I have no juice to keep faking things left. I am just living a lie because I am so weak. I have fallen into the crappiest pattern in my life. Every night I work out and feel pretty good about life. Then every morning I fight the desire to get my noose. It has been like this since I started working out. It is the worst pattern in the world. I do my best to envision what I am working towards. However, I am trying a bit to hard. I get lost in the fantasies, especially in bed while falling asleep. Even then my fantasies are a cold look at the terrible person I am. I am struggling to keep my promise to myself. Because I have no support in real life. I do Not like my roommate any more. Z tells me that I am better off not changing. Y... well who fucking cares? After all it has been two weeks she could text or email or something. However, no she cannot do that. Because she never really like me as a friend. My personal trainer encourages me. However, if he didn't he would not have a job. I love all of you guys however the wall of bits gets to me. Everyone is so supportive of my quest. I just wish one of you were on my side of the wall of bits. I feel so shallow and selfish. Right now suicide feels Like a selfless act. It would rid the world of that person who does so much for himself. I feel this way because I am not sure what I am doing will fix what I want it to fix. I feel like it all might be futile. Because I tried this once years ago. I failed, I can attribute that to Z and her sex. Not that I am complaining. Still failure came. My lack of dedication has shown me that failure might come again. There are so many ways to die on the way home... which way should I choose? Maybe after I write some suicide notes eight. to all of you who I have given advice to I am sorry you have to see this. Please, try not to hate this hypocrite too much. EDIT: I have been doing my method of self-harm a lot more recently as well. It just goes to show He far gone I am.