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I've been thinking lately, yes I know a very scary and thought provoking statement from me. Me, actually have a thought? Everyone run for cover because the smoke is puffing from out of the ears.

Anyways to the point. I've been thinking a lot about my life lately. I've been thinking about how the past 26 years have basically been a downfall and whirlwind of mistakes, regrets, and missed opportunities. The past 26 years have been me living in a sheltered world afraid to step out from the wall I've put up. I have been so afraid to even experience anything fun that 26 years have passed and I've really accomplished nothing. What do I have to show for my life at this point? Sure I have friends, but think about that, do I really have friends? Do people really and truly know me? Do they know my deepest darkest secrets and thoughts? I know that answer and so do my "friends" Now don't get me wrong I love all of my friends dearly and I am there for them any second they need me, but when it comes to me venting, expressing my feelings, it'll never happen. Too much shit has happened that is negative in my life to even remotely let out any inkling that "kelly is not okay". I smile, I smile, I smile, and the world won't shatter. I smile, I smile, I smile, and everyone thinks all is well, and that is fine. I won't venture too far from that because I will not let my guard down, I will not let people see my falter. I will not let people see me cry because crying shows that I am weak, that I am something other then the strong, happy, giggly(is that a word) Kelly.

Looking back at my childhood/young adulthood I see all the mistakes that not only I made but that my parents made in raising me. I see the faults that they have instilled in me. I am the hardened, fuck the world person because one person made me that way. Growing up I was told I was nothing, that I was too fat, that I was a useless bitch, and regardless of whether SHE will ever acknowledge it or not is beyond me. I don't care about that anymore because I see in her all her faults and insecurities. I see all her doubts on how she raised me, I see it in her eyes. I know she feels regret for the shit she's done to me but I can forgive but I will never ever forget. How can a child forget being cornered in her room and smacked in the face for wanting to know something? How can a child forget being kicked out of the car, barefoot in the rain, forced to walk home because that child wouldn't tell her why she wanted to die? I wanted to die because she made me feel like the only thing worth living for is dying. God, I know this rant is awful but holy shit if you actually read it, you will finally understand why...why I am the coldhearted, loud, obnoxious, insecure, scared person that I am.

I know what you are thinking, one person does not make you who you are, you make you who you are. Granted I understand that completely, I understand that I do what I do and I become who I am. I only believe that bullshit for so long. A person that grows up in a nurturing, loving home where a parent praises them and doesn't put them down grows up to be this strong individual. Over time a person who is beat senselessly to the ground day after day becomes nothing more then a scared, hateful, insecure person. SHE did shove shit into my brain everyday, and I do forgive her like I said and I know when and if I have children I will never degrade them the way that she did me.

So, not to leave out my pops because out of four children I am his only girl. I know he loves me with all his heart but whenever I had a problem, it was always it'll blow over or you'll be fine. I often wondered whether or not he really heard me, whether he just chose to look past and ignore it, or whether he just didn't want to admit that deep down his daughter wasn't okay. I look into his eyes now at 26 and I realize that I am a disgrace to him. I am a failure in his eyes because I didn't become who he thought I should be. I became this vengeful, hateful person because he looked past every comment my mother threw at me. I don't blame my father in any way, as a matter of fact through it all as odd as it sounds he's been somewhat of a rock for me to lean on..granted he ignored all my cries for help.

So, yeah, this was long, this was probably something some of you didn't care to or didn't want to hear..but alas I really don't give a shit. I just really needed to vent and let people see who I really am. I needed and wanted to see the raw and truthful Kelly, or at least a glimpse of who I really am. A glimpse is all you shall get because other then this I go...go back into my own world and let people see the bubbly kelly.
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