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This feels like the end...

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I can't go on with my life...at least that's how it feels to me. I'v been 'on and off' Depressed for something like 2 years I think...maybe three. A year ago on June 1st I met two very good friends of mine online. I laughed with them...talked with them...shared myself with them and they shared themselves with me.

But that's over now...I argued with one of them, the girl, a heck of a lot. More than I ever should have done. I don't know why but she became the brunt of my anger and I regret it so deeply she will never even know. And now she's cut me out..banned me from the site me her and the other guy made together for the three of us, foed me on another site we are all on together...she won't even talk to me...I'm so desperate for one last chance that will never come. According to her we 'might be friends again in the far future'

And the guy...he was supportive of me though the was nothing he could do...and now I'v pushed him away in my despair...he's had enough of me and me saying that I was going to end my life...

That feels like the final straw...I have Multiple Pituitary Hormone Deficiency which is life long and I have a host of other (seemingly self-inflicted) issues and I'm horrible with people evidenced by pushing two of my best friends to the point where one won't even talk to me and the other might not talk to me...

Things were so bad running up to this point...I'm failing Uni for a second time through a combination of my depression and laziness, and the day I have to tell me parents will be the worst of my life...that will be the final nail in my coffin. I feel like I have nothing left to live for...I'v squandered my education and my parents money like nothing...I'v pushed my friends to the brink that they won't even talk to me...won't even consider talking to me...

I'm sorry if I'm not even supposed to mention/say this but I'm 21 in just over a month and it feels like after that it's the end. I can't keep living a life that just throws me deeper and deeper into endless despair. I would give everything to change it all and I'm hurting so much inside it just doesn't feel like this life is worth living any longer. I considered suicide back in September and those two friends got me through it but that was the start of pushing them out and away...and now It's come again and I have no one there to help me through so it feels like this time I could go through with it...I want to go through with it

I have no friends...no girlfriend...no life...I'v squandered my education...I'm hurting so deeply inside...Why should I live a life that won't show me any remorse? What possible thing could there be, other than knowing what it would do to certain people that could really convince me that I should stay alive when tomorrow I wake up to expect this all over again?

I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted now
Never before has life seemed so pointless
I want to curl up and cry myself to sleep and never ever wake up...
Those two people did so much for me and have inspired me in different ways and the fact that I'v almost certainly lost one for good and hurt another one that way just kills me...I'm at a crossroads in my life...yet the only way is not forward...it's towards the end...the hurt is just too much to cope with any longer

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Show your friends how strong you can be okay that you will continue to fight to get better and when y ou do they will respect you for that I say if they walk away t hen they were not friends to begin with. Maybe cut and paste what was written here not the part abt you ending life but state you want to begin living okay you want to show them you can change. Reach out to your parents now too they won't be mad hun they love you call them now tell them how desperate you are and why They will come and help you okay Don't harm your friends or your parents by leaving them with such pain
Part of the problem is I can't even talk to them any longer...
The girl will have nothing to do with me...she won't speak to me in any way shape or form, so the only way right now I could talk to her would be through the guy but he won't talk to me any more if it's got anything to do with things like suicide or asking for another chance...which means it doesn't matter what I say or do...it feels like I'v lost her

I know people have said to me just move on, but she and he mean a lot to me, so it's hard, especially when they've both been as good as my life for the past year. I do want to show them I can change and I want to/have already in some respects, but it won't change their minds...the girl is one of the most stubborn, single minded people I have ever known. Once she makes up her mind it's notoriously difficult to change

All this has only happened within the past 2/3 days, and I could bear to leave it until my birthday maybe...but after that I couldn't...it will be Summer by then and it will be too hard. It sounds stupid but it's almost like an addiction. When you've spent so long with these people it's hard to even imagine not talking to them for a week or a month, let alone forever...it's just too hard to cope

As for leaving them with pain, my two friends think any mention of suicide is a threat and empty after back in September I was pretty much threatening it every day, which is why now when it's so real it means so little, if anything to them that I'm genuinely considering it...

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
I do know how painful the loss of connections are i do and i want you to know if you need to talk to someone i will be here okay It will take time if they are your true friends they will contact you let them have their space okay i think it is time for you to make new friends okay you can pm me anytime i mean it hugs
the pain does lessen it does.
I believe you, but truthfully the fact that I'v been speaking to these people online almost every single day for close enough to a year makes it so painful like bereavement in a way

But I do need to give them some space and need it in return myself
I can only hope that they come around within a month or so or it might really be the end of me

Thank you though, I appreciate you responding to me, it's helped me

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
No hun it won/t be the end of you i know it feels like that now it doesn't have to stay that way. You stay here make new friends okay connect actually it will be healthier for you to reach out okay. I am here like isay if they are and were your friends they will contact you and see how you are doing Hugs to you
If it's only been 2/3 days, there is a lot of time for things to resolve themselves. If your friendship is as important as you say, then they must be feeling similar to you about the situation - or should be.

However, I don't think it's healthy that you have to be worried about mentioning suicide to a friend. But I can understand that it's really negative when it's the only thing you talk about, and when rebuilding a friendship you should look for the interest that brought you together in the first place.
I just made it worse...I let my anger seep out and fill me up and now the guy hates my guts too...and he let the girl read how angry I was with her and how horrific I'v been...I can't do this any more...If I know I'v lost them both then I won't even make it through this week...

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
back off a bit okay yell scream all you want you are hurt but do not talk to them they need space okay you need space let things simmer down a bit now your anger is out let it be okay please.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Right now everything is so volatile you have to understand if they do not come back then they were not true friends to start with. A friend does not up and leave like that. You can and will make new friends hell i have it hurt me so much i know how much it hurt you but i eventually let go of that pain and made new friend here. This forum is kind hun i will be your friend if you allow me to. hugs

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
I know it hurts i do but i also know it will get better dam it will so please giveus a chance to fill that hole okay give me a chance to be that friend i Know that pain i do and i don't want you to be alone with it hugs
I don't really know if this is the right place for it, but I have an update. The guy and me started talking last night and he was happy to move on and forgive me.

And I just received a message from the girl too. She sort of apologised, though she said she didn't regret anything, but she said she hoped to talk soon, so hopefully we can start fixing things. I found another friend on the site we had all joined who was very supporting alongside you guys. I'm grateful for everyone who helped even if it was in a small way.

I have a long road ahead to feel better about everything, but things are starting to look up, which is all I could ask for =)
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