This is a long one but I need to tell someone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alucard oz, Feb 2, 2007.

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  1. Alucard oz

    Alucard oz Member

    This is going to be long i just need to write this though. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I became close to this woman over the internet and we talked for a long time and I eventually went over to canada to visit her. I made the mistake of being less than honest with her about myself. Not about my family or home life just about what i did for a living. I came clean with her about it but she already knew claims she didnt but the way she became cold towards me in the second week of my visit made it clear she did. I was a shut in for almost 10 years of my life from 16 till i was around 25 cause by sexual abuse by a family member i didnt want to tell her this cause it had ruined relationships in the past and i didnt want to go through feeling like that again. I made up a story about being in the navy and then working as a research analyst all things i would have done if life worked out differently. At first i didnt see the harm in it we were just talking over the internet if we had met in person i wouldnt have made stuff up but being over the internet just made it too easy. She is from a military family same as myself so i should have known that saying something like i was in the navy was stupid of me but it just snowballed from that one sentence at 1am in the morning. I should have taken it back there and then but i didnt and the lie just exploded. I was there in newfoundland for 5 weeks the first week was heaven i was so happy to be finally with her able to touch her and kiss her then the second week things started to go very wrong she became very cold to me. One part of this that i can still not figure out though is the other guy a friend of hers that she hadnt spoken to in 3 months was suddenly back in the picture the day i arrived there. This guy in my opinion was out to sabotage my visit from the start. He made it clear that he was after her talking about giving it another try to her over a cell phone while i was in the front seat of his car. She also told me that she hadnt had sex with anyone in 8 months that would have made it the beginning of 2006 but i later found out from him that they were having sex in july of 2006 during the time we were getting close to each other. She confirmed this but didnt think it was my business even though i promised her i wouldnt have sex with anyone until i could meet her. Ive drifted off point a little my mistake was made worse by my attempts to continue the lie i didnt know what else to do i was so afraid of being throw out of the house with no where to go. I was determined to confess my lie to everyone i went to each member of her family and confessed my lie to them telling her father was the hardest cause he was a military man i was so ashamed to have made that lie up. My confession didnt help matters the overwhelming depression started the night she came out onto the veranda and told me that i cant be with her and my excuses were pathetic for lying to her. I didnt know what do to i was so cut off from my family and the people that know the real me i couldnt defend myself. I couldnt deal with the loss of her i still had 3 weeks left there. So for the next 3 weeks i smoked i drank i tried to enjoy myself none of it mattered to her though. I became more and more depressed cut off from my support base with nobody to defend my against the constant belittling of me by her and her brother i was a joke. This other guy became more and more obvious a choice for her. It was in my last week there that things were worst of all. I was to go to what i thought was a party for her brother birthday instead it was me, him, and another guy and his wife and kid. They offered me drink after drink of moonshine and i passed out. Earlier before we left for that so called party she was on the phone to the other guy. I heard part of the conversation before i was asked to go look at something downstairs he was asking her what she was doing tonight and she said i dont know you want to go out. When i arrived back to her place she was out so i went on the internet and talked a friend we both shared he asked were she was i said i dont know he said he would text message her phone for me the message he wrote for me was thanks for the invite .. appartently her and the guy had both gone out that night to play poker and pool at a local pool hall somthing her and i had talked about doing she came home all pissed off that i had someone send that message i didnt care by then cause i knew that a couple of nights before she had gone up to his place while i was asleep said she came done to ask me to go to but i was asleep i was but i woke when she came down but she never asked me to go just said go back to sleep. I made some awful mistakes when i arrived back home from there cause i knew i would never see her again even though she said we would see about us being together but i knew she was just saying it i heard her talking to her mother about it her mother saying that i will be gone soon and she wouldnt have to deal with me anymore. But what i did when i got home was perhaps the most stupidest thing i have ever done i wasnt thinking straight i was beyond depressed and i posted on a website run by one of her friends pretending to be someone else it was only supposed to see if she would repond to the post and tell her story about my visit but it snowballed once again and people started responding asking questions giving advice so i answered them. She found out by having me join up again to see if my ip matched the one from the other account i posted under after that she cut me off completely. Things became worse i was standing on a street corner and saw a bus coming i thought if i walk out in front of that maybe i might live maybe my memory will be affected and i can forget everything then the alcoholic state i was in made me do some that i will never forgive myself for i told friends we shared pretending to be someone else that i had step in front of that bus. Well when one of those friends rung my house to see if i was ok they found out i lied yet again. I couldnt be anymore pathetic doing something like that and i dont want to see if i can something must be really wrong with me to have done these things to have said those things i had a small blood clot in my head but it wasnt anything to serious it was treated in a day with no complications it was something i thought maybe could explain why i did those things but it wasnt anywhere near my brain. But there must be something wrong with me cause normal people just dont do those things they dont tell people they were hit by a bus when they werent they dont lie to someone for months pretending to be someone they arent. I did these things i ruined what was the greatest thing that ever happened to me she is a beautiful intelligent woman that i will never ever be able to talk to again that will never tell me she forgives me. Something must be terribly wrong with me and i dont want to feel this way anymore I drink so much now my liver is in bad shape I smoke 30 or so smokes a day i can barely breath sometimes im just waiting for my body to give out to fail under the stress cause i cant live with the images of her in my mind when im trying to sleep i can still feel her body i can still hear her voice. Ive had people saying to me move on get over it shes gone forget her but they dont understand how much i wanted this they dont know how she made me happy every day i spoke the her was heaven. She is my beauty the woman that makes the world beautiful to me. I know its all my fault its all my own fault I am not going to start all over again i found something so beautiful and i ruined it in spectacular fashion im not starting all over again never again.
     
  2. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    Wow... that is some REALLY heavy shit. I don't know what to say... Just, please, don't kill yourself, and stop using the drugs. They might make you feel better but they are slowly killing you. PM me if you need any support.
     
  3. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    I think you learned a lot from your experience and behavior. If you didn't realize your mistakes, then you would have a problem. All you can do now is move on, and learn from your mistakes. Do things differently next time. You can't keep hanging on to something that does not exist anymore, meaning this relationship with the woman. There are other women out there, you just have to pick up and learn the best policy is honesty. She is not worth ending your life over. You can be a better person from this experience. Keep talking here about your problems, it helps alot.
     
  4. Alucard oz

    Alucard oz Member

    I know there are other 'plenty of fish in the sea' ive been told that so many times over the last month. Its all too much to start from square one all over again i was so happy with her she was perfect for me we are very much alike in some way not the lying part of my personality though she is beyond any woman i have ever met in my life intelligent, funny, beautiful. Its just so hard not having what i had with her i would stay up for days literally talking to her and when i feel asleep she would ring me and wake me up and i would do the same to her. We really connected and it wasnt because i said i was something i wasnt everytime that came up i tried to change the subject so i wouldnt have to continue the lie. Its hard to understand why i did it im not like that. The moment i said it to her i couldnt believe it and still cant figure out why i just didnt take it back in those first few minutes made a joke about it just said hey wait that was bullshit sorry. I didnt i just kept it up and i know now that was the moment when all this was over with that single sentence at 1am in the morning ruined my life.
     
  5. Alucard oz

    Alucard oz Member

    Thought were i should post this either in the substance abuse forum or here. I chose here cause what im about to say came about from the experience mention above. I tried heroin today for the first time and i have to say it was exactly what i needed to forget all the shit ive been through over the last few months. I didnt think about her at all today i didnt think about much of anything felt good to be numb for a few hours.
     
  6. immure

    immure Account Closed

    numbness has a high price to pay in the end. plz stop it before it stops u. not sure if u will get what i mean.great cost follows such a escape no one gets away that free with out grave consiquences.
     
  7. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    Alucard, PLEASE don't make the same mistake twice, regarding the heroin use. It may bring you a temp. relief, but heroin is a drug that you develop a very quick tolerance for, and therefore you need larger doses to still achieve a high, but worse, you quickly become addicted and if you think you have problems NOW? Just wait until you are addicted to heroin. Then you'll rob your own mother for the money to get it. Please stop while you're ahead.
     
  8. Alucard oz

    Alucard oz Member

    Well it runs in the family addiction that is im already an alcoholic and i dont really think anyone will care much if i overdose Im living alone above a fish and chip shop i moved away from my family after i got home from overseas i tried for a month or so to move on and get it together but i miss ashleigh sooo much and wont love anyone as i do her. i sit here every night looking at pictures of her visiting her myspace site looking for a mention of me but the only thing i find is people calling me a psycho and a stalker. Havent these people ever loved anyone soo much they loose all ability to think rationally is it so wrong to still feel love for someone even though they have turned their back on you. I never was abusive to her i never would be violent to her the only messages i would send her were asking her to talk to me and let me explain thats it and i stopped i havent tried to talk to her at all cause trying to explain myself is pointless now and feeling numb is the only way i can make it through the day. I sit here and try and forget being numb being high is all that helps.
     
  9. Dunce

    Dunce New Member

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