I hate that I'm 19, and I've still never had my first kiss or had my first boyfriend. It's a stupid thing to dwell on all the time, but it really plays with my self esteem and depression and eating habits. I feel like I'm never going to be perfect enough for someone, because the only date I've been on ended in the guy trying to kiss me and touching me, and telling me to get used to it when I told him I don't like to be touched. Needless to say, nothing ever came of that. The other guy I was interested in who was also interested in me, and the only boy I've ever held hands with (I hate holding hands, and really any type of physical contact), stopped talking to me when he found out I want to wait until marriage to have sex. I don't like that I don't like being touched, I don't like being close to people, and while I want a relationship, I'm so scared to actually have one (not that anyone is interested). So far all I've been to anyone is a piece of meat they nudge their guy friends about at night. The only thing I'm ever going to be viewed as is something to bang and leave. Someone actually told me once that they hope the first guy I'm with fucks me and never speaks to me again. I'm so afraid that that is exactly what I'm destined for.