Ever since I was a child I feel like this. Actually, ever since I had my last surgery, I remember hardly nothing before that. This feeling of being nothing was triggered again last saturday, after I read on facebook that a former classmate, whom I had a crush on in 9th grade, passed away in a horrible way. He was wakeboarding and suddenly the rope broke and he hit a barge (riverboat). After reading everything that my former classmates had written, I realised that had that happened to me, nobody would have written anything. I texted the only 4 girls who were in my class and only ONE of them replied, but again, only for a couple of minutes So, I kept on thinking that I was absolutely nothing to everyone, even to my family. They don't even notice how depressed I am, they only notice how SAD my two sisters are now and then. This passing also made me think about how fragile life is... one minute the person you love is here and the next.. they might not be. I thought about my ex a lot that day, how miserable I'd be if something were to happen to him and I didn't get the chance to talk to him one more time. I know I'm annoying about this (my ex), but I really need to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him... and I don't even know how to get in touch with him anymore or even if I should, because although we remained "friends", he doesn't talk to me since a couple of years ago, and I must know why. I must know if my father's right and I was just a bet to him, or if he really felt something for me; I need to know if he was the only person in this world to ever find me attractive I need to know if I meant something to him.