Third this year. First time posting.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by dancedancedance, Nov 21, 2011.

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  1. dancedancedance

    dancedancedance New Member

    Hello all, I have been lurking in the shadows a bit, not really knowing what to say and recovering from a recent attempt about two weeks ago. I had three attempts this year (four all together in my life) and the last one was the most serious.

    To back up some, after trying many different forms of therapy and medications, I decided to try TMS (Transcranial magnetic stimulation). My doctor recommended this form of treatment for my depression, but warned me of how expensive it was. I was happy to find out that my insurance was going to pay 90% of the treatment and went ahead with it. Unfortunately, mid way into my sessions, my insurance backed out and deemed it "experimental" when it is in fact FDA approved. I decided to go ahead and finish my sessions and try to appeal my insurance company, which is still going on at the moment.

    My TMS sessions ended around a month ago and considering I attempted again two weeks ago, I can say it was not effective for me. I don't want to sway people to wrong way who are currently in treatment or who want to pursue this, because it's different for everyone.

    I ODed on a large quantity of medication that I will not name; thinking for sure this would be the last time. Waking up 17 hours later, in shock, and not being able to see or walk, it took me around 2 hours to crawl to my boyfriend's room. (We live in a two bedroom apartment and got into a fight previously. Yes, he knows I am suicidal, and yes, he should have been suspicious about my locked door, but he says he thought I was just "mad" and needed "space".)

    3 days later I can actually talk, walk, and speak correctly again but some of my functions are still a little slow and I will still forget words. I am amazed at being alive and began taking up the practice of yoga in the past week. It honestly has helped me quite a bit.

    However, just now, my boyfriend and I got into another argument where he became verbally and physically abusive. Not going into all the details of that, I will say that usually this would throw my off the edge completely, but I think it is obvious I need to get out of this relationship and ending my life over someone who physically abuses me is not worth it. It's just going to be very hard to separate myself as I find my personality to be very co-dependent and have lived with him for a year and 6 months even through a knife point home invasion. I'm trying to be strong and I think meditation and yoga will be my only escape from this horrible reality.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I am glad you survived.
    Hopefully you can use your new clarity to get away from your partner. He will only make you worse, and he will never change.
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