messed up, big part of me wants to die i dont have any friends left, not 1, i mucked up university twice, i mucked up a home course, i have massive debt with nothing to show for it. I seemingly cant change without independence, 20 and stuck in parents house in this room, health has got bad. Poor diet, under eating, no excersise, severe chest pains. Got a part time job, it was ok, but now i dont want to go back, i have just got back off holiday, i have work on tuesday, i dont want to go, i dont want to last the weekend, i want to die or run away but dont want to hurt my family. Holiday was rubbish, i am 20 and went away with parents? loser, was crap, boring, walked the streets seeing people with their friends, seeing good looking people, seeing younger people than me on holiday together, seeing young couples. Never had a girlfriend, and whilst most will just say "you're still young" it doesnt matter, media and society makes sure i feel inadequate and a failure. Surrounded at work by 17, 18 year olds with lives, lives i never had, i never went out, i never had relationships and seemingly never will as its too late now, freedom gone, i blew university, didnt turn up, now it looks like being pushed down the time to work full time route, so i lose my life and slave away whilst having nothing, i need to get away. This house, street, town is reminding me what i'm not. It should have left the good memories but all i can think of is how it was back when it was good and what the people i knew have gone onto. I cant last past the weekend. I am never going to have what the media and society pressure is to have and i am always going to feel inadequate, i am sick of people saying you can have it one day. Can i really thats nice, how!!!!! Thats all that matters, i have no direction, no career, no future, looks like no freedom, no friends, cant make it, dont know how, blew it all Cant go back to work, just cant, thats me though, a quiter, i quit everything, when the going gets tough i am not good enough. I opened sort of to my parents a while ago, they wanted to help of course, but nothing has materialised and they seemingly think i have loads of time to think, but when you want to die you dont have time. I need to get away but i never told them that, there isnt anywhere for me to go, i blew the chance to go to uni, thats the way people gain freedom, that and moving in with friends or a girlfriend, i have neither, one i havent had for 2 years and the other never in my life.