i have found this forum to be a nice place to "vent", but other than that...there is no help here for me...just as there is no help for me in the real world. that isn't to say this forum isn't helpful for others who deserve to be helped, for people who aren't a parasite like me. ...but i'm finding here that no one can help me either...just like in real life. another thing to check off on my list. i've been trying so hard over the past 20+ years and even amped up my efforts by several exponents in the past months to see if my has any worth....using several avenues, asking for help, trying medications, going to doctors, trying to have relationships, praying to God, trusting in God and in essense...trying EVERYTHING.....but it all comes up empty. all my efforts are futile and fruitless. the past months have been even worse, because every time i have looked for and asked for help...i've been met with incredulous stares and then silence or anger and punishment. none of this is a boast. and the other night, just struggling to fall asleep, going over all these efforts, i feel like i'm battle worn, suffering a "shell shock", of sorts, I laid there telling myself to please stop...please stop trying to save my life. it all just keeps coming to nothing and each time i try find my worth and each time i ask for help and find myself dismissed and ignored or punished and get nothing but more pain..........just more of myself is destroyed. i am truly being damaged by my efforts to stay alive now. i have three choices, all losing choices. 1. do nothing, but the traumas of my life remain open and i have too raw and have lost my defense mechanisms and it is too much for any one person to contain...so it just drags me down. 2. i ask for help, but given my consistent experience over the past months and months and years ... a paradoxical equation has set up: help = danger. so asking for help is worse than doing nothing, because it just adds fuel to the fire. 3. i end my life. that too is filled with uncertainty and possibly more pain. but it is the only choice i haven't tried. so i'm in a "no-win" situation. some might want to imprison me a in a hospital...but growing up I was placed in a hospital before and received much trauma and horror from the stay...partly why I am so screwed up now. so to be imprisoned in a hospital again would just rouse and add more to the PTSD i suffer from previous stays. no one can help. no forum. no words. no medication. i even find that even if others can say they "love me"....i am too screwed up to love anyone else...not without my sicknesses tainting it. i am afraid of death...but i continue to tell myself that it is like the fear of going to the dentist to get a cavity drilled and filled....you go because it it for the good. i've been trying this forum since June 2007...and it has not helped. but that is because my life is beyond help now. i'm sure others are helped by it. i have no where....i am living a life of complex toxic isolation. it has been steadily agony for 8 months now...no reprieve. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!