This ain't good.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tness, Jul 5, 2012.

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  1. tness

    tness Well-Known Member

    I have been living in hell since the 4 of February. My GF for 4,5 years ended the relationship. We where planning children, she even took tests before christmass just to see if she could have children, and she can. Then the nightmare started. And it's still goes on and on and on. I have lost almost 40 pounds since that day. I don't eat I don't drink. I do nothing. I'm a mute. I had to move home to my old parents. I started working on this Monday. But I'm sitting there as s zombie. I have had suicide thoughts before. And I'm having serious thoughts this time. Rope, letter, fixing my financial things.

    This crises in my life is unbareble. I'm 39 years old. And this is it. Im totally isolated. I don't speak with anyone.

    This nightmare must end soon. I can't take it any longer.
  2. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    to be honest I am in a similar position as you. I have been to therapy tried meds all kinds of coping methods. I mean you name it chances are I have tried it all. I recommend putting forth some effort to see if one of these things will help you at all and after you have tried you can really say that you made an effort it just was not meant to be.
  3. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    I am also where you are. I have lost everything. I don't want to live anymore. I hate myself. I wish I was dead. I hope for both of us that someday there will be a way back to life.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Been there and thought I'd never get over it.
    Then to top it off I had a number of deaths, so even more loss.
    But here I am, still standing.
    Not exactly happy, but content enough and finding that time really does heal.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    tness I feel for you as breakups can be cruel.
    there is a grieving period after such a loss and it's something you will work through at your own pace...
    my soul mate and I split up over 6 years ago now..I still love him but I moved on without him in my life.

    sounds like you're making positive steps in the right direction .(moving home. starting work) give yourself credit for those

    are you seeing a doctor, therapist? meds?
    hold on and keep fighting those thoughts :hug:
  6. tness

    tness Well-Known Member

    I don't know If I will love again. I'm a intelligent guy, with an good job, also I have my finances in a good order. But It's so hard to move on. In April I was to my doctor and she was a bit worried. She gave me a lot of pills. Pills to sleep on, pills to start sleeping in the evening, she also gave me some more heavy sleeping pills. And last she gave me Zoloft (antidepresive)
    So Im not sure if this name of pills are saying anything But Truxal, Vallergan, Zopliclone (Imovane) and Zoloft.

    I was seeing a privat shrink, that cost me around 150 USD each time. She said the same thing all over again, eat, sleep, drink. So I was there 3-4 times, and then I stopped.
    Im going this tuesday to a shrink in my hospital, Im not sure what the outcome will be, but its cheaper and I think their are more used to this kind of crises.
    But I'm not sure.
    I'm thinking about many solutions, but every time I fall back on my suicidal thoughts...

    I work in a hospital as a IT advisor, and I'm educated as a nurse, but I had to stop working as that because of a chronical illness.
    About the meds, I have only used Truxal a little. The other things I haven't touched, because the Zoloft can trigger more suicidal thoughts, So I have stayed away from that. I also feel that It's a personal defeat to start taking antidepresives. Why me.
    When I'm writing this I'm at work, and I'm sitting here crying. All my co workers are talking about holiday, about their children, about their family. And I'm sitting all alone in life.

    My parents and sisters are worried, and they are also giving me hell in a way. When I get back from work I only lay in my room, I don't eat, I don't do nothing, I don't watch TV, I don't play my guitar. I don't talk to anyone. Not even my sisters and parents.
    This week I only ate one sandwich on Wednesday. I'm getting to skinny:) that's positive....

    I have to start over again. I thought this relationship was the one in my life. Last year at this time we where so happy and we where going on a road trip in the USA. And that vacation was very nice. We had our arguments on the trip, but no big ones. All couples have that.

    So this year I'm sitting here alone.

    Remember on new years eve, I wrote on facebook, That I was sure that 2012 would be a very happy year for us. Now I have deleted Facebook, I have deleted all the pictures from our vacations over the past years. Everything Is gone. She is gone, And I'm going to go soon also I feel.

    I stay away from alcohol, And I never used any kind of drugs. And I'm not planning to start either, but I have been thinking about other methods for just ending my life.

    This whole thing is unbearable...... She seems happy enough. Going on vacation with her friend, I haven't talked with her in over a month now.

    Sorry If my reply got a bit messy.

    I'm living in Norway, so my English is not perfect either...
  7. tness

    tness Well-Known Member

    I posted some names of pills, I hope that was ok, if not the moderator must remove them. Now I'm home, laying in bed. Just got back from work a 1h 20m drive. No food today either, just coffe and smoke. Smoking was something I quited in 2004. But now I'm smoking like hell again.

    I have my loving rope with me in my car. So if I want I can just stop someplace and do it. No future
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    You are still in the "I see nothing but darkness" phase.
    Keep the appointment with the shrink and start eating, nothing is served by you starving yourself.
    If you have no appetite get some food supplement drinks.
    There is no way of avoiding the grieving process, but I found talking about it (often incessantly) helped me get my head round it.
    Time will ease the terrible grief you feel right now, but it's a slow process and you need to get as much help as possible; be it professional help or just an ear to listen.
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm really sorry to hear you're going through that. I've been there and survived, but I know it really hurts.

    Your docs have actually given you good advice...Take care of yourself. My doc told me the same thing for a while. I was too deep in the grief to hear anything else. The suggestions to care for yourself are probably aimed at reminding you that you are worth caring about. When life drops a bomb on us, we can forget that we're good individuals. Remember to be good to yourself.

    Get to the next appointment you have and maybe ask the new therapist to work out a therapy plan and goals with you if you want something concrete to work on.

    And know that people here have heard you and we care. Stay safe...Keep us posted if you want to share how things are going.
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    tness..I can hear your pain. :hug:

    if you're not eating, this will make you feel much worse..Terry's mention of food suppplement drinks is a good one.
    I hope you keep your appointment and find much needed support there... talking, talking, talking helps me, and I hope it may help you too.

    You said you feel it's a personal defeat to take anti depressants...
    depression is an illness and if you need some meds for a while to help you through this illness then I believe it's ok..
    If you had cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc you would need to take meds to help ..same with depression..
    If it saves your life it's worth it?!..

    I also worry for the pain your parents and family will feel if you take your life..
    I am the mother who lost her son to suicide..this is not living! my life ended the day he died.

    I know how hard it is to find motivation to do anything but I've been in therapy long enough to know that pushing ourselves that extra inch does help in the long run..

    know there's people here that understand your grief and pain and want to help ..
    please take care of yourself..we care
  11. tness

    tness Well-Known Member

    I'm getting very emotional when I read all the answers in this threed. I'm crying now because of all the caring and good words you all sent me. I feel very alone in the world, and I have been thinking about the antidepressive, but I'm not sure, will it take my pain away? I will talk to my therapist on Wednesday about it.
    IV2010 I know my family would be in a terrible state after, I have been thinking about that a lot, I'm not an egoist, and I have a lot of good things in me, and perhaps they are the reason that I'm still here. I'm not sure. I have been reading a lot of stories in this forum, and I'm not alone I understand that. And my problems is not so big, many have told me that there is people that has it worse than me, but that is not helping me. I'm me in the situation. And my situation is mine. I can't escape that fact. I did eat something last evening, my mother was happy for that. All the memories, USA, fishing trips, walking etc etc, now it's over,and it's so hard thinking back. All the memories in my head are killing me. I know I perhaps sound like a sobbing weak person. But Im just me, and I can't help it.
    But again. Thank you all so much for all the good and kind words to me. I will try to eat something now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 7, 2012
  12. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    We all have our own problems and it is of little comfort to hear that somebody else has it worse. It's like you say, this is your situation and you have to deal with it from your perspective, you can't put yourself in somebody else's shoes, nor they in yours. I wanted to reply to your thread sooner but I wasn't sure if it would be appropriate, since my situation is kind of the opposite of yours... I'm depressed because I'm stuck in a relationship I don't want to be in. It hurts just the same, whether you've been trapped or abandoned, whether you've been abused or lost a loved one, it doesn't matter what brought you to this point, we're all in the same boat now, and all we can do is try to help each other. I do believe that you will love again. Every time I think I have lost all hope, if I wait around long enough, a new hope appears in my life. Hang in there and be strong. Time may not heal all wounds, but given enough time, they will eventually scab over and not hurt so much.
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    tness I can hear from your posts that you are a kind and sensitive person and you are willing to listen to others advice with an open mind
    that's a step forward already that you probably didn't realize..

    your problems are no less than anyone elses and no one should make judgements that others are worse off
    your pain is real and have good reason to feel that way.. but don't let that pain destroy you having a future

    eating is good..and i wish you well with your appointment with the T.

    I can only tell you my experience, that without my new meds I would not be here now..they have helped dull the intense pain to a bearable level
    not trying to shove them at you but keep them in mind if nothing else is working for you, they might help. :hug:
  14. tness

    tness Well-Known Member

    I have got so many advice from my doctor, shrink, sisters, friends, co-workers and also my EX. But I don't take the advice to me, I'm like ignoring them. But one advice I have been following is that I don't have any contact with her now. I want to call her every evening, but I don't do that any more.

    She was treating me like I was a mental patient at some time. But I can understand her, because I was really "sick" at one stage. But the situation is very terrible for me. I can't start over, I can't start dating. Because I'm a lonely person, It's very hard to get new friends at my age. People here in Norway is very "closed" they don't open up so much. I know that I will sit alone in an apartment, and die alone in some years. It's terrible. What will I do when my parents are dead, I have sisters, but they have theire own life. I want to isolate, I want to be alone. I know I'm torturing my self with my feelings and thinking. But I'm so stressed.
    I just want the pain go away.
    I was watching pictures from our vacations during the past years. She is so happy and pretty on the pictures. I'm not happy now.

    I miss her.
  15. tness

    tness Well-Known Member

    I'm at work now, and all my co workers are talking about vacation, their children. they are so happy. I'm sitting here and don't speak, I'm sitting here and want to go home, I'm sitting here wanting to go away.
    it's so hard to be here, It's so hard to be alone.
    I just miss her so much hard. I'm just hoping that I will make it thorough this summer. I'm just hoping that someone will call me. I'm hoping that she will call me, and tell me that we have to talk about us. But that call will never come. That SMS will never come. I just miss her so much.

    I was awake all night and thinking about the past. What if I had done this and that. The thoughts are killing me, I'm going insane... Sorry
  16. tness

    tness Well-Known Member

    Sitting here at work crying again. I cried all the way to work while I was driving, over one hour of just sadness. It's so hard for my mind and my emotions. I'm so terrible messy inside.

    I still have thoughts about the end. And some part in me wants to do it.
  17. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I know you're in pain tness but taking your life is not the answer..
    working through your grief is part of the healing, getting help from a professional if you're suicidal, taking one day at a time until you find new ways to heal the pain
    I hope you'll keep reaching out here , where others understand how you must be feeling :hug:
  18. tness

    tness Well-Known Member

    I know it's not the answer, but I'm so weak. My mood is sad 24/7 I can't tell my family, I can't tell my sisters, they will just raise their eyebrow and say get over it brother.
    I'm seeing my therapist today in one hour for the first time.

    I have this feeling that no one can help me...
  19. crunchie

    crunchie Well-Known Member

    Hi tness,

    I hope your first appointment with the therapist went well. As I told you yesterday, at least you´re getting help, and that is a big step. I hope you know that there are people here that worry about you, and are in similar situations. You can get better, and though it feels so far away, it is really something to hold on to. You obviously loved your ex, and that means you have the capacity for love, and might even find yourself loving somebody else at some point. It might seem impossible now, but keep fighting for yourself!
  20. tness

    tness Well-Known Member

    Just got back from the therapist.
    My impression is so and so. She took this MADRS test on me, and I scored 29.
    So I will get a new appointment, but its holiday and everything these days, so I'm not sure when the next session will be.

    I just want to go some place. :sad:
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