Thirteen Years Old .. Hi?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Atty, Feb 6, 2011.

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  1. Atty

    Atty Member

    I don't really know what to say. I guess I could start with my name? Call me Atty. I'm a thirteen year old girl living shittily .. if that's a word. I feel like all my troubles are miniscule to so many other people's here, so I'll cut it short. I've attempted to seriously commit suicide all of two times, both with xxxxxxxx. (Un)Fortunately, they didn't work either time, just leaving me disoriented when I woke up with stomach aches for days, sometimes so bad I just had to vomit.

    The last time I tried was about a year ago, and things had been steadily getting better .. up until now. I'm in eighth grade but under pressure from an advanced teacher of mine have started taking classes at my local high school. One of my new teachers there, my english teacher, hates me. She thinks since I am so young and basically only 'half' a high schooler, taking only two classes up there, I don't belong. Even though I do good on tests and things, she's still basically flunking me .. just because she hates me.

    I told my aunt about this, my only real resource because my parents are dead, and she just basically told me to suck it up. All this stress is getting to me and between the new people at the high school who are being horrible to me, because again, they think I don't belong (although there are some wonderful people there) and the fact that my english teacher is flunking me, with my other nearly perfect scores, is making me spiral. I've always felt that I've never been pretty or funny, or anything like that. The only thing I had was my brains.

    Now that my english teacher is taking that away, what, honestly, do I have left? I feel so helpless, and I told myself I'd never go back to that place I was a year ago again, but I feel like I'm just ending up in the same place. I take meds, Prozac, but God, nothing is helping and I feel like if I try to say something people will just tell me to 'suck it up' again.

    I'm sorry, I just needed to say something. Anything, and let it out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    That is terrible your teacher judges you like that I think you should talk to the principal get someone else to mark you assignments either then her. Your teacher cannot take away your brain you will always be smart and intelligent no matter what marks she gives you. Please go to your school councilor and talk okay let know what is happening and how it is affecting you If they tell you to suck it up tell them that is not a viable answer to your problem and that you want a different teacher or someone else to mark your grades.

    Also talk to your doctor as your medication may not be having the same effect it had before it may need to be upped or changed all together considering the stress you are under I hope you talk okay because you do not need to spiral down over somethng like this hugs:hugtackles::hugtackles:
  3. Atty

    Atty Member

    Thank you so much for responding so quickly. ^^ Thing is, I can't say anything. I'm told that if I complain, even a peep about it, that I'll be moved back down for those two classes I'm taking and I just can't risk that, because to me it would be the ultimate low, and so embarrassing, like saying someone gave you a chance but you were too lazy stupid or slow to be able to make anything of it.

    Talking about the meds is almost not an option; it took me years to gather up the courage to even get the meds the first time. I've been on them since I was nine or ten and they believe that I'm doing much better. I don't want to be seen as that loser who can't get fixed.

    Thank you so much, again. ^^ Out of all the things I expected it wasn't such a warm welcome.
  4. Tsunami

    Tsunami Member

    Welcome :)

    I've been (and currently am) where you are, in terms of school. My situation is slightly different, but generally I completely understand how you're feeling, and honestly - it sucks. I won't lie. It's terrible. At least you got to take classes at high school - I had to suffer through tedious, repetitive, simple work all the while surrounded by people who didn't want to be in school. I still have yet to find a method to cope. I've retained my "brain", if you will, at the cost of motivation. It's a dreadful sacrifice. At the risk of sounding pretentious -- I can do anything I want in whatever I'm interested in, and that's great, but I haven't the slightest desire to do anything. I'm barely passing my classes. I'm not proud of it, and nobody knows why since I refuse point blank to tell them. I can't really blame people for noticing when a student who goes from getting 100% on everything to 50-60%.

    I just keep a straight face while under the public eye. This isn't the best way, since it ends up repressing my actual feelings and -- they come back in full force, and then some. All I can really say, and do what you want with a stranger's advice, is to keep going. Don't let them think that they've won and broken you into another mindless truant; you're so much more than that.

    In my opinion, it's good that you're on medication. I've never gotten the courage to ask for medication, then again I couldn't leave the house if I was the bravest person in the world. On the flip side, I'm pretty terrified that they'll incarcerate me if I told them..everything. -- Sorry, off topic.

    I'm only alive now because I can't inflict pain on people. I know that if I kill myself, those around me will suffer. At least, I hope (not in a bad way, just in the way that meant people cared). You might have your own reasons, or no reason at all anymore for living, but I already care about you, and I've only just "met" you (depends how you consider meeting someone). (I hate writing this next part, it makes me seem like I'm showing off or something - I'm not) I'm a very empathetic person, and that's not the greatest of qualities by far, but it really allows me to connect with other people. It's strange though, considering I've got social anxiety; even internet forums make me nervous (I hardly ever make a post on any internet forum - I'm just too scared).

    I understand your position, I really do. It definitely does hurt, but - pick something to live for. It doesn't matter if it's the most trivial* of things or wanting to become a billionaire. You've got the potential to achieve your dreams (unless your dream is to survive a fall from an airplane, in which case it's still..possible, though the genetic tech. isn't even anywhere close to being created) - I wish I could do something to help you. I really, really do. It hurts me inside when people suffer, and I never have the capabilities to do something.

    This is probably going to be something you've heard before, but: Don't overdose on pills. Say for example you repeat it, end up sick again, and use it as your default method, each time coming closer to death - what if you stumble upon the light at the end of the tunnel? What if you realise you have a passion, and you want to spend the rest of your life enjoying it, composing it, producing it, etc. - chances are the overdoses you took when you were young had long term effects on your liver, causing you more problems and potentially killing you in the prime of life.

    I also hope you never start self harming, whether it is cutting, burning, biting -- whatever. I.."self harm", I guess (it's a pretty light form, with the after effects fading in a day or two), but I can feel it coming closer to more..damaging forms, with longer lasting effects (such as scars, infections, etc.), and I deeply wish that I never even started on this path - it's addictive. I've become paranoid of my arms whenever I'm around people, I constantly think of when I can do it again, to feel true physical pain instead of a weird psychologically inflicted physical pain type deal. I only do it because..I'm trapped. I've got no choices, and I needed something. I caved. I'd always been (very) slightly proud of the fact that I never resorted to it, but.. -- never start. Please. I know that what I say holds little weight, but for what it's worth I thought I'd say it anyway.

    I know I've gotten far off topic here (I always do when I write) and I apologize. I hope I've managed to convey something in what I've written.



    *trivial being subjective to the individual
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 6, 2011
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum Atty. Just do the best you can do and learn what you can. You won't always have that teacher that is so quick to judge. I am appalled to think a teacher would not give you a chance simply because of your age. Maybe it is just because they don't want to have to deal with the special circumstances involved. If you are allowed to advance now, what do they do with you as you get older? Two of my children were gifted in math. They had completed all levels that our school offered by the time they were in the first year of high school. The teacher did not know how to teach a higher level and my children still had three years of schooling to go. I ended up having to pay for them to take college level math courses online because they had to have 3 credits of high school math and what they had taken in the pre high school years couldn't be counted. All you can do is prove to the teacher that you are worthy of that advanced placement. Do your best and nothing less. Your brains are not being taken away. You know you are capable of doing well and her grading is subjective. You appear to be gifted in the area of writing as is apparent in this post. Most 13 yr old's are not this articulate. Feel free to vent here since you are not able to in the outside world. Glad you found us :hug:
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I had a chemistry teacher that made me feel a complete waste of space.
    He told me hell would freeze over before I'd pass chemistry, so of course i failed it miserably.

    Many years later I had to do chemistry for my job, got thrown into the A level, petrified .....a year later aced the damn exam with 98% and why, well one I put the work in but mainly down to a fabulous teacher who made it interesting and told me I could do it!
    Spit in this teacher's eye by ignoring her remarks and doing the very best you can do, Your post shows maturity and a level of articulation not normally seen in 13 year olds.

    And seriously, if you can find the courage, go see your doc about the meds and tell him/her about the stress you are under.
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Atty.

    Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're dealing with some troubles with school.

    You are obviously an intelligent young person. As so many others have said, nobody can take away your brain - you've already got the smarts in there. :)

    I think you have it in you to rise above this teacher's opinion and give the course your best effort. (Besides, if you prove her wrong, she looks silly in the end, and you will appear like the bright light I am sure you are).

    If things get worse for you in her class, maybe it would be time to seek out the guidance teacher/counselor or another trusted teacher that you like. I would hope that with "bullying issues" being in the news so often nowadays there would be a guideline for you to follow to help with this.

    Keep doing your best to keep up your spirits. Come and vent here anytime.

    In the end, your reward will be success in that course - in spite of this one teacher.
  8. Atty

    Atty Member

    Thank you so much everyone. Everything every one of you has said means something to me, and I really when that, especially when I say I read every word, which I did.

    I'd love to respond to each of you individually, but I have a horrible migraine (Genetic defect or something, I have them off and on without reprieve). I will say this though; you are all so completely awesome and sweet, if you have anything at all to say or just vent, you can come to me. It'd be the least I could do.
  9. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Hello Atty. Welcome to SF. I'm glad that you found us. :hug:

    Can I just say that you and Tsunami are two of the most switched on and intelligent teenagers that I have come across in a long time. (Sorry, off topic)

    I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. I think back to my life at thirteen (long time ago, old fart here) and I remember how crappy it was. I wouldn't go back to being that age for all the money in the world. Not only are you haveing to deal with your mental health problems, you are having to deal with everything that hormones and puberty have been throwing at you too. That is no easy task.

    For your Aunt to tell you to just "suck it up" is incredibly unfair. You need some :hug: and advice. Maybe she thinks that she is doing the best thing for you, and trying to "toughen you up". I don't know. I think that sometimes people think the best thing is "tough love". Well, it sometimes is not. I don't know how things work in the States, but in the UK, we have something called Child Line, where children and teenagers can phone up and talk in confidence and get help and advice. Do you have anything like that in the States? Talking in confidence to someone, just to help you get things a little straighter in your head might be of help to you. I lost my mum when I was 16, and being a young girl without a mum to rely on can be so very painful. Have you had any grief counselling to help you through this?

    I just want to reach across the ocean and give you the biggest :hug:. Please keep talking to us sweetie. We will do our best to help. I hope that your headache gets better soon. Migraines suck.
  10. Atty

    Atty Member

    Thanks, everyone. I'm feeling alittle better, but still have a sort of beating in the back of my head, and a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Hopefully it'll get better.

    No, I don't believe we have anything like that in the States, but then again, I've never 'formally' tried to get help in that sense so I don't really know.
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