This is a selfish thread, help other people first.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by make_me_bad, Oct 14, 2006.

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  1. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    I posted here under a more revealing name four or five weeks ago, announcing that I had just taken a bottle of pills. I was immediately advised by three people to call an ambulence, and I did.

    I was introduced to a new feeling of self-disgust when I woke up at the hospital hooked up to a cathoder (sp?), stripped of my clothing, with a stomach pump rammed down my throat, the taste of charcoal lingering on my tongue.

    Seriously, what an idiot. I'm home now, that's over. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been diagnosed schizophrenic, paranoid, obsessive compulsive, manic depressive, and just plain depressed. What I do know is that I have periods of euphoria where I feel motivated, interested in things, maybe even happy. I'm just coming out of one of these, but it motivated me to finally post here about how I feel.

    I'm just trying to build up a background for myself, I'm sure I've bored most people out of finishing reading this by now. I'll get to the problem I have right now.

    I've had this girlfriend for a few months. She's all I have. I can't keep a job, I'm convinced I'd do as bad in college as I did in high school. I don't have a car, I don't have friends nor do I know how to get any now that I'm out of school. I live on a couch. My possessions are stored in a cabinet. She knows all about me, she's given me a chance, she's the only one that's ever been with me more than a month without getting scared away.

    So naturally I'm coming off all obsessive and paranoid, I constantly accuse her of cheating on me, not really liking me, neglecting me, etc. And then I feel guilty about it. I usually contact her every morning as soon as I wake up and maintain contact all day until I can finally be with her (she goes to work, school.) It's hard on her, I understand that.

    So today, I'm giving her her space. It's 1:30 pm here, and I haven't texted her or called her. I really thought she would have called by now. Can everything I worry about be true? Maybe she doesn't really like me, maybe she hasn't even though of me today or noticed that I didn't call her. I'm under so much stress over this, so nervous about it, so anxious. I'm doing everything I can to cope. Listening to angry music, cutting myself. I feel so alone, she really doesn't care, and I don't have anybody else. I can't wait much longer.
     
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hiya welcome to the forums again :smile:

    Im glad your ok :smile: and im certainly glad you didn't suceed on that night, and im soo glad you callled an ambulance on the advise on others :smile:

    College is very different to high school, different ways of learning and different things to learn, your never know until you give it a try. Maybe try some night time courses in your local area or some like that :smile:

    I believe that your girlfriend cares about you, i don't believe that someone would support you if they didn't truely care :smile: the only way to truely find out is to ask her, sit down ask her to be honest and trust what she says because you respect and love her, after all a relationship can't be built without trust.

    vikki x
     
  3. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    I wish I could trust her, I really want to. I wasn't very clear about how big of an issue this is for me. I sit her down for a talk daily, to the point that she's annoyed by it. That's not my insecurities coming out, she's literally described me as annoying, and "like a girl", because of how emotional I am with her. Also, she treats me like crap. She yells at me and ignores me, which is to be expected with how clingy I am. She tells me she's just not an emotional person, an introvert. That she really does care and she just doesn't show it.

    But then I see her with her friends, laughing openly. So what is it with me that makes her quiet and seemingly upset when she's around me? She never shows any affection.

    How can I trust that she cares about me when she NEVER shows it, when if I don't make 100% of the effort to get us to talk or see each other, it just doesn't happen, we're apart all day and she's content with that. I have nightmares, I have visions of her cheating on me, I have voices telling me when she lies. I wish it was as simple as deciding to trust her.

    (edit) That was rude, I forgot to thank you for reading my crap and replying to it. My mind jumps around, I can never say all that I want to at once.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2006
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    hun obviously this whole thing is causing you the pain, i understand the you feel shes all you have, i personally dont think the relationship is working but thats my opinion, i think you'd be better off without the hassle of not being able to trust because obviously its making you feel like this, but hey tell me to shut up if ya want to.

    and no need to thank me for reading thats what im here for :smile:
     
  5. NoMotiv

    NoMotiv Active Member

    Hey mate,

    I understand how you feel, up until recently I was in a similar relationship, with me clinging to her very much and her getting annoyed about it. I know it may sound harsh, but I think you're better off without her. If you feel she isnt staying with you out of love (which is as I felt with my gf) its only gonna harm your self esteem as well as causing you to worry all day long.

    One day I just said to myself "I want her to be with me because she wants to, not because she feels she has to or any other reason" and I suggested to her that maybe we should break up, and she agreed. It hurt, for sure, and for like a week I felt very confused, but now I am glad I did. Not having to worry about not hearing from her really took a load of my shoulders, I feel much better and calmer now.

    The prospect of breaking up may seem scary, but I think it will ultimately do you good. Just think about it.

    Oh and PS: Glad you're still here.
     
  6. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    I feel that she's with me out of pity or desperation. Sometimes I think it's just to lower my defenses so one day she can hurt me more than she ever could by just telling me the truth, but that's my paranoid side and I don't think that when I'm being rational. The thing is, I've had over a dozen girlfriends, and ever since I was old enough to really care about a relationship (about halfway through high school), I've felt this way about every single one. So what if I'm wrong? What if she cares, how can I leave the only one that's willing to put up with it?

    I just got back from going to check if her car was at her work like a moron, I thought maybe something happened to her. It's there, everything's fine, she really has neglected to contact me as of yet. Yesterday she said she'd come over after she got off of work. I'll wait until an hour after she gets off and then call her and suggest that we end it. And then I'll make some pitiful post here.
     
  7. NoMotiv

    NoMotiv Active Member

    The problem is (from my personal experiences) that the harder you cling to her, the further you push her away. Perhaps you could first try a somewhat cooler approach, and let her for a while determine how close your relationship should be. I cant really give you concrete advice here, as I am still not sure how to handle it myself, but I think the best way to keep her near is to paradoxically 'loosen the leash' as it were.

    It might be that your relationship eventually ends when you 'set her free', but in that case I think it had no real future anyway. Suffocating her isnt the solution, and if she decides to stay with you out of free will that will be better both for your relationship and your self esteem.

    Good luck on whatever approach you take, and I look forward to hearing from you.
     
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Hey hun, Welcome back. What you were talking about made me think of my marriage. except it seems you are very mild compared to him. But my husband was very angry ALL the time, and he couldn't control his anger. And I am not sure what to say. I started off going to reply and try and support you now I am blathering about the asshole..lol


    Okay, hun most likely she is NOT cheating and I am sure she atleast likes you. But people need there space, especially women. And you might end up stressing her out and the more you do this probably the more she will want her space.


    Is it your voices telling you this? cuz I remember when I first got with my husband, really scared me but he woke me up one night screaming and yelling and spitting, he ended up telling me he wanted the voice to shut up and he was yelling at it and spitting in it's face. Which scared me (first time really saw him do that).......



    All I can saw is calm down, concentrate on something else. Don't obsses. Let her know you like/love her and you really do trust her it's just your illness and you'll try to remember it's not true. it's a dellusion. Tell her if she infact needs some space to just tell you and she can take however much she needs.




    I am a woman and have been in a similar situation minus being a psychotic, abusive, controlling, threatening, isolating intimadating person whom my husband is.



    Take Care, and if you EVER need anything you can message me on here or my MSN is: painNsiolence@hotmail.com and Yahoo: tha_cross_woman@yahoo.com


    Keep your chin up and think about what I have said.....:hug:


    Many hugs,
    Carolyn.
     
  9. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much vikki and motiv and pain, it's good to know that there are people who care and I'm not the only one who feels the way I do.

    I'm sorry pain, I might take you up on that and add you to my msn. I hope that's actually okay with you.
     
  10. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Perfectly fine hun! :hug:



    Hugs,
    Carolyn.
     
  11. NoMotiv

    NoMotiv Active Member

    Hey, I was wondering how you are doing, and how things are between you and your girlfriend.
     
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