This feels like my last chance...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Akelamang, Oct 13, 2014.

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  1. Akelamang

    Akelamang New Member

    Hi all,

    Never having joined a forum before, it's hard to know where to start except to say, "I'm done." Done with medication. Done with therapy. Done with talking about depression. Done with hoping it will change.

    In the past two years I've been laid off twice (and almost a year and some 120+ applications later still looking...); my sister has untreatable cancer; my wife was diagnosed with MS; my child has special needs; my dad is suffering from Alzheimer's and I was formally diagnosed with severe depression.

    How can I believe it will ever get better?

    Every day get harder and harder to handle and despite a caring family, I can't share with them what it feels like inside because words are just too feeble to describe it. Imagine if you had to write a paragraph that explains to a 5-year-old how to tie their shoelaces - only words, no pictures. It can't be done. That's what it feels like whenever I start telling people what it's like to be depressed.

    More than anything what I hope to get out of writing this is not necessarily advice, hope or support; but the knowledge that in at least one corner of the universe I've left a discernible footprint that may (or may not) be ever discovered again - a little bit like those anonymous names you used to see carved on desks in elementary school.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Hi, and welcome to the site. I just wanted you to know that I read your post and am sorry for all you're having to deal with. I hope you'll continue to post here, to seek support.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    So many ill i do understand how sometimes it feels hopeless i can so relate to what you said Just know here you will be heard and understood If you can don't give up ok on treating your depression you deserve care too hugs
  4. Donnanobispacem

    Donnanobispacem Well-Known Member

    You have a lot of very difficult problems surrounding you, insoluble problems, painful sad problems. I totally understand the giving up on the supposed solutions, and I have actually done better without anti-depressants which cause me mood swings. Counseling I have found difficult to obtain- it's too expensive to pay privately and I don't want anything religious. But I keep looking.
    Good luck with the work search. I have clung to work in these difficult times, it's my self-esteem and my sanity, I think it's also a distraction and escapism too.
    I know you have a lot of other things to deal with but maybe an hour or two of voluntary work a week will help you? I teach one hour a week to children with family problems, I can't manage any more than that, but it does get me to focus outside of my never-ending problems.

    Life is so difficult, I never saw myself here and overwhelmed either...but it is what it is. I have accepted most people aren't happy, that we don't all get a fantasy ending...for a long time I kept thinking things would change, but the kind of problems we are dealing with don't have easy solutions. Now I realize I just have to live with these problems.

    Nobody knows what you go through unless they have been there themselves, and I also think because of the way US healthcare is- ie for profit- a lot of people think they have diseases like MS or depression etc. They are diagnosed in order to sell treatment. So I meet people who say they have MS or Lupus or Bipolar or RA and have no symptoms, and they don't get the people for whom these are serious illnesses either!

    My stepmother last night told me my aunt, who had a major stroke, could not possibly have had dementia...I was at a loss to explain that the brain damage from a stroke is every bit as serious as other causes of memory loss or mood disorder. Up against all this nonsense it is very difficult to explain to anyone...

    Hope you feel better soon, sounds like a lot of people are relying on your support.
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