This is beyond my control..Help..

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SweetVitriol, Mar 3, 2010.

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  1. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    I cannot believe that I am risking accessing this site whilst at work but I really do need someone right now..

    After weeks of mania & insomnia I have finally hit my turn around point, only this time it has come without my usual couple of weeks stability..I have plunged back into such a black rage that I fear for me & for those around me..

    The bottom line is that I am an unmedicated bipolar sufferer (My previous meds nearly killed me thanks to an unknown allergy so since then I have battled without any ) I thought I had a handle on things...I honestly thought that I could make it through this time but I am scared of what is going through my mind..

    Here I am, a suicidal senior staff nurse on a night shift logging on to the forum whilst surrounded by medications that could so easily be taken home and put to use..The temptation is so strong..

    For the first time in a long while I am doubting my strength to resist..At least I know it would be quick and painless & I would not have to remain to endure the shame of existance..

    This is my hour of need..Someone, please listen
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I am here are you still logged on? It says you are gone..gonna send you a PM...Hang in there, Bambi
  3. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Sorry hon...Have to keep shutting down the terminal otherwise one of my team will see..

    I cannot risk them finding out what is running through my head or I will be struck off before the deed is done..And I know I could not handle the shame of being struck off & censured by my governing body..

    At least I can be satisfied that I got something from this shit hole..>Even if it is my OD stash..
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member


    How did the rest of your shift go? How are you doing now?

    Have you thought about maybe trying meds again, but maybe having allergy testing or something first? Did they give you any other med options after your initial allergy problem?

    Do you see anyone to help with your Bipolar? Anyone you can call when you feel so bad?
  5. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Finally home and behind locked doors...

    Thank you to those who answered my call..I knew it was a risk but it was so needed.
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    do you feel any better now you are home?
  7. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Not really..I honestly thought that I would have a couple of weeks where the swings slowed down and I could have some stability but alas..

    At least when I have my downward swings I know I can mentally handle the negative thoughts, the voices & the pain..Rather that than the insomnia, mania & impulsive acts..I just honestly thought I was getting better at handling this..Obviously I am not..

    All I can do is cling on for dear life and pray the sky won't fall on me..
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