shouldn't feel ashamed of feeling this way and missing him, it's a natural reaction, and even more so because he abused you.

    In my opinion, you definitely should not contact him. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to show him the damage he has caused, but it wouldn't solve anything or help you feel any better. The man abused you - you shouldn't ever let him back into your life.

    I can promise you something though; although it doesn't feel like just another day this year, it eventually will become just another day. Right now, that seems impossible, but it's true. The pain will lessen, and days like today will mean less too.

    You can be strong and get through this. You are too strong to let this beat you, and deserve to be free of this pain.

  3. RainbowDust.

    RainbowDust. Well-Known Member

    Hey love.
    You shouldn't feel ashamed for missing him, I sometimes miss my ex girlfriend who was physically and emotionally abusive to me.
    And there's an ex boyfriend who was sexually abusive to me who I think I will always feel like I miss.

    But at points and times, the feelings go and it all falls back together, even if its for a little bit of time.

    I do not think it is a wise decision contacting him, I know if you think hard enough about how much pain and distress he's caused you, you will know that leaving him be is the best option.

    Keep going and stay strong

    If you ever need to talk you can PM me.
    Take care
  4. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    You have to let him go.

    Rebuild your life.

    He is past history. Do not go back there. Move forward.

    Steven Siew
  5. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Re: Thinking of my ex - li'l update

    I messaged a friend of mine back home, trying to reestablish contact. I haven't talked to any of my old friends since my breakup with my ex, since he said to specifically "stay away from his friends." This is the first person who actually KNOWS my ex that I am going to tell about how he abused me. I am afraid. I am scared he will not believe me, that he is already on my ex's side, that he will try to hurt me the same way. And then he will probably tell my ex that I messaged HE will come after me too.

    I am glad I am abroad. The panic about this didn't set in until AFTER I hit send. I am wondering whether I made a terrible mistake. But I miss my friends...I knew them all before I knew my ex...and they were my friends too. ._.

    I don't know how or if I should tell him what my ex did to me and what is wrong with me now - I want to, I want to scream it, and it's so easy to tell my problems to a computer screen...but this is a person I know and know will he react to knowing I cut, am suicidal, was abused by one of his good friends? Would he believe me?

    I'm so afraid. >.<
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