Thinking...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Roseannadanna, Jan 14, 2014.

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  1. Roseannadanna

    Roseannadanna Member

    I've been thinking so long know about death, dying, taking my own life and wondering quite often why I shouldn't.

    First, I feel strongly about autonomy and one's right to choose the time and place of one's death. I do not consider it a sin or a cop out or even a betrayal to the handful of folks with whom I'm connected.

    I've been isolating quite a bit and self-medicating somewhat even though I have a perfectly capable MD drug dealer who makes sure I'm properly medicated for bipolar. But in spite of years and years of therapy, mood stabilizers, group counseling sessions, and a couple of hospitalizations about a decade ago, I am somewhat incompetent at intimate relationships; oftentimes angry or completely passive, and, I can't seem to cure my addiction to being alone. It feels very much like an addiction; I have a run of two days when I'm out of the house doing things, bug immediately afterwards, I need another five or six days at home, the only place I feel some level of un-self-consciousness. (Excuse the poor grammar). I do, though, get anxious and depressed during these times.

    I have no spouse or children to worry about; no one, really to worry about. I make myself somewhat useful writing part-time to pay the bills. There isn't much I get excited about these days, and even a plan for a night out with friends causes me so much anticipatory anxiety. But I am present and somewhat engaged when I keep those plans.

    But really, I feel done. I've had successes, a few good lovers, a country and urban living experience. I've played Beethoven symphonies as a violinist and listened to the greatest orchestras of the world play them better :). I've eaten at fine restaurants, had poignant discussions about all sorts of topics with people far more sophisticated and intellectual than myself.

    But now, and for some time now, I've been dead inside. So when I say I want to kill myself, I'm saying that I'm done. I'm sad and lonely and really do feel done, and this is nobody's fault. I'm just done. Is that so terrible? As it is, my life revolves around intermittent therapy sessions where I can speak these thoughts to a paid-for friend so as not to freak out the few free ones I have. But even with shrinks, I self censor to make sure nobody's cover-your-ass instincts kick into high gear and I find myself in a locked ward. Thankfully, there is one therapist I trust to not go into that mode, so I'm lucky I can speak to her occasionally and let these thoughts out.

    I just feel done. I am done.
     
  2. Robodoc

    Robodoc Member

    Hi!

    If you wish, you are more than welcome to PM me and we can discuss this in more detail..?
     
  3. duckfeet

    duckfeet New Member

    You astonish me. You've played in an orchestra (holy shit), you've had lovers, you've done the fine dining thing, and you're thinking about killing yourself? You're a fucking rockstar man. And I know you'll probably scoff at that and think "well who the shit cares about what I've done , I want people to care about who I am ."I know it's silly for me to call you a rockstar and gush about what you've done but I still think you're worth a great deal in this world. People have heard you play and probably been moved to tears, or at the very least to chills. People have sat next to you in your discussions and probably thought you were an insightful and interesting person. I understand the anticipatory anxiety thing. I've gone through tidal waves of it myself and it's a nightmare. But you've still managed to accomplish so much on your own. I want to die myself and the desire is so strong but reading your post I feel somewhat relieved. Relieved because I know that I won't actually do it knowing that there's someone like you who is still alive even though they have the same desire that I do.

    I really think there's some big thing in your life that you're not acknowledging or that you're maybe ashamed of. I think you should practice honesty. I think that you should try that Liberal Psychology thing where people just lose their minds and punch their pillows or whatever. I think you should wonder about what kind of stuff you really want out of life. And don't worry if it's sexual, that's completely fine and normal.
     
  4. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    nanny,

    you just wrote my life. nothing but sleep now and therapy appts. don't even work. can't, won't, don't...who cares.

    i had my dream job. i've traveled the country touring as an actor. i did stand up comedy altho i didn't make it big. i was a school teacher and felt gratified at times thru that. i have a manhattan apt which is supposed to be the thing every body envies. i've had a lot of friends. i stayed and studied an an ashram. i've been to europe....now, nothing.

    andi can't sustain an intimate relationship. just had a blow up today becuz he left a soda bottle on the floor in the living room. it's like i push and push and push til they call me the names i truly believe i am. "monster, bitch, small, blah blah blah".

    this is no way to live. i am not encouraging you in any way to end your life. just saying you said everything i feel. and yes i've had people tell me, "but look at ALL YOU'VE DONE. you've done more than most people lhave. you've played to a thousand people on stage. you've gotten applause. people have laughed at your jokes. your can draw and you're so talented!! " well yeh. nothing's ever come of it. plus that was a long time ago. seems so anyway.

    this depression this ptsd this panic disorder whatever they want to label it has stolen all of it. and it sucks. this just effin' sucks.

    you're not alone in how you feel.
     
  5. Roseannadanna

    Roseannadanna Member

    Thanks, Duckfeet. I'm far from a rockstar, but it is sweet of you to draw that conclusion.it is comforting to know that you can identify with some of what I expressed. I'm sorry that you,too, live with a chronic desire to die. It really does lower the bar on life when we're comparing everything to "well, I could just die." It makes it hard to care about things.
    I'm glad you felt some relief from my post and I'm sorry you're in pain. I hope you find small moments of joy at times.
    I'll think hard about what you said about my possibly not dealing with some big thing that keeps me stuck.
    Be well and thanks again for reading and responding.
     
  6. Roseannadanna

    Roseannadanna Member

    Hi Annie, sorry I hit reply to your post when I thought I was replying to Duckfeet. I'm new at this.
    In any case, I wanted to thank you for your response and tell you I'm sorry you're in pain, but that you brought me comfort in identifying wit me. You say "Look at all you've done" and I have to say that right back attcha!

    I know it is tremendously hard to look back at your life and know you've done some interesting things; maybe even had a lot of ambition and then to arrive at this I-don't-give-a-shit state. I don't really know what stopped me in my tracks except that I was so overwhelmed and anxious at the speed of life; about demands made of my time; about how hurried and perfect I had to be (in my mind). I never dreamed that what I felt was a "diagnosable" condition and I'm still not sure I do. Sometimes I think depression is just a world view and anxiety is a natural response to the ridiculously fast pace of life these days and the over-the-top levels of stimuli everywhere around us.

    I'm quite impressed with all you've accomplished, even though I don't know you. And I hope you'll make it out of bed once in awhile to find some joy in those things that used to bring you joy.
     
  7. Roseannadanna

    Roseannadanna Member

    Thank you MB! That's a very nice offer.
     
  8. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    those sound like such meaningful things. what even happened for you to become so numb to them
     
  9. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    "I don't really know what stopped me in my tracks except that I was so overwhelmed and anxious at the speed of life; about demands made of my time; about how hurried and perfect I had to be (in my mind). I never dreamed that what I felt was a "diagnosable" condition and I'm still not sure I do. Sometimes I think depression is just a world view and anxiety is a natural response to the ridiculously fast pace of life these days and the over-the-top levels of stimuli everywhere around us."

    hit the nail on the head. lots of times i don't think i'm ill, but the world is and i can see it therefore i break down. both times i was admitted to the hospital i was so exhausted i couldn't move. running from one place to the next, here and there, and then i just fell into bed and then into anxiety attacks and inevitably depression and hospitalization.

    glad i could be of some comfort.
     
  10. Roseannadanna

    Roseannadanna Member

    I don't really know. I became incredibly overwhelmed by my professional world and realized I wasn't prepared for any of it, at least in the sense of being part of a much bigger world than the relatively sheltered one in which I was raised. After a time, I just went on strike.
     
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