Third times the charm.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by martenjr3, Jul 11, 2012.

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  1. martenjr3

    martenjr3 Member

    Hello my name is marten and i am a suicide survivor. I tried to commit suicide 2 times in my life. The first time was when i was 14 and the second time was a year ago. (i am 21 now). I am a depressed and feel like a outcast, i have little interest in people and i dont care much for life at all. I seriously need help or someone to talk to. I am suffering so much inside my heart and mind i want to kill myself now but i know its wrong somehow. I am not religious or care much for believing. In my eyes i am a failure and i dont understand why i continue to try to belive in a better life. I grew up a what people call a "privileged child" i got everything i wanted when i was younger but when i look back it was all empty. My entire life i have been tring to fill a hole in my heart that has caused constant hurt and depression. I was told it will get better since i was 7 years old. I tried reaching out to friends and family but no one gets it. All people see is a whinny kid who cant get what he wants anymore so he blames life. The women i called my soulmates all ended up with one of my friends and yes i mean this literally. I have a group of 5 home boys and each out of 3 of them the 3 women i ever loved are with them. One of the 3 i never found closure with and when i tried it she didnt understand my feelings and dismissed them. The second of the 3 had a son with my friend and i am now hes godfather. She cant admit she ever had feelings for me and even now she flirts and ask as if she does. Finally the 3rd slept with every guy she could get her hands on but me (and dated) and she used me for gain. This lead me eventually into my second suicide attempt a year ago. Both times being a attempt at overdose on pills but both failed. I feel empty, i am unemployed and i dont have a reason to continue. There's a mountain of things that pushed me to those past attempts but explaining would take too long. I cant find help i have no money and my loved ones honestly think im fine even when i try to say im messed up on the inside. Please i really need some guidance, i dont want to do suicide but it seems like my only option to just be at peace. I am not a coward, i honestly tried over and over to make these feeling go away but no one understand. Drugs and drinking do nothing but make the feelings in me explode into more self pity. I am hurting to so bad i just want it to stop. Is it really selfish for me to want this or for once in my life am i thinking about saving someone thats not someone else? Maybe for once i can save me...Please help me :(
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Marten good you are reaching out here for YOU hun. I am sorry you are feeling so alone hun but keep posting here ok keep talking here because it helps hun You will get to know you are not so alone I hope that you can talk to your doctor about your feelings you are 21 so everything will be confidential Your doc may have some avenues to help you that will not cost you anything hugs
     
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Hello Marten.
    There are so many things you can do to positively enforce yourself - drinking and drugs only bring things further down. Only by positive actions can you overcome the negative. What are your goals, dreams, aspirations? As a child, did you dream of doing something with your life some day? Chase those dreams now, you're still young. The more positive things you do, the less important the negative things become. How about volunteering to help out others? That's always soul enriching, even when you're feeling down. If you're going to give up your life, why not stay here and give your time and efforts then to helping others? Death is a complete ending, but helping others can bring about a change so that someone else may not end up in the same down situation you feel that you are. At 21, you have a TON of time left to meet a real, decent woman. They're out there, I have had mine for over 30 years. You have to stick it out because good things come only to those who wait, and who work hard for it. Best wishes.
     
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