I'm sure many of you here will share some of my sentiments - Have you ever just thought about how fucked up life is? After my High School graduation, I just sat around and thought about so much random shit. Our generation seems so fucked sometimes, it seems impossible to escape this town or these feelings. I fuck up my life at every chance I get. And why? For some girl I've been "in love with" for the past 4 years? I cancel work shifts, spend all my money on gas. And she fucks with my head. Tells me she likes hanging out with me, she likes sleeping with my hoodie, fuck. She crashed in my van once at a party, and I literally watched her sleep for 2 hours because she said she was scared some drunk asshole was coming for her. I studied every outline of her eyes, eyelashes, her hair. That's truly something fucked up, for anyone who has been in a situation like this. I should not have been the one to be there, to protect her, but no matter what, I would have. Fuck it. It's so fucked. All I do is lie around in my bed playing the Wii, or watching movies. I kill hours playing Legend of Zelda thinking about the times I used to play this game and I actually enjoyed myself, my life. I'm always on the internet, or on the Wii or television. I lurk that girl I like (Let's just say Alex) a bit each day, like some fucking stalker. I lurk all my friends. I stay in my dark room and stay bitter all the fucking time. When I have energy, I actually accomplish shit. I washed ALL my clothes, my bed. But then, one wrong thing will go with Alex. She seems unresponsive from texting me. No big deal, right? She's probably tired. But nope. I can't enjoy anything anymore. I say fuck it, ignore all my washed clothes. I let someone else deal with them. Flop onto my huge bed and try to sleep, shit all around my room. I know how much I want to clean it up, but I can't. I'm a lazy underachiever. I have scraped by on the bare minimum when I know I have potential. Never once have I studied for exams. Never once. Never in school, ever. I achieved A's all the time in all subjects. Then I stopped caring. People got in my head, my friends, my family, my fucking lonliness. It kills me and I can't fucking stop it. I want someone so bad. To hold and love. I don't even fucking care about sex. If I could lie in a field and look at the stars, holding the hands of someone I cared about, I could change my life. I could go home and do anything. But no. And this fucks up all my school. I got 76 in Writers Craft, a university course. I'm going into English, so this is an important class. I achieved great marks on my stories. But I get lazy, I don't hand in shit, and it fucks my grades up. I barely put in the effort, and only do so when it interests me. And my average is shit. I got into all my universities, but only from the help of notes from my doctors about both my mental and physical state (Previous depression, Kidney disease). I never studied or did work for University English and I got an 84. That is one of my best grades. And I could have achieved the world and the stars in that class. It's what I'm, Lord willing, going to go in to at university. Will I even make it? I got accepted. But is my average going to stay? Did it drop from the 81 I had when I actually cared? When I wasn't so apathetic about everything? This lack of sleep. It's impossible to shake. Staying up until 2 and 3 every night, waking up at 7:30. Does it even help being in summer? I stay up even later and sleep until 1 or 2 pm like some lazy ass. And I walk around like a zombie. Every thought that isn't filled with my anxiety, Alex, my friends, my worries and insecurities, is nothing but the want to sleep. I sleep in class, I sleep outside of class, I sleep at home. I nap all the time. And then, it comes to actual bed time and I can't. I'm getting sleep in the most random places. And with all this stress, lately, there hasn't been any naps. Just a couple hours each night. But it adds up. I stand outside smoking in a smelly shirt, unshaven face, tired eyes, and look at the stars and wonder if I'll ever get out of this place. This rich town full of expectations. It's a death trap. Work now. I need to borrow a uniform from a friend, I lost mine. Work until 9:30. I'll get off, and then what? Drive home, or eat at McDonalds. And then, kill time until tomorrow. What fills my life with importance? I want Alex to call or text me to hang out like we did almost every day last week. I know it's bad for me. I know she messes with my head. But I need her, I need to hold her hand and look into her brown eyes and we need to talk and hang out. Or I need something. Something else. It's a fucking purpose, but it's such an ambiguous term. What the fuck is it! Where can I find it? This life is so shitty. I feel like I'm standing outside, somewhere, watching millions of people go about and do their business. I'm dirty, lost, hungry, tired, in need of help. But nobody notices. One of my wonderful, wonderful friends (Let's say her name is Kayla) talked to me for hours until 3:00am one night. And I told her everything. About how my life is ruled by Alex. How she's always had control. She tells me I can talk to her about these issues, she'll be there to help in the future. Tells me to live life for me and not Alex. Helps me out so much, and just listens. I texted her a couple days ago, but she never replied. I know her phone can fuck up sometimes, she's received texts hours late and shit, but I can't help but feel she's just ignoring it because I'm just too hard to deal with. I know it. I'd ignore me. Don't anyone dare tell me I'm thinking under the guise of depression, through blinders. I'm thinking clearly, and rationally, not anxiously. I can clearly see all this shit. I can't deal with it. It's so fucking hard. Does anyone even care? Does anyone even understand?