this forum pointless for me...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ipse_Dixit, Jan 22, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i have found this forum to be a nice place to "vent", but other than that...there is no help here for me...just as there is no help for me in the real world.

    that isn't to say this forum isn't helpful for others who deserve to be helped, for people who aren't a parasite like me.

    ...but i'm finding here that no one can help me either...just like in real life.

    another thing to check off on my list.

    i've been trying so hard over the past 20+ years and even amped up my efforts by several exponents in the past months to see if my has any worth....using several avenues, asking for help, trying medications, going to doctors, trying to have relationships, praying to God, trusting in God and in essense...trying EVERYTHING.....but it all comes up empty. all my efforts are futile and fruitless. the past months have been even worse, because every time i have looked for and asked for help...i've been met with incredulous stares and then silence or anger and punishment. none of this is a boast.

    and the other night, just struggling to fall asleep, going over all these efforts, i feel like i'm battle worn, suffering a "shell shock", of sorts, I laid there telling myself to please stop...please stop trying to save my life. it all just keeps coming to nothing and each time i try find my worth and each time i ask for help and find myself dismissed and ignored or punished and get nothing but more pain..........just more of myself is destroyed.

    i am truly being damaged by my efforts to stay alive now.

    i have three choices, all losing choices. 1. do nothing, but the traumas of my life remain open and i have too raw and have lost my defense mechanisms and it is too much for any one person to it just drags me down. 2. i ask for help, but given my consistent experience over the past months and months and years ... a paradoxical equation has set up: help = danger. so asking for help is worse than doing nothing, because it just adds fuel to the fire.
    3. i end my life. that too is filled with uncertainty and possibly more pain. but it is the only choice i haven't tried.

    so i'm in a "no-win" situation.

    some might want to imprison me a in a hospital...but growing up I was placed in a hospital before and received much trauma and horror from the stay...partly why I am so screwed up now. so to be imprisoned in a hospital again would just rouse and add more to the PTSD i suffer from previous stays.

    no one can help. no forum. no words. no medication.

    i even find that even if others can say they "love me"....i am too screwed up to love anyone else...not without my sicknesses tainting it.

    i am afraid of death...but i continue to tell myself that it is like the fear of going to the dentist to get a cavity drilled and go because it it for the good.

    i've been trying this forum since June 2007...and it has not helped. but that is because my life is beyond help now. i'm sure others are helped by it.

    i have no where....i am living a life of complex toxic isolation. it has been steadily agony for 8 months reprieve.

  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you are not beyond help.

    a forum can only do so much. i use this place as a middle of the night 'venting' place, but i'm fighting this depression and loneliness with everything else available to me... my friends, meds, therapy. i hope that you can supplement what small relief available here with other methods... support group? therapy?

    you sound exhausted, but please keep trying until you find the right combination of support. you can't see it from here, but it will be worth when you finally make it through the darkness.

  3. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Help does not equate to danger...

    I know the forum has it's limitations but at least it gives a safe place to vent the anger and pain..Do not look at it as a danger..

    Use it, vent your fears and lighten a load..I know I will willingly take some of that weight my friend.
  4. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    For starters, you need to get over yourself. why call yourself a parasite?
    Second, don't mock this forum, think about the people who use it. Most are depressed and suicidal or have a pretty shit life aswell. The most help your going to get is someone who can relate to your problems, have a chat with and yeh that's about it. Don't expect miracles. This is a commity where we can meet and share stuff, not a place where other people are medically trained professionals!!!
    Just have a think.
  5. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    you sort of just prove my didn't really listen or hear what I said (or wrote).

    look again...i didn't mock the fact i said:

    "i've been trying this forum since June 2007...and it has not helped. but that is because my life is beyond help now. i'm sure others are helped by it."

    even the title of the thread says "this forum pointless for me..." never did i say it was pointless for all.

    but also...don't tell me i don't think. if i wrote everything facet of everything going on in my head...i'd never stop writing.

    and i also laughed at your comment "get over yourself". if you think i haven't heard that before and that i haven't said that and so many other vile and foul thing to myself....

    ...i will stop now before i start to curse at you. these are my issues not yours.

    you wrote: The most help your going to get is someone who can relate to your problems

    you are not one of those someone's who can relate to "my" particular just walk away from me, please. i say it with all kindness.
  6. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    it isn't the "forum" that is the thing that made the paradoxical equation of: help=danger. it is the professionals outside the forum...

    and i too have come here to "vent". perhaps this thread is not really even venting about my place in the forum, but just again my pointlessness in the larger world...
  7. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i have no friends.

    i tried therapy (been in and out of therapy since 16 and i'm 34 now), but it is therapy and the medical system that has made "help = danger" because they use 'cookie-cutter' methods that have only hurt me more than helped me.
    the most recent therapist who i worked with for 3 years was the first i ever felt safe with, but she suddenly and without warning ended therapy, with just a form letter and refused to tell me why...among other things. her sudden 180 degree turn in behavior and then all the things that came down from the health industry afterward when i tried to get understanding and help only served to hurt me truely has...i can't describe it all here.

    my ability to trust is obliterated, so no friends, no help, no group anything...because i've been so damaged. i just live toxic isolation because of that obliterated trust. i am humpty-dumpty who fell off the wall...broken and no one can put an egg back together.
  8. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Aahh..Now I understand what you meant..Yes I can relate to that..It has taken me 23 years to get over my paranoia and aggression towards psychs, and especially shrinks..Who I would still willingly boil alive with their beloved textbooks burning beneath them..But there are still people out there who are professionals and can help you without the fear of being sectioned/hospitalised..If only to someone like the Samaritians or a crisis hotline, at least you can vent your rage..

    and i too have come here to "vent". perhaps this thread is not really even venting about my place in the forum, but just again my pointlessness in the larger world...[/QUOTE]

    It does feel pointless..I cannot deny that.Even when protesting I still feel in my heart that I live in a world where we are intentionally kept misinformed, undereducated and vacuous (See: Celeb culture, Anything on mainstream cable TV or radio) I cannot understand this world anymore than you can but at least you know you are not alone anymore..

    Please keep posting.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 23, 2008
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    i hope you stay around and hang in there :hug:
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.