Today would have been the fourth anniversary of my ex-boyfriend and me. He was my first kiss, my first love, really my first everything. And he also hurt me. I am always afraid of admitting to myself and to others that I was abused by him, because he never hit me or raped me or hurt me physically. But he demeaned me and manipulated me in ways that were never entirely clear to me until I'd been in a second relationship and been able to compare. Now even though I know he used me and hurt me...I still have a hard time admitting it. When I get depressed it's so easy for me to forget what he did to me, and when I can't remember how I was abused, I just figure that I am exaggerating the situation or being an attention *****, and that everything he said was my fault really was. I'm a little scared of what to do with myself. My friends tell me that this is just another day now, but it doesn't feel like it. Four years ago today, I was getting my first kiss. How do I forget nearly three and a half years with a man I thought was going to be my husband, even at the times when I didn't think that was what I wanted? Part of me wants to contact him really badly. I don't even know what I would say. How are you? Still dating that redheaded chick you met after me? Deflowered her yet? Oh, I'm fine, just suicidal. But don't worry, it's not because of you. I mean, it is, just not that I can't live without you. More that you sorta traumatized me for life. I would have nothing to say to him. And I know if I did email him, all he would do would be to strategically insult me until I was a weeping pile of crap. He was always so good at that. And he would demand to know why I dared to talk to him, after what I did, and say that he had never wanted to hear my name again, and I had better get out of his face. Though he would do it while calling me a lot of names and swearing a lot. I just wish I could show him what he's done to me - my outer scars, my meds, the broken pieces of who I was before. But I know he would deny it - after all, how could he have abused me? He loved me. ...I'm not even sure if he really ever did. That might be the scariest thing. I am so sure that he loved me, and if he hurt me he did it unintentionally, that he would never hurt me on purpose. But I think I sound like a case study when I say that. ...It would make more sense to think that he used me. But for three years?! ...I let him control me entirely, and I wasn't always unaware of it. I even told him I worried about it sometimes. I just don't know how he could have lied to me that deeply... I'm rambling now. The point is, I miss him, and I shouldn't miss him. I am ashamed. And I wish I could just sleep my way through this day. But I can't. People here inspire me to be strong - I have to be strong, right? I have to try. I have to forget.