All my life I have been very good at hiding things and being strong, saying I'm fine. I do get depressed when I am alone. I have succeeded professionally and I have a beautiful son. about 10 years ago when depressed I bought materials to gas myself in my car. I didn't do it but the despair was overwhelming. I had a diffcult marriage that ended in divorce, It was quite abusive but in my typical style I am friends with everyone including my ex husband because nothing effects me. I am a problem gambler, I pay some bills. I do not take drugs and drink only socially. My finances are a disgrace and I am avoiding the consequences of this. I resigned from a senior management role 7 weeks ago and have just secured my dream job which I start tomorrow. In my previous role I did not have a great time and in the end made a poor decision that I waiting for to come back and bite me. The realisation of this and all the other hidden secrets I have has sent me into a tail spin this weekend and I have cried tears of desperation. I am frightened to tell my friends and family I am thinking of suicide. I have had a belt hanging from the back of my bedroom door for a year and I keep it there. Right now I am sick of living, every day is painful. I am 36 and alone and don't feel imporatant and I doubt anyone would really notice if I was gone.