This is for me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gavrr3, Oct 17, 2007.

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  1. gavrr3

    gavrr3 New Member

    Right now i feel absolutely awful. my life seems to be one long massive pain, interspersed with tiny bits of happiness. These little bits of happiness just build me up to get knocked down even harder. 26 yesterday, 26 years of fighting and being strong whilst inside i feel lost and alone. I guess im not totally useless, just almost. i have a girlfriend which i love more than anything on this planet, but she doesnt love me. ive had girlfriends before, they didnt love me either. my father died when i was very young and it affected my mum and brother. its not that they dont like me, its that im not that important for them - or anyone. my last "proper" girlfriend before this one lied and cheated on me. i only found out after afew years. i have never cheated on anyone in my life and would never dream of cheating. people say that i am so nice and i would help anone even if it really put me out of my way and i believe this to be true. my current girlfriend went back home for last christmas to be with her family and went skiing. i knew before she was going that her ex would also be at the same hotel. i was a little worried, but i trusted her. we spoke on the phone afew times whilst she was away and she sounded fine, upset somedays, but mostly happy. when she came back, before i was due to see her, she sent me a text message tellling me that she had had a holiday "romance" with her ex. this was 1 month into us being together, and to be honest, it hurt so much but i believe in forgiveness, although im not the most religeous person in the world, i do believe some of the things they say is good. she said she really regretted it and it was the biggest mistake of her life. she is so honest and even now i believe her when she said that. the problem for me is that the ex still wont move on and try and get his own girlfriend. he still hangs around and sometimes i feel she always takes his side on things even though ive been a big person to forgive him aswell and have treated him really well. i know he was an important person in her life and i dont want to stop her seeing him totally. its just every time i see them together, it takes something from me and makes me feel like a mug. we do spend alot of time together as i work with her aswell, so we decided that we shouldnt always go out together. tonight, i went out with a friend i havent seen in 2 years, came home, dropped past her house as i was supposed to call her but it was later that id planned. i thought she was in bed so as i went to walk away home, i saw his car. i called her and she opened the door and said he had just been there for 5 minutes. she asked why i called and asked if i was checking up on her. i seriously wasnt, but that sounded just like something my ex girlfriend said to me when she was cheating on me. i reminded me of all the hurt from back then and all the pain i would feel if this had happened again. i stayed in her house until he left. they went into the hallway and i heard them hugging and 2 kisses. i know that all their friends great each other like that, but when i left, all i got was a small peck and bye, then the door shut. i fear i no longer trust anyone. ive lost my faith in humanity. why are all people so horrible to each other? i know what i should probably do, but i thought she was my last chance for happiness, getting away from it all would send my paranoia into overdrive. like i said before, as soon as some small piece of happiness happens, it always falls down making me feel worse and worse. she really is amazing, she is so honest. i might sound stupid here, but i dont think she is cheating but i cant stand the pain in my head and all the paranoia. she always said i was had to open up, and shy and now ive opened abit, something like this happens and i feel worse than ever. i dont think i can do it again. i cant trust someone else with a year of my life just for this to happen again. i find i cant talk to people anymore. i can help everyone else and say the right thing for them, but i cant sort myself out. this world feels like bits of glass in my head, grinding, and i want it to stop. i find myself hoping to die in my sleep, or die saving someone or being murdered so that it wouldnt make my friends feel guilty or bad. truth is, i dont think i could commit suicide as i would be ashamed and feel guilty of how i would make others feel, and also because i dont want someone else to have to clean up the mess. i just dont know what to do. i cant see myself in the future with a family, happy. thats what i want, but i dont think it will happen. i know this is a long load of shit, but this is for me to read in the future, and look back at how everything sorted itself out and wasnt as bad as i thought at the time.i really wish more than everything that this world would sort itself out. and people would learn how to treat people properly. i feel so worthless now. i know i smile at everyone and and try and make everyone happy, but im losing my fight at the moment. i wish i was never born. in a way, i wish i could tell my girlfriend this stuff, but you cant. she cares abit, but just not that much i think. i cant even think straight now, im typing such crap. maybe i was put on this earth to help others. i think im pretty strong in mind, although this is really testing me. i would like to help other people on this forum that maybe arent as strong.

    my problems arent totally about girls, just tonight and recently it is and its making me feel worse. its as if everyone always leaves me. everything ive achieved has been done on my own, but something always ruins everything. all my friends have houses and cars but they have all had help from their parents and i really havent had any help. im proud of myself in that way, but im geting nowhere. im lost. i dont want to be alone anymore. i want someone to love me and worry about me. there must be something about me that is unlovable. im wrestling in my mind, one minute im making sense, then just everything gets to me all at once, and its a horrible feeling
  2. bluefugue

    bluefugue Member

    I think we all feel that way sometimes.

    How are you holding up?
  3. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that happened. I can't be the judge of whether she's cheating, but I would have difficulty trusting someone in that situation. If she is cheating, there is someone out there who will love and cherish and be faithful to you.

    I feel that I am unlovable as well. Do you know why you feel this way? For me, it's simply because my flaws are overwhelming, but you sound like a caring person. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, and take care.
  4. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    I really think you should have a go discussing this stuff with you girlfriend :/
    sure it might not go fantastically.. but at least it would be out there. it might make you feel a tad better?
    Take care and good luck with it all :hug:
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