This caustic suburbia (Will anyone read this all?)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Mat Voleido, Jun 20, 2010.

  1. Mat Voleido

    Mat Voleido Well-Known Member

    I'm sure many of you here will share some of my sentiments - Have you ever just thought about how fucked up life is?

    After my High School graduation, I just sat around and thought about so much random shit. Our generation seems so fucked sometimes, it seems impossible to escape this town or these feelings.

    I fuck up my life at every chance I get. And why? For some girl I've been "in love with" for the past 4 years? I cancel work shifts, spend all my money on gas. And she fucks with my head. Tells me she likes hanging out with me, she likes sleeping with my hoodie, fuck. She crashed in my van once at a party, and I literally watched her sleep for 2 hours because she said she was scared some drunk asshole was coming for her. I studied every outline of her eyes, eyelashes, her hair. That's truly something fucked up, for anyone who has been in a situation like this. I should not have been the one to be there, to protect her, but no matter what, I would have. Fuck it. It's so fucked.

    All I do is lie around in my bed playing the Wii, or watching movies. I kill hours playing Legend of Zelda thinking about the times I used to play this game and I actually enjoyed myself, my life. I'm always on the internet, or on the Wii or television. I lurk that girl I like (Let's just say Alex) a bit each day, like some fucking stalker. I lurk all my friends. I stay in my dark room and stay bitter all the fucking time. When I have energy, I actually accomplish shit. I washed ALL my clothes, my bed. But then, one wrong thing will go with Alex. She seems unresponsive from texting me. No big deal, right? She's probably tired. But nope. I can't enjoy anything anymore. I say fuck it, ignore all my washed clothes. I let someone else deal with them. Flop onto my huge bed and try to sleep, shit all around my room. I know how much I want to clean it up, but I can't.

    I'm a lazy underachiever. I have scraped by on the bare minimum when I know I have potential. Never once have I studied for exams. Never once. Never in school, ever. I achieved A's all the time in all subjects. Then I stopped caring. People got in my head, my friends, my family, my fucking lonliness. It kills me and I can't fucking stop it. I want someone so bad. To hold and love. I don't even fucking care about sex. If I could lie in a field and look at the stars, holding the hands of someone I cared about, I could change my life. I could go home and do anything. But no. And this fucks up all my school. I got 76 in Writers Craft, a university course. I'm going into English, so this is an important class. I achieved great marks on my stories. But I get lazy, I don't hand in shit, and it fucks my grades up. I barely put in the effort, and only do so when it interests me. And my average is shit. I got into all my universities, but only from the help of notes from my doctors about both my mental and physical state (Previous depression, Kidney disease).

    I never studied or did work for University English and I got an 84. That is one of my best grades. And I could have achieved the world and the stars in that class. It's what I'm, Lord willing, going to go in to at university. Will I even make it? I got accepted. But is my average going to stay? Did it drop from the 81 I had when I actually cared? When I wasn't so apathetic about everything?

    This lack of sleep. It's impossible to shake. Staying up until 2 and 3 every night, waking up at 7:30. Does it even help being in summer? I stay up even later and sleep until 1 or 2 pm like some lazy ass. And I walk around like a zombie. Every thought that isn't filled with my anxiety, Alex, my friends, my worries and insecurities, is nothing but the want to sleep. I sleep in class, I sleep outside of class, I sleep at home. I nap all the time. And then, it comes to actual bed time and I can't. I'm getting sleep in the most random places. And with all this stress, lately, there hasn't been any naps. Just a couple hours each night. But it adds up. I stand outside smoking in a smelly shirt, unshaven face, tired eyes, and look at the stars and wonder if I'll ever get out of this place. This rich town full of expectations. It's a death trap.

    Work now. I need to borrow a uniform from a friend, I lost mine. Work until 9:30. I'll get off, and then what? Drive home, or eat at McDonalds. And then, kill time until tomorrow. What fills my life with importance? I want Alex to call or text me to hang out like we did almost every day last week. I know it's bad for me. I know she messes with my head. But I need her, I need to hold her hand and look into her brown eyes and we need to talk and hang out.

    Or I need something. Something else. It's a fucking purpose, but it's such an ambiguous term. What the fuck is it! Where can I find it? This life is so shitty. I feel like I'm standing outside, somewhere, watching millions of people go about and do their business. I'm dirty, lost, hungry, tired, in need of help. But nobody notices.

    One of my wonderful, wonderful friends (Let's say her name is Kayla) talked to me for hours until 3:00am one night. And I told her everything. About how my life is ruled by Alex. How she's always had control. She tells me I can talk to her about these issues, she'll be there to help in the future. Tells me to live life for me and not Alex. Helps me out so much, and just listens. I texted her a couple days ago, but she never replied. I know her phone can fuck up sometimes, she's received texts hours late and shit, but I can't help but feel she's just ignoring it because I'm just too hard to deal with. I know it. I'd ignore me.

    Don't anyone dare tell me I'm thinking under the guise of depression, through blinders. I'm thinking clearly, and rationally, not anxiously. I can clearly see all this shit. I can't deal with it. It's so fucking hard.

    Does anyone even care? Does anyone even understand?
     
  2. kyle88

    kyle88 Well-Known Member

    Wow, reading that was like reading my own biography, and I'm not just saying that, I truly mean it.

    However I'm at a different stage than you are right now... as I am starting to get my life together, especially this past month.

    The thing is, you need to fix your perception of life, and get your priorities and needs straight.

    I too had a girl i badly cared about, and i thought about her all the time, and would always wait for a text from her or anything, exactly like you... and the worst part is, that your chasing something that isn't there... sometimes your not in love with this person, but rather just the thought of them with you, this stems from your own insecurities.

    You have to realize one thing, no matter who you talk to, or how much you tell yourself things will get better, nothing will change until you change them. There are some things you will need to accept, and the most important thing for you to accept is the past... You failed classes, you havn't done anything with you life, alright well thats in the past, are you going to spend the next 20 years of your life crying over what you've done in the past?

    You have to accept the mistakes you've made whether it be school, friends, Alex, family etc... and you need to learn from these mistakes.

    For me, I realized that my emotions were dependant on others, if someone did or said something mean, It would upset me easily and I would go into a depressive state to easily. Now I am a bit different, I am doing things for me, and really don't give a shit of what others think.

    The most important thing for you is to deal with Alex, you can't keep on going like this, either its going somewhere or isn't, and you probably already know the answer. You have to accept it and move on... this is easier said than done, but it can be done. You have to let go of the past, accept your mistakes and move on... get on with your life, and focus on yourself (for the next little while).

    For me I too had horrible sleeping patterns, ate like crap, failed classes, lost friends, family problems, and most importantly my mind was always on my "Alex".

    It's hard to get over it and move on, but you have to do it, and practice makes perfect... you can't change your life in one day, it took time for you to get into this mess (mentally and physically), and it will take time for you to get out.

    Start off with one thing, for example, make a goal of adjusting your sleep patterns, how I did this was I started taking some melatonin to help with sleeping (its a safe over the counter drug), and you can talk to a doctor about it. Then work on your diet, start eating healthier, start exercising... and slowly the ball gets rolling again... Exercising for me has been great really, it takes your mind off stuff and you feel better after you work out. Then start focusing on how to study, get some help from councellors at your university if you have to.... but remember all this can't be done in one day, it will take time.

    You need to stop thinking about Alex and stop telling yourself that YOU NEED her to be with you, you need to be stronger than that, you don't NEED anyone... don't make your happiness dependant on what other say or do.... it should be coming from what YOU do. You will realize once you feel better about yourself and working out, that there are other women out there, that will actually care a lot about you... but first you have to care about yourself, stop punishing your mind and body by telling yourself all this negative crap and sleeping horribly and eating like crap. You can't expect someone else to like or care about you, if you yourself don't even like or care about you.

    So stop saying negative things, and start caring about yourself for a change. Stop putting negative things in your head like "Kayla is ignoring me" and whatnot, just brush it off and move on...

    Remember, you don't NEED anyone to hold your hand or guide you, you only NEED yourself... you're stronger than this and you know it... don't be afraid to live up to your potential... it might be hard work and will take time, but you can do it if you put in the effort.

    At the end of the day, Kayla, Alex, myself can tell you what you have to do and even try and motivate you, but that still won't change a thing... YOU HAVE to get off your ass and start making changes.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 20, 2010