So, first time poster and, with any luck, I won't be around for long. Way I see it, some people think about suicide a bit, then it kind of goes away. With me, its always there, in the back of my head, like a tape on constant loop. I can't sleep, I can't think straight and things are getting way out of hand. My family is a big cause of a lot of my problems. My mum constantly guilt trips me, tells me she wants to die, slags off my dad, calls me evil and twisted and fat and ugly. Every night all she does is attack me with negative BS about where she works and tells me how bad things are for her. My dad is an alcoholic who is having an affair and expects me to keep quiet about it, I've always come second to the pub. My uncle is disabled and has a gambling addiction. I've been paying his bills for a year, only to find out he expects me to pay £1000 to bail him out of rent he owes. I dont have any way of getting that sort of money. Girls and lack thereof are a big problem for me as well. Problem is I am stupidly ugly, result of a botched NHS operation. I can't help how I look, but its slowly killing me knowing that I will never have the same chance of happiness that everyone else gets. I get the little platitudes from people, things like "dont worry, it'll happen" and "theres someone for everyone". You know what, there really isnt, You name it I've tried it. From being the nice guy to sosuave and fastseduction. Im tired of waiting. 25 years old and I've never had a relationship that lasted beyond 3 weeks. Never saw that coming. Its the little things that get to me though, like my best friend dying in my arms and his parents blaming me for it, or my other best mate hanging herself, or the time my grandmother died and my aunt said she wished it was me instead. Or my mum threatening to drive us off the road and kill us, or my dad ringing me up pissed at 3am trying to have phone sex with that bitch he's shagging. I feel like Im drowing in the shite of life, its nothing but constant disappointments and let downs, the odd bit of false hope coupled with nothing but more misery. I work in sales. To those of you thinking of getting into sales, don't. Its just targets, targets, targets all the time. I sleep and think of targets, I have them rammed down my throat at work, Im targetted on about 25 different things, they add more all the time and when I complain about it, they tell me "its sales, suck it up". I can't find another job because there's sod all round here. And as for religion, I do believe in God, but I don't think he's a loving God, he either hates me or doesnt want me, and thats why the religious/spiritual conciquences of suicide don't bother me at all. The reason I think this is, is because, on a fundamental level, I was born with something fundamentally wrong with me, like a spiritual defect that affects how others see me and interact with me. I'm hideously ugly, I realise that because I get spat at in the street and girls just aren't interested, but its something thats fundamentally wrong with me, like my very existance is abhorrant to the world. I've tried medication , councelling, NLP, nothing seems to work at all. No matter what I do, I just want to die. So I'm giving it until the end of the third week in November, simply to see if things can improve. I know they wont because, for people like me, they never do, but its like I can't help myself. Don;t know how Im going to do it, or where, but Im definitely going to soon.