This is a legit reason doncha think?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pioneer, Dec 20, 2007.

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  1. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    OK well under the comfort of anomaly I can painfully reveal a terrible secret, painful regret, and my the reason for my absolute desire for death. This really hurts me to reveal and admit this but I want to let it out.

    I am physically attracted to younger girls. There I said it. Not other men, not animals but younger girls which is even worse. A pedophile is the most hated creature on this planet, more so than murders, and I am one of them. But before I continue my virtual confession let me give you sort of an autobiography.

    I'm 21, in college, and have never seriously broken the law. May have stolen a snickers bar from time to time but thats it. I have never had a girlfriend, I am attracted to girls my own age though. I'm not attracted to babies, lets get that outta the way. No one below 8. And its something I cannot control, or more like something I'm losing control over.

    This condition is something that I really don't want (let me call it a condition because I hate calling myself evil). I'm around younger girls all the time while I'm home from college and I live next to a school at college. Scary huh? My cousins are the two girls that I'm around the most, they're 8 and 10. I love hem to death, I always think about them, and I love to make them happy with gifts. They really like it when I come and visit them, they're always happy with me. I never touched them though I want to. I used to be around kids all the time in h.s. I tutored at an elementary school and I love how attached they get. Every child I've ever met, every little girl I've met has given me the same experience. They become attached, open, and very loving. Always, always hugging me, kissing me, and doing whatever it takes to be close to me. Shamefully I embrace them. And each time I want to let them experience what the simulate towards me. You parents don't understand but alot of your daughters are very experimental at a young age. Its not right especially for me. I love being with children so much, I don't want to hurt them. But its not as simple as saying, "Then don't!" They're really physical around me and I love that attention.

    I am not however a killer. Do you know how painful it is to read about men and women raping kids and burying them alive, strangling them, hanging them?! Do you know how painful it is to feel that you could be like them? I will never hurt a child but being who I am I already have. This is why I'm so miserable and suicidal, all my younger female cousins, all the little girls who I've met I have wronged them in a way. Will I have sex with a younger girl? Maybe, how far will she tempt me? Why do these little girls have too wear tight cloths all the time and dance like they in a rap video? Why do they like to be so close and physical with me? And why am I like this? I cannot change it.

    I don't understand what I did wrong? I've worked hard all my life, I've tutored kids and done alot community service, I've given away personal belongings and material goods to these children just out of the simply joy of making them happy but I am still wrong because of something I cannot control. I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANY LITTLE GIRL I DON'T WANT THIS CONDITION WHAT DID I DO WRONG? I'm even too ashamed to face Jesus Christ I cannot go to church. I hate living with the thought that once I die I'll go straight to hell no matter what I've done good. So staying alive is very painful.

    I want to protect them, these little girls who I do truly love. This is the first step. I want to admit what I did first and I'll do it anonymously. Next I'll tell my h.s. teachers, they helped me into the elementary school tutoring. They were proud of my achievements in academics and in life since i came from poverty and violence. I'll let my god-mother know and ask her to let the rest of the family know. Finally I'll apologize to God before I see him. I just want to be with my cousins.
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    As a victim of an adults' predilection for young girls (I was 7) I can only tell you of the damage that is caused when an adult sees what is natural affection and openess (springing from innocence) as a sexual come on.
    I was plagued for years with the guilt of somehow thinking I had asked for it, and the innocence lost can never be regained.
    You can convince yourself all you like that these innocent children are being sexually provocative but believe me it is the last thing on their minds.

    Please, if not for your own sake, then the childrens; remove yourself from the temptation. Do not allow yourself to be alone with these children. Get some help ASAP!!!

    Don't let another child have to go thru the years of misery and therapy that those of us who were abused have had to go thru.
     
  3. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    I will not let them go thru that kind of ordeal because I refuse to be a rapist. But I cannot just go ask for help since I am public enemy #1. If I were to go to a psychiatrist then they would either 1) put me through some unproven experiment just to see what happens, 2) drug me up and make me numb to everything, or 3) just turn me in and be a hero. I've looked around an sadly found no real cure for this.
     
  4. aqaq22

    aqaq22 Well-Known Member

    First, I know nothing about this topic. But...

    Fox News televison has a guest pediphile on from time to time as a commentary guest about this subject. He is a self-admitted pediphile. I've always had respect for this man, being as honest, and open about his personality flaw as he is, and his willingness to open himself up to public riducule. Even the anchors treat him with the utmost respect. That respect is a result of his having admitted his problem, and abandoning his life now to helping educate the public to the dangers of this problem....that priority of his has become more important to him that the satisfaction of his own flawed needs. He's an extremely honest man, and it's obvious that his honesty and commitment to good outweighs his desire for self-satisfaction.

    He got help. I'm sure you've googled for help on this issue. You need to do what-ever it takes to not take a little girls innocence from her. Find the help you need, it is out there. I know it is. You're not going to be castrated. you should know this. Good luck (and God help your victims should you be unable to bring yourself to get help).

    Godspeed..
     
  5. aqaq22

    aqaq22 Well-Known Member

    No cure, just a daily reprieve. There should be groups, just as for alcoholics.


    No cure is no excuse. It can be controlled, just as with many other incurable, chonic diseases.
     
  6. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    I’m glad to hear that you care about the girls and that you don’t want to force them into a relationship. I know how painful and frustrating unrequited love can be, and I admire you for not giving in to your emotions.

    I realize girls often act older than they really are. I used to act precocious or flirtatious myself when I was younger, but I didn’t realize that my behavior could be interpreted as a come-on. I was simply trying to be more “grown-up”. Girls often dress in tight clothes and dance like that for the same reason. They’re trying to model the actions and look of the women on TV and in real life, to learn what it means to be an adult. It has very little to do with attracting a boy or a man. What little there actually is to do with that is only in an obscure and abstract way, without realizing what an adult relationship really entails.

    Have you ever read “Lolita” by Vladimir Nabokov and “How I Learned to Drive” by Paula Vogel? They both are excellent viewpoints about this issue.

    What is it that attracts you to younger girls? Is it the way they look, is it their innocence, or is it something else? I think it’s very important for everyone to understand what you’re looking for in a partner and, even more importantly, why that’s attractive to you. Do you feel like little girls understand you? Are you more comfortable around them? Do you feel like you’re not being judged by them?

    I also find that the people we’re attracted to reproduce other relationships we’ve observed or been a part of. Can you remember a time when you saw a relationship or were in a relationship similar to the one you now desire?

    You don’t have to answer these on here, of course (though feel free to pm me if you want to talk privately), and the answers probably won’t “cure” you, but some sense of self-understanding can help anyone feel better about their situation.
     
  7. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    The thing that attracts me to girls is well... Girls my age have always disliked me. They've been disrespectful, they have expectations of me that I cannot possibly achieve, and they've always acted like I have victimized them you know like it is my fault for all the bad men in their lives. Older women I really hate. I don't really like mom, I've never actually called her 'mom' before in my life. I never had a dad, I hate fathers and never want to be called one. The only memories that I have of my youth is of my mom yelling and cussing at me for not being the perfect son and making me work hard in school. I've never had a childhood really, its been all work and discipline. I am black and its common for us to not have fathers. The women that i meet usually treat me with disrespect too, like I victimized them and that everything is my fault. I'm different from most black men my age, I'm not in a gang, I don't have a record, I don't disrespect anyone. I feel weaker then them, these women think i am weaker than them because I refuse to be like a goddamn rapper. Thats why I hate older women.

    I like younger girls because they like me. They don't understand the culture around them, I don't think so at least. They actually like to be with me for who I am and how I make them feel. i told you that most of us don't have fathers and we feel unwanted, like we were a mistake. I've always hated that feeling and I never let them experience it while they are with me.

    I know they are innocent, they don't act like it but I know they are. They don't make me feel like I've done something wrong to them, but I have. I really don't know what to think. Is this some phase I'm going through? Did I make a mistake? Am I a mistake? I don't know what it is. All I know is that I really love them, I want the best for them, and I want to die because of it.
     
  8. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    "i told you that most of us don't have fathers and we feel unwanted, like we were a mistake. I've always hated that feeling and I never let them experience it while they are with me.

    I know they are innocent, they don't act like it but I know they are. They don't make me feel like I've done something wrong to them, but I have. I really don't know what to think. Is this some phase I'm going through? Did I make a mistake? Am I a mistake? I don't know what it is. All I know is that I really love them, I want the best for them, and I want to die because of it."

    I might be wrong in my interpretation yet would be worth being evaluated by a counselor, therapist or psichiatrist.

    you might mix the roles onto which you belong-act-unconciously offer etc. which make you believe or distrust your own self in its interpretation with clarity.

    Before calling yourself a pedophile or possible pedophile, what lays behind must be evaluated with lots of care and only whoever is adept of the sphere of the mind can do.

    You fear being locked up, castrated somhow by society or else, be sent to jail or whatever god forbid passes in your mind yet you ARENT ..... number 1
    most researched on this planet. you are merely a young confused man on some issue, even if touchy for many, and till you do get answer will be front and source of pain and suffering.

    I allow myself to answer this post for an unique reason. Few years back I have met such young person with pretty much similar issue who was absolutely mentally and physically destructed by his 'fears' to be a pedophile.

    He finally agreed to meet with a person from the health care working in psichiatry-psicology who after numerous encounters, talks, analyses etc..
    has confirmed his NON being a potential danger and FAR from pedophily.

    He has been followed for other issue(s) which had brought him to believe to be what he is not, and today leads a more than healthy and happy life.

    I recommend that you follow similar path and seek to enlight your potential or nonpotential of being or not something before putting on your forehead a sticker that does not pertain to yourself...

    Blessings

    Granny
     
  9. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    in answer to this post, wich can be seen as closure to my prior post, such support group with group therapy do exist.

    if interested, you can contact your mental health care for information and indications.

    good luck
     
  10. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    Sorry it took me so long to post again. I've been having trouble concentrating today for some reason. I hope this makes sense...:unsure:

    I can see why you don't want a relationship with older women: it seems like every significant woman in your life has been disapproving and domineering.

    I actually feel similar about men. My father went into rages when I was growing up, and although he's since learned to control his anger, I'm still scared of and angry about feeling physically weaker than many men. I'm not comfortable around them, even though I've taken martial arts and boxing.

    However, I know there are people out there who aren't like our parents. I know lots of girls of all colors and backgrounds who aren't interested in the gangster, criminal type of guy. In fact, those women you mentioned who seem to want that are either lying to themselves or trying to fit in. Where have you met these women? The location and circumstances may be why you haven’t had too many examples of the ones who don’t conform to the rapper lifestyle.

    As for your attraction to little girls, intense affection and platonic love can be extremely hard to distinguish from sexual and romantic love. The only way to tell the difference is by our actions. Real love of any kind is about sacrificing what you want for what the other person needs. Your cousins and the other children need a strong, positive male role model. I know I often wanted one myself. You’re doing a good thing by being there for them. You also need affection and acceptance, but a child cannot provide that adequately, even if they really wanted to.

    Perhaps this is a stage or a phase in your life, perhaps not. I know how hard it is to be near someone you’re strongly attracted to and to not be able to be with them more intimately, but I also know that those feelings, though still strong, fade to a more bearable level over time.

    You could see this as an opportunity to understand yourself—your past, personality, dreams, culture, and everything else that you are—more completely.


    I know you know all this, and that’s why you’re not evil, perverted, or a mistake. Evil people only care about themselves and their needs, disregarding the pain they are causing others in order to satisfy themselves. You’re a good person because you choose not to touch those little girls, because you choose to remember that they are innocent.


    I also agree with Endinday. If you have the means, look into finding a therapist (a psychiatrist wouldn't be able to help much in this case) or a support group. Who knows, you may have a friend or a relative you feel comfortable enough with to talk to about this.

    Of course, you can always post on SF and/or pm me, too. :smile:
     
  11. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    I'll take all your advices and talk to someone, a professional or a family member. Its just that I don't know how I'm supposed to act. My mom was controlling and demanding while I was under her care. Then suddenly once I turned 18 I'm suddenly a man and I'm on my own. I don't understand what ritual I went through to become a man and how I'm expected to know exactly what to do as a man. I don't know how I love children, if I just care about them or if I'm strongly attracted. I don't completely understand what affection is or how I should act around children. I want to talk about this but I just didn't know who to talk to. I don't admire any male figures in my life, except my grandfather but I feel to ashamed to talk to him. Whenever I do talk to an uncle or my mother the first thing they say to me is, "What yo grade look like boy?" So I've been dealing with this myself and I feel that the conclusion that I arrived to is a painful one. But I will try to talk to someone, I'm really not to trusting though.
     
  12. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    You say you wouldn't touch a child but actually you just don't know. You may feel that way right now but down the line.. one thing can lead to another. Please get the help now, speak out. If you cant speak to family then turn to a professional.
     
  13. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    due to your history with family relation, I would not advize you to turn to a family member as example and closenest doesn't exist. Instead turn to an outside help to see clear in this issue and go to the bottom of it and find
    peace.

    I wish you the best of luck with a professional and do not worry, the last thing they do is judge a person for what he or she may be facing.

    a warm hug to you

    granny
     
  14. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    Yes, it can be difficult showing and understanding intimacy if you haven't experienced it much growing up. I think a psychologist would be the best option, as you and Endinday said. However, I must warn you that it may take a few tries to find someone you're comfortable with. The good thing about a psychologist is that they have to keep almost everything you say private (it's the doctor-client privilage thing, but if the psychologist doesn't bring it up at the initial session, don't assume they're following that).

    I guess that's why I like psychologists: you can sue them or ruin their practice if they say something. :smile:

    Most doctors will break this privilege, however, if you're an immediate threat to yourself or others (that is, if you're planning suicide or homicide). Any other instances for breaches of confidentiality vary by state. For Ohio:

    "Mandatory Disclosure to state officials is required for child abuse (2151-421), occupational diseases (3701.25), contagious disease including AIDS (3701.24), or cases to be included on the Cancer Registry (3701.262)."

    It sounds like you haven't abused a child, and they can't report that you may be attracted to them. Of course, if the therapist responds in such a way that you feel uncomfortable discussing it further with him or her, I'd find another therapist anyway.

    The internet can be a great place to find the therapists in your area, if you're not sure where to start.

    * * *​
    Like resistance said, sometimes one thing can lead to another, and therapy doesn't mean immediate reprieve. My advice, if you are ever tempted, is to leave the situation (or room) and distract yourself until the urge passes. Take a walk or a long shower, post on the forum, lock yourself in a room and scream into a pillow, whatever it takes. Sorry if all that sounds condescending or silly, but sometimes I have strong urges to hurt myself or I just get unbearably frustrated, and these can help.
     
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