This Easter = I DIE

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Mar 10, 2008.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    one of 2 things will happen Easter Sunday.


    One of 2 things will happen this Easter Sunday for me. And the very thing that will happen will and does depend upon what one or several others will do. And that one of 2 things will either be me alive or me dead. No BS about any of it.

    As most know, I have not been here for quite some time. I have been in the hospital ( CMC ) and at a cancer research center a long way from my home. I go get chemo and radiation along with research new drugs through a cancer clinical trial. The medical care is free. In others words I am used as a lab rat to see if it will help destroy the bad cells or not. I go in for one week of treatment then come home for 2 weeks then back in for another week of treatments, etc. So far I can tell as to myself nothing has changed with me or this cancer. But I have yet to take more tests to see if this meds has been effective. As for me continuing in the free treatments it will rely upon a few things. I have been speaking with a pastor in Cookeville and he is right. I may suffer with this for a long time so I have made a choice and I need answers.

    First I want to say thank you to a friend who called me 2 or 3 times while I was in the hospital here. I will not post your full name just your first. Jennifer thank you for calling me while I was at the hospital and sorry about the lady who gave you her life story when I had been released and you had called back that day to speak with me... But thank you Jennifer. You have been nice to me and I thank you for that. I thank you for the phone calls every day while I was stuck in that bed... You were the only one that called me. You were the only one that cared enough and took the time to call me.

    Second ( GL ) you told me that I need to heal but I cant rightly heal without knowing some things. I want to heal my heart but I cant heal when others are keeping things from me. I don't know what all happened. yes it is in the past but until I am able to bury that past I cant heal. and I cant heal until I know what went wrong and what happened. How do you expect me to go on and just forget about it when someone got hurt. Those that know what happened and is happening but keep in silent and keep secrets are keeping me in pain. if you think you are doing it to spare me from pain - well your wrong. you are causing me this pain, not sparing me from any. And I cant heal until I know.

    Do you have any idea what it is like to have so much pain in your heart and cant heal that pain.? Do you know what it is like to say your prayers to God every night before going to sleep to help you have closer, to ask that those that know come forward and let you know what happened? To know that every night you go to sleep it may be the last time you are able to wake up? I,m scared and afraid to face God because I cant heal or get closer on it and I cant just forget it, especially if it was done by my family member or me. At one time I thought that maybe the minister did try to call me to let me know that they did not hate me and that everything was okay, etc.. but to my findings they never called. Am I really hated and really considered a bad person that much that I am not worth anyone's time to help me heal? I scan all my calls because of telemarketers and I am on the dang do not call register but yet I still get those calls so I let the answer machine pick it up and if it is someone I know I will answer the call if I am home..

    I cant take the pain.. it is way too much for me. so if anyone knows what happened, then I beg you tell me... I need to know this before I can have any peace or closer. you don't have to give me a name, send the info to me annonusmly. I just need to know the truth .. I know that others know but for the love of God or for me, help me to have some closer or some peace on this? My days of being able to get on the internet are slim now. I don't have the strength anymore but I am begging you or anyone who knows please tell me? to keep it from me is keeping me in pain. if you really love me you would tell me. if you care at all for my heart or my soul you would tell me. I am not a mind reader and I don't know what happened, but I cant have it healed until I know.

    I have something to take me out quickly and effectively. This Easter I will use that means unless I hear from the Daltons or anyone else that knows what happened. no BS about it. I am like a white dove with a broken wing that will not and can not heal. Bible says the truth will set you free. that's what I seek and what it will take for me to heal. Please, , this is my final plea. I am in deep pain and been limiting myself from others and from friends. This way it wont hurt so much for them and be easier for me. I cant ( well refuse ) to go on. It has got to stop and it has got to stop now.

    So how much do you love me???

    Do you love me enough to tell me the truth?

    Do you love me enough to stop my pain and heal my heart so I can move on?

    Mr. and Mrs. Dalton, do you love me enough to help me heal or do I meet my maker this Easter Sunday??

    No B.S. about it. the pain has got to stop. I cant heal until I know the truth... If this is not about me then tell me. Why have me worry and get sicker if it is not about me?

    I thought Christians were suppose to love one another? Both brotherly and AGAPE love??

    Tell me what happened and how I can make things right so I can die in peace... Cause I am in hell right now.

    You got the info, you decide and I will pray to God tonight and every night up to Easter for the answers I seek so I can die in peace and go home with Jesus or die in torment and hell.

    I need answers and I need them now...

    White Dove
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi white dove. sorry to read about the terrible time you are currently experiencing. i hope that the treatments give you some relief.

    as for the rest of your message, i have no clue what it's about. who are the daltons? what answers do they have? who was hurt? what name are you looking for?

    yours with compassion, and confusion,

  3. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member


    Hi hun i was really glad to see your post, i was wondering about you, im glad that you received calls whilst in hospital its a gloomey place to be when receiving treatments, i know hun ive been there to, i would have gladly called you but sadly dont have a contact number for you.
    I know that you have been hurt badly hun and that you are in a lot of pain at the moment feel free to pm im always happy to chat with you, please remember susan many here love you xxxxxxx
    please take care
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2008
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Just a quick note to say you are in my thoughts and prayers...hoping you benefit greatly from the meds...most of the meds we have today were experimental at one time...big hugs, and please continue to let us know how you are doing, J
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys..

    But i am afraid i will be going this Easter. I cant take this anymore. Part of why i returned to SF was sort of a good-bye to everyone. And because i feel so alone in this. I dont want it and i never asked for it or maybe i did?? Heck i tried to kill myself and look where it has gotten me today?? On my death bed litterly.. All the scared feelings , the needles, the meds, the sicknesses, the weakness, the radiation ( it is not at all what you think it is but i dont like it ) the isolation from the church and those who i thought had cared about me but proved otherwise. the cold hospital beds, the cold needles, the terriable food, the bad tastes in your mouth. The isolation from everyone.

    you know a pastor i have been speaking with told me i may suffer a long time. I CANT DO IT ALONE. it is just too much for me. Yet i am alone. Everyone has left me, maybe they think its the best thing for me but it is not the best thing for me. Most of this drives my feelings deeper and deeper so much so that i cant handle it.

    i have questions and i need answers, at least to help me have some type of closer. I need that closer. i really do. and each night i ask God for that and wonder why? why does he allow them to have so much hard hearts? I have asked him to soften their hearts but more and more as the days go by my life dwindles away and my pain stays. I was never loved by God. never loved by him. maybe my soul is like jacob and asaul, God loved jacob but hated asaul so that leads me to believe he has hated me from birth. Maybe my mom was right. i was never wanted nor loved.

    I almost did it last night. i loaded it and put it up to my head but then did nothing cause i did post i would wait until Easter so i will wait 12 days. it took me a while to get the stuff i needed but i have it now. Theres no going back for me once i cross that line and on Easter i will cross it. Why on Easter? i really dont know maybe it is because it will be a gift toward God. maybe , just maybe It is the day i am suppose to leave. At least with this method i dont have to guess the outcome, i will know it.

    PM me and i will give you my number if you want to talk sometime. But i cant promise you i will pick up the phone cause i really want to just be by myself these few days. i dont go to church anymore so that is no problem and no one from there cares enough to come see me so it is easier because they dont care what happens to me.

    Friends?? i dont really have any, dont really have anyone...

    only thing i know is i have overheard some things when i went to that church. The Daltonss were a minister and his wife from that church. My niece did some things and they thought it was me because my computer was used. The Daltons and i were close or at least i thought we were until this happened. Now they wont even talk with me. My niece says she cant remember. A friend online has told me that a lie was told on the minister, from the reaction and the statements i have read over the past it had something to do with the FBI, with him almost losing his job or going to jail or something bad of that nature. Those that know refuse to tell me thinking either i already know or that it will hurt me but in reality it hurts me without knowing. its like a dark cloud hanging over me. i dont know if he lost his job, i dont know if he is still a minister, i dont know if what my niece did can be fixed? i dont know if i can help with it in anyway. I dont know if they still think it was me or if they have forgiven my niece. i dont know if this will keep me from going to heaven, i dont know if or why they continue to let it bug me and continue to hurt me. a lot of things i just dont understand.

    maybe i am just dumb and stupid? maybe i am just ignorant? Maybe i am crazy? heck i tried to kill myself and did not succeed - well only succeed later cause its killing me now - maybe i am stupid cause i trusted them , believed in them, heck no one and i mean no one ever showed me any love at all, then they do , now they hate me over something i never did...

    i am already hell bound anyway cause they hate me. everyone hates me. i am worthless. i cant do anything , well , that is what my last employer told me that i cant do anything, well i can cook, but i messed up, i got my hand burnt then they fired me, said i cant do anything, i was fired before i was able to prove what i could do.

    thats the story of my life,

    was never good for nothing. my life is wasted. it is worth nothing to nobody or to God. people say i will go to hell if i do this, but i am already in hell. you got to have a job to have money to buy food and pay the bills but when society does not allow you that you are useless, so i am useless.

    perhaps they will tell me? perhaps not?? The emotional pain of this is so heartbreaking. The pain of losing my home and of others acting like it is funny to them. i wonder have they ever lost a home? the arsonist is bragging about it and the police do nothing about it. they just let him do it. went over there the other day, hes burning more of it up and laughing about it. it hurts and it hurts deep, so deep that i have had enough. no more fun and games for them. let them say all they want after i am gone, once i pull it, its over and it only takes a little bit of streength to do it. Anna did it, it is now my turn.
  6. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    Pain, it hurts only write that word, i cannot imagine what you are suffering and want to tell you that religions are worthless, i believe in god, but just in him. Have you ever thought that priest are human too? they have their own interets and wishes, and they ALSO hate, because humans love and hate too. i think that may be you should see the friends you have made here, and think that you aren´t usseless for them. You with your suffering are doing an amazing sacrifice to help other people to heal by trying these new drogs or treatments on you...have you ever thought about it? you are not a laboratory experiment you are exposing yourself for a greater good. think about that just a second, and you´ll see that´s a reason enough to go to heaven, but you´ll lost that if you end your life earlier.
    take care (and btw breaks sometimes are very good, but remember to come back if you need us)
  7. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    i sincerly hope u get better hun.. ********hugs******
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    God, here is a reply to me from another site...

    Hmmmm thought you said you were leavin? I see you are still here.
    I, personally, am tired of your bs. You are trying to lay guilt on everyone else. Apparently you were needing attention again, and decided to get it here. So here we go for another round.
    You say you are going to take manners in your own hands. How many times are you going to say this? I bet you are being watched. You don't just threaten to do things and someone NOT let authorities know about it. Well.. probably soon enuff you will get all the attention you want! Now stop with the "poor pitiful me" crap! Others have gone thru some very difficult times, but they didn't bug the crap outta people and throw the blame everywhere but their own doorstep. They picked themselves up and dusted themselves off and went out there and turned negative energy into positive energy and turned their lives around. You just want to sit on your pity pot and point your finger at everyone else.
    Again, I'm tired of your BS. "

    yep thats what it is right???

    i am taking my life.. i am sick of this pain..
  9. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member


    Not everyone has the ability to see beyond the words epecially on sites that are for people that are depressed, im not making any excuses for that awful reply but what i am saying is please dont be to hasty as a result of it. If you are happy for me to have your number hun send me a pm, as you know im in UK so if you know the time difference between us it would be helpful.
    Please dont give up, you do have people that care about you, many of them are here let us help you through this difficult time

  10. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    the person who said that has since changed their post. they had written that after i had edited it and tooken out a few things. when i see i make a mistake i try to edit it and fix that mistake, so i removed it about 1 or 2 hours before the above post was written. now though this person comes on and takes it out, etc...

    it is no use really cause i cant be what everyone wants me to be.. i am not them.. i am only me.

    i am giving up dawn, sorry that i cant be what you and others need me to be..
  11. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    :eek:hmy: That other site's poster seems harsh & uncaring! What is it a religious site? :rolleyes:

    Whomever "everyone" is ('cause I know not exactly who you mean) you should never have to live up to anyone's expectations except your own. I don't have any expectations from you and I'm hoping the best for you. Hoping there is a reason out there that will find you. Hoping for a change of heart inside you, I'm not religious so prayer would be a mockery. All
    I can do is hope.
    Just to let you know I care :biggrin:
  12. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    No it is far from being a religious site. I forgave the person. he/she wants me to be like them but i cant. i am tired of trying to be like them. they tell me to be myself and when i do that and post the way i think ot feel then i am having a pitty party or i am just wanting attention. if something happens to others there they post about it but they dont get that " your having a pitty party or your wanting attention reply " i am the only one who gets those typs of replies.

    so i give it. i am giving my soul back to God this easter. he can either takle me , throw me to the devil or throw me away. i just dont care anymore.. at one time i did.

    everyone has left me and isolated me. perhaps they think it will help me but they are wrong, they are so wrong. i did not need to be isolated. i just needed to be acepted. the one i thought was a friend blocked my pm just because i told them it hurt me, their statement hurt me and instead of understanding that i am in terrible pain and needed them as a friend they block me instead and post out in the open they ignored me and that they love that feature for everyone to see that statement... and then another one i thought was my friend has not even replied when i asked her what happened, she knows, i just know she knows cause she was the one that said a lie was told on your minister.. so i am isolated, isolated by those who are suppose to love me and be a friend to me. isolated from the church, heck they dont even come by, call, visit, nothing.. so i am alone and it just makes it easier, in a way i need to be thanking them cause their giving me the guts and power to actually go through with it this time.

    was told to stop saying the i am better off dead stuff, silence me, yah that is what i need isnt it to be silent, not talk about it. they need to read up on things if you ask me. they need to look at some of the reasons people do things... they need to visit some memorial sites.. heck was even told that i cant lay the blame on them or make them feel guilty... come on now, do they really and truly and honestly think they are not in some way a contributer to it??? if thats the way they truly feel then they got a lot of learning to do. i mean a lot of learning. let them tell that to the boy who has been beaten by bullies every day? let them tell that to the young girls who are raped then mocked and riduculed, let them tell it to those who are abused with no way to escape... let them tell them who are hurt that they did not have a hand in causing them more pain... cause those who looked the other way when a woman was beaten by her husband helped her be in pain because they choose not to stop the abuse... you hear a husband and wife fighting, you going to call the police or look the other way?? you see a bully beating up on another smaller kid, you going to jump in and stop it or walk on by? bible talks about this. how a man that had been beaten and lay dying on the side of the road and others passing by but then a person took the time to stop and help him, even pay for his care.. its in the bible. it happens today just as it did back in the bible..
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