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This hurts like hell....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by princessofelegance, Mar 4, 2012.

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  1. princessofelegance

    princessofelegance Well-Known Member

    I honestly don't know what i'm supposed to do now... Had the whole suicide attempt, psychiatric hospital, new diagnosis thing.
    Got talking to this guy months ago, and he said all the right things, we got close organically, and we arranged to meet up. Everything was going so well, i had really fallen for him, he came down to where i live and we had such a good time. In heinsight i shouldn't have seen him so soon after i came out of hospital, in case it went wrong. Guess what it did go wrong, we were like a couple when he came down it was so lovely. Then he went home and said he didn't want to be with me anymore. It hurts like hell. I honestly don't want to be here anymore and i don't think i will be. It's past the stage of not being able to cope, I wasn't coping when i tried to kill myself last time and if anything things are worse now then they were then. I can't see a way out, it feels like suicide is my only option now.
    I've self harmed so much, it's not even slightly helping now. I don't want to be here anymore. Everything hurts so much :(
    I want the pain to stop, but even then i don't think i'd want to be here anymore.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun don;t let some guy do this to you hun YOu can move on i know it hurts but you can move pass this Please call your doctor or go back to hospital and get some help okay stay safe
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I know it sounds cliche, but it is truly his loss...maybe finding the strength within yourself so that no one person can determine your well being is something to work on now...I know for me, I had to hit bottom before I could take an honest look at myself and start rebuilding myself...talk to your doctor or therapist and tell him/her how awful you feel...and yes, if you are unsafe and in need of care, please go back to the hospital for care
  4. princessofelegance

    princessofelegance Well-Known Member

    Yeah, i have spoken to my CPN and she has said she'll see me this week to talk things through. I know i shouldn't have let him get to me like this, sounds so pathetic. But i guess i was just too believing & silly. Yet i felt like when it was happening i was being a pain and over cautious.
    Everything feels like such a mess, and i do feel i've hit rock bottom, i had hit rock bottom when i tried to kill myself twice in two weeks.
    I've got some art therapy starting at the end of the month and an assessment for counselling & hopfully i'll be referred to a DBT programme.
    I guess, childishly again, i want a quick fix. But i guess everyone wants that sometimes, it gets to the point where long term solutions seem to big to hold on to, because all i can think about it now. :(
    I gotta learn to be paitent i guess. Just feels like so many things i've got to change in order to get better and that pile of things looks huge to me. When in reality if i looked at them one thing at a time i could do it, but its difficult. I've always maintained my mind is trying to kill me and that feels very true at the moment. Battle of wills if you like.
    Thanks for replying to my post.
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    That sounds good nightgirl, are you comfortable talking with your CPN?
    Everyone wants a quick fix i guess, though many do not realise it. You do see the way forward, to take one thing at a time and work on it. It should get easier as well, as you get up some mental momentum.
    Sorry you let someone in and they hurt you.
  6. princessofelegance

    princessofelegance Well-Known Member

    Me and my CPN sometimes get on and other times don't. But she challenges me and my thought patterns which is what i need.
    I need to be so dissaplined to get through this, but i'm not sure how yet.
    Comes with time i guess.
    Yeah i hate the fact i let him in and he hurt me. Seems to always happen. :/
  7. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Yes, if she challenges you and makes you look at your patterns then she is helpful to you.
    It will be hard, but you have help from here, and on here too.
    Relationships are hard especially when someone struggles with their sense of self.
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry you were hurt. I don't think it's fair to you to beat yourself up for wanting someone to care. Sometimes that hope/need to be cared about is overwhelming. Hindsight seems to make us look back and think we could have done better if only...

    Getting hurt doesn't always have to happen. Perhaps if you take the time now for just yourself, you won't get overwhelmed by need/hope and go more slowly next time. Take care of yourself. :hug:
  9. princessofelegance

    princessofelegance Well-Known Member

    Acy I have been alone for 18 months, after my ex i had to be alone, I couldn't have begun to frust someone even if i wanted to.
    I think everyone on this planet at some point finds it hard to be alone, i like to think this because it doesn't make me feel so isolated.
    In this particular relationship i just had, it went slowly and happened completely organically. It wasn't forced or rushed, it just so happened, that the guy was playing long ball and
    I didn't realise this until i got hurt.
    I will always have a distorted view of myself, because that's part of whats wrong with me i guess.
    Hopfully it'll all stop hurting so much soon, it doesn't take much to shatter my world, again to do with what's wrong with me, sometimes i feel like im trying too hard to keep things together when actually i just need to let things happen that are meant to happen. I dunno.
  10. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Aww, I'm sorry, sweetie. :hug:

    It is hard to be alone sometimes. Glad it wasn't forced or rushed, but I'm so sorry that he hurt you. Are you blaming, judging, or criticizing yourself when you say "to do with what's wrong with me"? Just thinking that when I say things like that it's because I'm feeling that I deserve what I get or that I caused it. And that's often not true when we're feeling that way.

    This will eventually stop hurting. :hug:
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