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This Has Happened Before... And It Will Happen Again

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Forgotten_Man, Jul 6, 2010.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I have no juice to keep faking things left. I am just living a lie because I am so weak. I have fallen into the crappiest pattern in my life. Every night I work out and feel pretty good about life. Then every morning I fight the desire to get my noose. It has been like this since I started working out. It is the worst pattern in the world. I do my best to envision what I am working towards. However, I am trying a bit to hard. I get lost in the fantasies, especially in bed while falling asleep. Even then my fantasies are a cold look at the terrible person I am.

    I am struggling to keep my promise to myself. Because I have no support in real life. I do Not like my roommate any more. Z tells me that I am better off not changing. Y... well who fucking cares? After all it has been two weeks she could text or email or something. However, no she cannot do that. Because she never really like me as a friend. My personal trainer encourages me. However, if he didn't he would not have a job. I love all of you guys however the wall of bits gets to me. Everyone is so supportive of my quest. I just wish one of you were on my side of the wall of bits.

    I feel so shallow and selfish. Right now suicide feels Like a selfless act. It would rid the world of that person who does so much for himself. I feel this way because I am not sure what I am doing will fix what I want it to fix. I feel like it all might be futile. Because I tried this once years ago. I failed, I can attribute that to Z and her sex. Not that I am complaining. Still failure came. My lack of dedication has shown me that failure might come again.

    There are so many ways to die on the way home... which way should I choose? Maybe after I write some suicide notes eight. :( to all of you who I have given advice to I am sorry you have to see this. Please, try not to hate this hypocrite too much.

    EDIT: I have been doing my method of self-harm a lot more recently as well. It just goes to show He far gone I am.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 6, 2010
  2. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    What happens between working out and your feeling so bad? What is the process that brings that about?

    I think you are being extremely hard on yourself. Saying that you are a "horrible" person. Most horrible people would not have the conciousness to see they were horrible. So Im sure your not. Often it is the best people that get tested the most by life. I think you are a GOOD perosn. You say you feel shallow and selfish,but shallow selfish people rarely come to that conclusion. Your good side is judging you and your good side seems very strong to me. You sound like a fine person to me.

    Im sorry if youve lost friends.But maybe its time to make some new ones.WE are here for that. Also look into support groups and 12 step groups. I made great new friends there and met great people who helped and cared.

    I am here for you. And everyone else is. If you are not getting the support you need in your world you ALWAYS will have it here. I PRAY you stop whatever self harm you are doing. PLEASE DONT DO THAT!!!! We have enough LOVE and CARING and HELP here to see you through!!!!

    Write me if you like,

  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I think I am a horrible person because even though I com to the conclusion that I am horrible I still am not changing my views .

    I think what happens is I just start thinking about what I want. I see how far off in the distance it is, and get depressed. I think it is stress and exhaustion as well.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    This happens to me, too. Probably happens to a lot of people. The goals may be far away, but every step we take to reach them IS a step closer to achieving them. Perhaps you could focus on how proud you are of yourself for taking steps to get closer rather on how far away the goals still appear? Could you give yourself small rewards for each day or each week's steps you have taken to achieve your goals?

    I'll be thinking of you! :hug:
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I guess my patience just wears thin. >.> it just feels like it takes forever to get where I want to get.

    I need to find something to reward myself for succeeding. Material rewards are nice.
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