This is going to be long i just need to write this though. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I became close to this woman over the internet and we talked for a long time and I eventually went over to canada to visit her. I made the mistake of being less than honest with her about myself. Not about my family or home life just about what i did for a living. I came clean with her about it but she already knew claims she didnt but the way she became cold towards me in the second week of my visit made it clear she did. I was a shut in for almost 10 years of my life from 16 till i was around 25 cause by sexual abuse by a family member i didnt want to tell her this cause it had ruined relationships in the past and i didnt want to go through feeling like that again. I made up a story about being in the navy and then working as a research analyst all things i would have done if life worked out differently. At first i didnt see the harm in it we were just talking over the internet if we had met in person i wouldnt have made stuff up but being over the internet just made it too easy. She is from a military family same as myself so i should have known that saying something like i was in the navy was stupid of me but it just snowballed from that one sentence at 1am in the morning. I should have taken it back there and then but i didnt and the lie just exploded. I was there in newfoundland for 5 weeks the first week was heaven i was so happy to be finally with her able to touch her and kiss her then the second week things started to go very wrong she became very cold to me. One part of this that i can still not figure out though is the other guy a friend of hers that she hadnt spoken to in 3 months was suddenly back in the picture the day i arrived there. This guy in my opinion was out to sabotage my visit from the start. He made it clear that he was after her talking about giving it another try to her over a cell phone while i was in the front seat of his car. She also told me that she hadnt had sex with anyone in 8 months that would have made it the beginning of 2006 but i later found out from him that they were having sex in july of 2006 during the time we were getting close to each other. She confirmed this but didnt think it was my business even though i promised her i wouldnt have sex with anyone until i could meet her. Ive drifted off point a little my mistake was made worse by my attempts to continue the lie i didnt know what else to do i was so afraid of being throw out of the house with no where to go. I was determined to confess my lie to everyone i went to each member of her family and confessed my lie to them telling her father was the hardest cause he was a military man i was so ashamed to have made that lie up. My confession didnt help matters the overwhelming depression started the night she came out onto the veranda and told me that i cant be with her and my excuses were pathetic for lying to her. I didnt know what do to i was so cut off from my family and the people that know the real me i couldnt defend myself. I couldnt deal with the loss of her i still had 3 weeks left there. So for the next 3 weeks i smoked i drank i tried to enjoy myself none of it mattered to her though. I became more and more depressed cut off from my support base with nobody to defend my against the constant belittling of me by her and her brother i was a joke. This other guy became more and more obvious a choice for her. It was in my last week there that things were worst of all. I was to go to what i thought was a party for her brother birthday instead it was me, him, and another guy and his wife and kid. They offered me drink after drink of moonshine and i passed out. Earlier before we left for that so called party she was on the phone to the other guy. I heard part of the conversation before i was asked to go look at something downstairs he was asking her what she was doing tonight and she said i dont know you want to go out. When i arrived back to her place she was out so i went on the internet and talked a friend we both shared he asked were she was i said i dont know he said he would text message her phone for me the message he wrote for me was thanks for the invite .. appartently her and the guy had both gone out that night to play poker and pool at a local pool hall somthing her and i had talked about doing she came home all pissed off that i had someone send that message i didnt care by then cause i knew that a couple of nights before she had gone up to his place while i was asleep said she came done to ask me to go to but i was asleep i was but i woke when she came down but she never asked me to go just said go back to sleep. I made some awful mistakes when i arrived back home from there cause i knew i would never see her again even though she said we would see about us being together but i knew she was just saying it i heard her talking to her mother about it her mother saying that i will be gone soon and she wouldnt have to deal with me anymore. But what i did when i got home was perhaps the most stupidest thing i have ever done i wasnt thinking straight i was beyond depressed and i posted on a website run by one of her friends pretending to be someone else it was only supposed to see if she would repond to the post and tell her story about my visit but it snowballed once again and people started responding asking questions giving advice so i answered them. She found out by having me join up again to see if my ip matched the one from the other account i posted under after that she cut me off completely. Things became worse i was standing on a street corner and saw a bus coming i thought if i walk out in front of that maybe i might live maybe my memory will be affected and i can forget everything then the alcoholic state i was in made me do some that i will never forgive myself for i told friends we shared pretending to be someone else that i had step in front of that bus. Well when one of those friends rung my house to see if i was ok they found out i lied yet again. I couldnt be anymore pathetic doing something like that and i dont want to see if i can something must be really wrong with me to have done these things to have said those things i had a small blood clot in my head but it wasnt anything to serious it was treated in a day with no complications it was something i thought maybe could explain why i did those things but it wasnt anywhere near my brain. But there must be something wrong with me cause normal people just dont do those things they dont tell people they were hit by a bus when they werent they dont lie to someone for months pretending to be someone they arent. I did these things i ruined what was the greatest thing that ever happened to me she is a beautiful intelligent woman that i will never ever be able to talk to again that will never tell me she forgives me. Something must be terribly wrong with me and i dont want to feel this way anymore I drink so much now my liver is in bad shape I smoke 30 or so smokes a day i can barely breath sometimes im just waiting for my body to give out to fail under the stress cause i cant live with the images of her in my mind when im trying to sleep i can still feel her body i can still hear her voice. Ive had people saying to me move on get over it shes gone forget her but they dont understand how much i wanted this they dont know how she made me happy every day i spoke the her was heaven. She is my beauty the woman that makes the world beautiful to me. I know its all my fault its all my own fault I am not going to start all over again i found something so beautiful and i ruined it in spectacular fashion im not starting all over again never again.