thinking too much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by screweduploner, Dec 13, 2006.

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  1. screweduploner

    screweduploner New Member

    I never thought I would become suicidal, and maybe I am not. Maybe I am just a whiner who needs attention.

    Lately I have been thinking more and more about THE END.

    Specifically I have wondered what it would be like for someone to push me into a fatal car accident. Then it wouldn't be suicide, but I would certainly welcome it.

    Around where I live, there is a long turn lane that ends with a stop sign as it curves into the next road. Almost everyone treats it as a yield and does not stop unless traffic is coming.

    But I stop every time I reach a stop sign.

    Some day I will be rear-ended and pushed into oncoming traffic, and if things work out as I would like, a big truck will come along and totally cream me.

    Even if I don't die, maybe I will be laid up somewhere, unable to work or do anything for a while. Then I will be able to see how many people remember me, while I am not doing anything for them.

    Maybe then I can lose weight and not be a fat slob anymore.

    Maybe I will need surgery on my face so I won't be as ugly.

    Or maybe everyone would be better off without me. I mean, it's not as if I can afford a hospital bill, even with insurance.

    I sometimes picture my funeral, all 2 or 3 people there. Everyone else will be working or just not give a damn. My boss will replace me and the place will run better than ever. My few friends will get along just fine after a brief moment of thinking about how much of a drag I was.

    This is not cool at all. Normal people are out LIVING, not sitting at their computers telling the whole world about how they can DIE. What is my problem? Where did I go wrong?

    I'm afraid I will be found out. I don't want anyone to reach me at home or anything. Please tell me this is anonymous.
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Yes, this is anonymous. It doesn't sound like you really want to die, you simply want a life change. It won't just happen for you, you need to do it for yourself. Start working out and eating right. Hang out with your friends (I'm sure they care about you more than you know). Do things you enjoy to make yourself feel better. For example, set a goal weight and once you reach that weight, treat yourself to some new clothes. You would be amazed at how little life changes like this can help your self-esteem and help you to get so much more out of life. Sounds like you're in a rut, so shake it up a little bit! Find what makes you smile and do it!
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    You sound deeply depressed and its colouring the way you see life, yourself and the people around you. Pay a visit to your doctor, you may need some anti-depressants.
  4. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Thinking really is the enemy sometimes. I get stuck in moods where I focus all my thought on my shortcomings...Its definately not good
  5. screweduploner

    screweduploner New Member

    Why do I do this to myself? Not 2 days go by when I don't just jump into bed and cry. Fortunately when I am asleep I am not hurting.

    I have convinced myself that I have little or no value to anyone I know.

    Sure, if I told them I had fits where I scremed at myself to die, or pleaded with God to take me, they would tell me how much they loved me and how much I meant to them.

    Bull crap. I don't do anything in this world that someone else can't do better, and without the emotional baggage I carry and put on everything.

    Thing is, I am too much of a wimp and/or a screwup to carry out anything correctly. That's why I would have to hope for an accident.

    But to address what someone said, I guess I don't really want to die. If I did not feel as if I was such a failure, a waste of resources, a bad friend...if things were going well and my mind did not tell me the things it does...I guess I would want to live. So I guess I want these bad feelings to stop. Yet they've been going on in varying intensity for at least 8-10 years.
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Then be the best friend/son/daughter/worker you can be and then say bollux to the rest! You can only be the best person you can be, and that is absolutely FINE. nay, NOBLE.

    Take Michael Jordan. BEST basketball player EVER (and my personal hero). When his father died, he chose to try his hand at baseball, because his father always loved the sport, and so did he. He SUCKED. He was terrible. His batting average was somewhere around .125-abyssmal. But, he showed up every day before any of the other players and stayed later than any of the other players. He worked his ass off, knowing the WORLD was watching him, laughing at him. He put in the maximum amount of effort with little or no tangible reward. He had everything to lose and almost nothing to gain. The news reported each day saying that he was humiliating himself, degrading himself, when he should have been playing basketball. Do you know what his coach said about this? He said, "I can only hope that someday, my own son will "humiliate" himself the way Michael Jordan has". Once MJ realized that he had put in the maximum amount of effort into this endeavor, only then did he quit baseball...and he still looks at it as one of the best experiences of his life. It is not about success or failure, but about your personal integrity and diligence. You have the ability to change yourself, your life. The goal for Jordan was not to be the best baseball player in the world (although he will admit that this would have been a fantastic side-effect). The goal was to be the best baseball player that HE PERSONALLY could be. He accomplished that goal, and everything else was ancillary. What a wonderful way to look at life.
  7. thecleric

    thecleric Guest

    This might not be the best example for the average slobs here on SF, peanut!

    And this was in the minor leagues. (A triple-A team, but that's still a long way from the Yankees.)

    This seems more like an example of the tremendous freedom that already having success and cash can offer. Yes, he's an extraordinary natural athlete. But not too many non-world-famous people can just walk into a triple-A ball club. Normal people have to earn their way in, and are constantly desperate while they're there, because they're not making much money, and the odds of making the majors are quite slim.

    You're right that his extreme fame did place certain pressures on him that normal people get to avoid. But because his fame was earned (unlike, say, Paris Hilton), he could more easily brush off criticism.

    But there's one last 'but.' Despite all his success, he was still exposed to the worst parts of life, as when his father was murdered. And he conducted himself admirably in that awful situation, made worse by the public scrutiny.

    So perhaps that's the real example and goal he can offer SF types--trying to conduct ourselves well in bad circumstances.
  8. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Well, Michael Jordan wasn't always famous or a gifted athlete. When he tried out for the Varsity basketball team in high school, he was told by the coach that he would never be a good player, and that he should probably just give up. However, the coach also told him that if Jordan was willing, that he would show up at the gym every morning 2 hours before school to train him personally. Jordan accepted this proposition and the rest, as they say, is history. Imagine what his life would be like now if he allowed others to dictate his life for him. Jordan is an exceptional personality, in that he refused to allow others to determine his own self-worth. He consistently set goals for himself and never quit until he had put in the maximum amount of effort, sometimes to great success, sometimes not, but always with determination and dignity.
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