This feels different

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Pilko, Aug 23, 2009.

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  1. Pilko

    Pilko Active Member

    All my life I have been very good at hiding things and being strong, saying I'm fine. I do get depressed when I am alone. I have succeeded professionally and I have a beautiful son. about 10 years ago when depressed I bought materials to gas myself in my car. I didn't do it but the despair was overwhelming. I had a diffcult marriage that ended in divorce, It was quite abusive but in my typical style I am friends with everyone including my ex husband because nothing effects me. I am a problem gambler, I pay some bills. I do not take drugs and drink only socially. My finances are a disgrace and I am avoiding the consequences of this. I resigned from a senior management role 7 weeks ago and have just secured my dream job which I start tomorrow. In my previous role I did not have a great time and in the end made a poor decision that I waiting for to come back and bite me. The realisation of this and all the other hidden secrets I have has sent me into a tail spin this weekend and I have cried tears of desperation. I am frightened to tell my friends and family I am thinking of suicide. I have had a belt hanging from the back of my bedroom door for a year and I keep it there. Right now I am sick of living, every day is painful. I am 36 and alone and don't feel imporatant and I doubt anyone would really notice if I was gone.
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hello again pilko.. and a formal 'welcome 2 SF'
    im glad u posted.. there are lots of nice ppl here.. its made me feel less alone.. and i hope u will feel the same way..
    like i mentioned before it might be a good idea 2 get in touch with your doctor.. depression is really hard 2 deal with alone.. but things can improve if u seek some help..
    i know u said u are frightened 2 tell ur family and friends.. but i think letting someone who u trust know how ur feeling - is a positive step..
    take care x

  3. Pilko

    Pilko Active Member

    Thanks. I know I should see someone but I have created a huge mess around me and my choices are not there. I can't tell anyone they would be so disappointed in me..
  4. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hey.. i think they will be more disappointed if u dont give them a chance 2 help .. :hug:
    u do have choices.. u can seek help through your doctor..u could ask about possibly getting some medication and / or therapy..u could call a crisis line..u could email the samaritans..there are lots of links on the front page that u could maybe have a look at?
    there are lots of ppl here that im sure will relate.. maybe u could say hi in the welcome section.. x

  5. Pilko

    Pilko Active Member

    Thanks Mandy I just did that. You know not having ever spoken to a single soul about any of this for such a long long time, ever infact I hope it gives me the courage to move forward
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i hope you are able to talk to your therapist be open so he or she can truly help you. People would miss you and they truly won't understand why you didn't reach out to them. Remember if you talk to someone at crisis it remains confidential and they will help you give you coping skills to get through rough spots. Please continue to reach out here for support as well as lots of supportive people here. Don't go it alone okay you deserve to get some help Take care.
  7. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Yeah Pilko seeing a nice counsellor (and the right meds) can really make a difference.
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