A new year comes, I want to kill myself. *sigh* I attempted last year on New Years Day. I've been doing a lot better in some respects this year (finally got something of a handle on my social anxiety, did well in my classes, got a part time job as a research assistant, did some volunteer work), but this last month has been hellish. I've got a major project that I have to hand over to the professor I'm working for in a couple of weeks and I've got to present my first piece of scholarly work ever in February, which is terrifying. I've been so stressed out that I've started having nightmares again, and that's kicked up some of my latent post-traumatic stress and I can't go to sleep until I'm exhausted and then I wake up in a cold sweat. I was thinking about asking my doctor to put me on some kind of antianxiety meds for the short term, since I'm taking a break from fighting for a few months to train, but I'm scared of meds. I saw a therapist for a little while in the spring and that helped a little, but I couldn't go back until the new semester starts since it was at the school counseling office. I'm scared that I'm going to fail at school and at everything else, that I'm not going to be good enough, which seems to be the story of my life. I've been so stressed out lately that anything just seems to set me off, and what should have just been a small disagreement with my husband this morning turned into a huge fight and I feel like I've fucked everything up there, too. And now I'm alone in the house, since he's gone to work, and it would be very, very easy just to go out in the woods somewhere and give up. Part of me really wants to, but part of me doesn't, for a lot of different reasons. I keep telling myself I'm making progress, but it's such slow, painful, pitiful progress, that I think I'll probably never be really okay. But even so, I shouldn't kill myself, at the very least because my husband would have to deal with the mess and it would kill my parents. So, I don't know what to do.