This guilt feeling

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by velvet, Aug 22, 2016.

  1. velvet

    velvet New Member

    I've been dealing with borderline p.d. for years now. All my love relationships have gone to shits because of that. Recently my boyfriend of 4 years with whom I was picturing myself having kids dumped me telling me I was too much work and that he couldn't handle it. He was there for me each step before. Even when I tried to kill myself. I feel guilty I am at fault in all this , telling him I wanted to die and not being able to protect him against my darkness. I feel like I've contaminated him. I feel like I'm contaminating my friends and family. Who do you turn to when everyone around is saturated by your disorder, by your suicidal ideas, by your destructive behaviors. I feel like I'm making them too worried and I don't want to be a burden no more. And I know I would be a burden by dying too. Either way I'm hurting everyone I touch. Please I think i need to talk to strangers.
     
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hugs. Suicide is not the answer. Are you in therapy right now? What about dbt?
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there I also have bpd and my relationships with other are rather chaotic aswell, that is one of the traits of bpd. You need professional help, when were you diagnosed? Are you taking medication? Tell us more about what's going on for you and we will try and help. Talking to strangers is good because there's no attachment, best of luck to you and also welcome to the forum!! :)
     
  4. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    My feed back is very simple-don't worry about "contaminating" other people with your presence. You don't know that they feel that way-I think that sensitive people like us think we know how other people feel about us, but we don't. I try hard to be responsible for only my feelings-let other people be responsible for theirs. Life seems much simpler when you hand other peoples feelings back to them and be responsible for your own. It eliminates many thoughts of shame and guilt for things that you actually have no control over.

    It seems that you are very hard on yourself which is very sad-so many of the issues that haunt you are not now (and never were) your fault. No one is perfect (without flaws)-I strongly suggest that you hit the restart button on your life and give yourself a break. Don't punish yourself for doing things you never did-or being less than those around you. Everyone has things about themselves that they would change if they could-everyone has dark secrets that they keep to themselves. You spoke your secrets aloud and someone rejected you-rejection from someone you care about is always painful but it happens. Please be kind to yourself-don't treat yourself as poorly as some people treat you. Good luck-LT
     
  5. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Hello velvet, I am Mox,

    Thank you for joining us at SF and sharing part of your story. The more you share the more we can help you. That is how SF "works" we share what is going on with us. People will rally around you trying to give you ideas. You are with friends. I invite you to read my personal story in green below; and know you are not alone in how you feel. You are not alone in your pain and suffering. Everyone here has been through their own personal Hell. While you are here no one will ridicule you or make fun of you in any way. That BS is not tolerated here at SF. I came across SF because I was looking for ways to hurt myself. So I am going to ask you bluntly, are you feeling suicidal? If you are not; that is great. If you feel like you are in danger of hurting yourself, you will take yourself to the nearest ER and get the help you need. There is no shame in how you feel. There is no shame in getting help. At SF we will give you emotional support and lots *hugs.

    I want you to promise me if I say anything wrong or you feel differently; you will correct me. I will not get mad at you or yell at you; I want to help you and to do that I need to understand. Ok?

    This tells me that you have a very kind and caring heart. You love others and you want to be loved as well. There is nothing wrong in feeling this way. That is what everyone wants.

    I am sorry that your BF and you broke up after such a long time together. That can not be an easy thing you are going through. Breakups seem to get harder the longer the relationship last. It is perfectly ok and understandable if you are upset by the loss of this very important relationship to you.

    Do you have any kind of support network you can lean on? i.e. family and friends? You mentioned in your story you were afraid of contaminating them with your illness. Which tells me that you love them very much and they probably love you as well.

    What kind of treatment are you receiving for your disorder?

    How can we help you more? Always feel free to PM/IM if you want to chat about what is going on with you or you wish to discuss something in private.

    Take Care of Yourself