This has been going on for too long

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by metamorphosis17, Sep 22, 2011.

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  1. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    Hello all. I'm glad I found this place! For some reason, in all my depression and suicidality, I never thought to look for a suicide forum. I've been on forums for eating disorders (I had EDNOS) and self-harm, but I've never been on one specifically for suicide support.

    I seem to have a problem with simply thinking about it too much. I obsess over suicide, all without any real intention of doing it any time soon. I probably have thoughts of suicide run through my head several dozens times a day. It's horrible, distressing. It happens even when I'm in a good mood. I am always thinking about it and I don't really know why.

    I can't decide whether I need to fight the thoughts or just let them run over, in a forum like this, or something. I just don't know what to do. I've found myself limited in what I can write about when it's taking up almost half of my inner thoughts. I usually self-harm or get drunk/high to deal with these thoughts, but I'm trying to make myself stop all of those habits at once. I don't know how this is going to work for me and whether it will even last. I just have to try: all of my coping mechanisms were killing me in a slow death anyway.

    Thanks for reading. I just had to vent.
     
  2. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Welcome at SF and I hope the forum will help you sort some of what is going on in your like in a supportive and understanding environment. :)
     
  3. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the welcome Isabel :) I'm still surprised there is a place like this online. Most forums don't want you to even discuss suicidal feelings/thoughts. Just knowing this place is here is a bit of support and understanding.
     
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    A warm welcome to you, metamorphosis. P.S. your name reminds me of the book "The Metamorphosis." ~ Regards, Alex
     
  5. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    Thank you. Lol I love Franz Kafka's story. And, I am reading Ovid's Metamorphoses in my lit class this week. It just seemed like a good idea :D
     
  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    =D Enjoy that book!
     
  7. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    I will! :) Thanks. I've been wanting to read it for years, but just never managed to buy a copy. We're not even reading the whole text, just parts of it, which kinda disappoints me. Someday, though...
     
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums..It sounds like you have SI (suicidal Ideation)...Have you spoken to anyone about this?? I mean a therapist?? They can really help if that is the problem..It takes time but eventually they will get thru to you..Welcome again!!!
     
  9. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, definitely plenty of SI. I've been wondering recently whether it's part of OCD or not, but other than that...I just can't get to the root of it.
    I've been in therapy for several years, on and off. I'm currently seeing a counselor but its questionable just how much she's helping.

    I haven't told her about how often I think about it, though. I am terrified of her thinking I'm a "danger to myself" and trying to get someone to hospitalize me. So, I will only talk about urges to self-harm, etc...but nothing about suicide.
     
  10. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    welcome metamorphosis.. glad to have you aboard.. if the urge hits you real strong and you actually get to point where real close to doing it, then think that is time to talk to a professional about this.. also if you are not sure your current therapist is helping you then maybe time to get a new one..

    you take care, Jim
     
  11. Countdelafey

    Countdelafey Active Member

    Hello meta -I'm also new here so I guess we are joining buddies in a sense for lack of a less fruity phrase hah. In any case I know how you feel about hiding your suicidal thoughts from your counselor. I choose not to see a counselor for an array of reasons. However if you believe in their form of treatment enough to attend, I would say it's a waste of time and money not to mention the suicidal thoughts. I feel like you can avoid being hospitalized if you mention it while downplaying the intensity in a way. Maybe just imply that the thought has entered your mind but you haven't fully entertained the idea. Whatever your choice is I wish you the best.
    -Count
     
  12. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum. I am glad you chose to join us and seek support.
     
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