this is just too much and i do not know how i am going to be able to handle it.:unsure: Yesterday, 2 things happened to me and the day before that was a total failour. And to top all of this off i have to endure pain from a illness inside my body plus all this spiritual and emotional pain as well. it is building up and its going to explode and when it does i will be in really bad shape. okay, why am i complaining and what happened? well monday, after calling the minister that i attend church at regularly, i tell him what doc said about dad having to have surgery for sure and that the cancer is in his lymp nodes and all. the minister then ask me well did you not see the knot on his neck and i told him no of course i did not. that got me to thinking i am a failor. i failed because i did not notice a knot on his neck. it made me relly sad and it hurt me a lot because now i feel its all my fault because i did not take care of him enough:sad: but i truly never seen the knot until about 2 weeks ago and dad never said his throat hurt him or anything. now i feel its all my fault. just like when mom passed away. i made her go to the doctor. i told her if she did not go i would force her when i got home from school, dad got the neighbor to take her up to the ER and 2 weeks later she died. i made her and she died. that was my fault, now because i could not sence anything wrong with dad now hes going to die sooner then id like him to. doc says hes 74 and the surgery will be a minimum of 6 to 8 hours and he may not make it. in 2 weeks he has to have this surgery and its all my fault. preacher said it was, said that i did not notice it. that is my fault. then yesterday, first my fridge tears up. then my van battery dies. i cant even get dad up to the doc appointment at 10:45 next monday cause my stupid van battery died, i cant get one until i get money and that will be one week from this friday. i cant even borrow one cause i got no one that is close to me or a friend to loan me a battery. so im screwed and a failor. everything is hitting me again all at once and i cant handle it. i really cant handle it.:sad: bible says God will not put more then you can handle but this is just too much. if God is putting me through a test then i fail because i cant handle this anymore nor can i handle it alone. something has to give and maybe that giving is me giving up. i cant handle it anymore..