Thinking

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by seeker, Jul 29, 2016.

  1. seeker

    seeker Member

    Today is, again, one of those days I am thinking about ending it. It is not about killing myself, it is about freeing myself from the constant pain, fear, worry, and anxiety. I am thinking ... what to do. - seeker
     
  2. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    For now, just keep thinking about it, then, try talking about it here if you can. We are all mostly in the same boat, ie: suffering some form of illness, be it mental, physical or both. We are here to help and support each other and that includes you now you are a SF member. Please, just take some time to read some posts here and you will soon realise you are not alone. Maybe post your own story, we all have one and we would be most interested in hearing yours.

    Welcome to SF.
     
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  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome to SF, What is causing the constant fear and anxiety? Is it something you can talk about with us? Please feelk free to share more with us when you are ready :)
     
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  4. seeker

    seeker Member

    Thank you for the welcome. -seeker
     
  5. seeker

    seeker Member

    Thank you for the welcome. I have been suffering from severe depression, GAD, PTSD (which was discovered years later) going on 29th year and occasional SF which comes and go. - seeker
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi @seeker and you are welcome. I can definitely relate to the anxiety and the post traumatic stress disorder, was raped when I was 12. But taht's another story. Wanna talk about your PTSD? It might help some?
     
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  7. seeker

    seeker Member

    Hey @Petal sorry for what you had to go through. When I was about 6 my mom attempted a suicide. I came home and found her in the bathroom on the floor. I did not know what to do, I froze then I ran for help (we did not have a telephone). They saved her, she had a goodbye note in her hand saying sorry and how much she loved me. Soon after my depression started, social phobia and anxiety. In my teens it was unbearable. Somehow I kept it together, I excelled in school and of the school, was the popular kid - but all this was just on the outside. On the inside I was rotting. I cried myself to sleep. I did not know it was connected to what happened when I was 6 but noticed I was very protective of my mom and very afraid of her well being. I needed to do something so I packed a bad and headed to a different continent. One of the main reasons being the fact I thought that by having such a huge distance we would "grow apart" not in a bad way but that my constant fear for her would disappear. It did not, after awhile it started again and then it was daily FaceTime with her to check on her, emailing my sister if mom had all her check ups (my sister is a nurse). In 2007 it got worse, I saw a doc and they did some tests and told me that I have PTSD from that day when my mom tried to end it and that I had repressed that memory (up until then I did not think about that day, did not have nightmares - but it was still embedded deep in my brain). They say the reason I am so terrified and protective is that I do not want to lose her again. There is no win-win situation in this scenario. I have done well in my life despite this constant pain; built businesses, pursued my passions but nothing makes me happy. I just want to end this pain and leave before my mom does. The irony? Despite having two citizenships I have no health insurance so I have no treatment. One doc got me on Xanax about 7 years ago. My fault I did not check out the possible side effects. He gave me fairly high dosage and as time went on and my body got used to it I was taking more, up to 30mg per day. Not to get high, but to function. Then one day I decided I did not want to be on Xanax anymore because I felt as if my personality was changing, my memory was not as sharp. I stopped and 3 days later collapsed, stopped breathing. My roommates were home so they called 911 and I spent 5 days in the hospital. I have no recollection of those days. I have been on many meds and it never worked so I ended them; with those I did not have problem but Xanax, boy that is a devil for me. I have been tempering it off slowly and currently I am on 7-9mg. But neither my depressions, GAD, and PTSD are treated. I am a man of faith (not religious but spiritual) and I just want to go home and reunite with the ones I love and where there is no pain. That is my story in short.
     
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Please be reassured you are among people who care and want to help you. We all suffer but we try our best to support each other on a daily basis. Sometimes the past remain like yesterday as one traumatic experience in your life can have a lifetime effect. Yes, you suffered then and no doubt suffering now.

    I am glad you joined the forum as it will help write your feelings down and get support from others on this site. We care about each other and others in the world who think about "final committment. At least your honest in your feeling which I feel through the passages written by yourself so far,
     
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  9. seeker

    seeker Member

    @Unknown_111 thanks for the welcome too. Although, I have battled with many demons, one of the things (values) my parents taught me was to be honest. I try to live --- more like survive --- by that code. It does not mean I go around telling my pity life story but in general. I think many of you have found yourself in situations in which other people came to you for help and you did, indeed, help them. Then it is that much frustrating to know you are unable to help yourself.

    I make videos for YouTube and also as a daily vlog (those I do not publish). The daily vlog is a bit hideous because I do not prepare my "speech" and lately most of my days have been about the same. I have always kept a journal; daily journal, the 10 year journal, journal for important events, gratitude journal. The daily journal is not that much of a daily thing but I am very consistent with my gratitude journal. Each day I write 5 things I am grateful for. It used to be easier but even the tiny stuff makes the cut. It is a small reminder of the big things I have in my life - even though I am de-attached from them.

    After a few years of living in Europe I am returning back to the U.S. and would like to try one last attempt to find help. Just the thought of the trip back makes me sick.

    Do you guys have any suggestions of how to ease the constant pain and the urge to think about ending a life?

    - seeker
     
  10. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again seeker, good to see you back. I find distraction works very well for me right now. Distraction is probably not a long term fix, but it works in the short term. I read, or I listen to music, post here, play games, watch a movie. They all have varying degrees of success. They take my mind off the dark thoughts that mean I ruminate on things which leads to thoughts taking over which leads to you know where. Its a case of finding the right horse for the right course with me. So reading might be a waste of time today, but music does the trick.

    I am trying hard to get to grips with Mindfulness, but its hard going. Concentration and focus are difficult and you need that with Mindfulness. You also need guidance, so trying it out at home is not a good option really until you have had some foundation work first.

    Easing of the pain depends very much on whats causing the pain.
     
  11. seeker

    seeker Member

    Good tips @SinisterKid. I have, for the most of my adult life, been more mindful. I meditate but even though I have gotten pretty good at it over the years, with worsening my state of being I feel like a beginner again. You actually get more anxious when you first start meditate, it is a common thing and a reason why so many people quit. But if you last, it gets better.

    I am jealous with your "reading". I used to be a vivid reader and now I can barely read an article. My concentration is gone. It is the worst during school semesters. I am the forever-student as one of my sisters call me and also a perfectionist which with these illnesses is not a great combo. Each semester I swear I will never take another one, yet usually I do.

    I LOVE music, I play mental tapes, like movies of how I imagine my life to be. Since film/cinema has been my number one passion since a very early age I also find some comfort in that. I think actually that may have been one of the reasons for me to become interested in acting when I was small --- to escape the reality and to be someone else.

    Lately (these past two weeks) I have been binging on The Walking Dead. I know I am way overdue. I had heard about the show when it started, everyone was watching it and talking about it. The fact it has zombies made me not interested ... but then I started watching the spin off Fear the Walking Dead" and liked it so naturally went to watch this. Man, what a ride. I often think about how it would be to live under those circumstances and sure it is horrible but I have come to a conclusion that perhaps "we" who suffer from these illnesses and are often times living in our heads would actually thrive in it ... well we would be better equipped for that life.

    I have a guilty pleasure and that is Pretty Little Liars. It reminds me my teenage years when we would watch Dawson's Creek --- without the crime. I do not have TV, gave it away but I do watch shows and movies on my laptop.

    The one distraction that has worked for me (and the people who suffer too) is sleeping. It is by far not productive at all but at least I do not feel the pain.

    - seeker
     
  12. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I read in short bursts. The Kobo reader my partner got for me records a few stats and one thing that is apparent, I seldom read for longer than 15 minutes, the average being 12 minutes I think it was last time I looked.

    Sleep just doesn't do it for me at all. I have trouble sleeping, even with medication to help me do so. I am somewhat of a insomniac nowadays, so dont sleep a great deal and even when I do, its not usually restful. I feel the same after 2 hours as I do after 10 hours.
     
  13. seeker

    seeker Member

    Sorry to hear about the sleeping. Sleeping meds do not work for me either and I also have problems falling asleep but when I do it is a bliss. I used to read about 3 books per week. I hope the day when I will be able to do so again comes sometime. Here in Europe my family had to add another library because we had about 300 books stored in piles. I love books. ... But yeah the visual is easier for me now. Any favorite shows or movies?

    - seeker
     
  14. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am trying to get into Game of Thrones. Managed all of the 1st series so far, on the say so of my son. I watch just about any film that looks half decent. I watched Deadpool the other day, that was fun. I love LotR and Matrix.
     
  15. seeker

    seeker Member

    Heard good things about Game of Thrones. I watched the entire first season of "The Returned" just to find out it is not returning. Bummer on all sides.