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This is Frightening

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Boceifus, Sep 23, 2010.

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  1. Boceifus

    Boceifus Active Member

    For the last month my life has been utter hell. The woman I have shared my life with for the last 4 years suddenly left me without any explanation. In the time since she has been gone I've gotten next to no contact from her, no explanation as to why this all happened, and I don't fore see that changing any time soon. At the same time that my romantic life has fallen to pieces and I've had to accept that everything I've been planning on is no longer a possibility, my financial future has been held hostage by the university I attend. For an entire month they have been deciding whether or not they will grant me in state tuition or not. If they say yes, then I've got a chance. If they say no, then I'll have to take on $65,000 in student debt just for the last year of my Bachelor's degree. I went to the student mental health center to try and talk to them, but it took me nearly 2 weeks to be seen and that was just for a 20 minute "triage" appointment to see what I'll need going forward. They're trying to fit me in for more sessions, but my class schedule didn't match up with their openings and he isn't sure what they'll be able to do for me. I hear back from them about my options tomorrow.

    Yesterday I bought the means to end my life and even found the spot at which I plan to do it. The only thing holding me back right now are the loose ends of what to do as far as leaving behind an explanation and finding some way to make sure my dog will be taken care of properly once I'm gone without alerting people as to what I'm planning.

    A month ago at this time I was with the love of my life planning our wedding together. This time a month from now I can't even convince myself I'll still be alive. This semester is falling apart because my efforts in class have been in the dumps for about 3 weeks now. I've sleep walked through two tests already and I don't think I have much time left before this semester is totally lost to me.

    Everything is slipping away so quickly and I can't seem to do anything about it. The easy way out is getting harder and harder to rule out.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    You sound so overwhelmed and I can hear your pain..
    i want to say how sorry I am for your breakup...I know how hard they can be...but it's only been a month so give yourself some time to pass before you think about ending your life...no-one is worth killing yourself over even though it feels like it at the time...

    re the uni someone else might have some better advice here as I don't know how schools operate...but don't give up on them yet ok....
    go back and talk to them again and tell them how you are feeling..better to skip a class than to take your life..

    if that doesn't work go see your doctor for help....
    suicide is not your only option ....
    your life is the most important thing....and your dog needs you.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to focus on you okay talk to coucillors again and perhaps drop a few classes and take them in the summer lighten the load a bit. She got cold feet and who know it has only been a month you don't know what will come later.
    Keep yourself doing well at school so you can have a future if not with her with someone who does love you totally who will be worth having you love. Stop and get help now okay before you get any deeper Go to the coundillors there and get the advice they can give you Do NOT throw you life away over someone that didn't even have the heart to explain why she was leaving she is not worth it okay get help
  4. JTM

    JTM Member

    She isn't worth it. The above is totally right.

    This is a rough, overwhelming patch. Take a step back, keep on at the school until they give you the help you need, and within two months you'll feel a lot better.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Can you go to class late or leave early to have the appointment? I am sure the professor will understand if it can be arranged. Also, see what you can do to get other options re financial support. If you live in the US, are you at the financial level for entitlements? If out of US, can you seek other ways to support yourself? Keep talking to us and please PM me if I can be there to support you. We need ppl here who understand how important it is to take care of our pets (My cat has saved my life more times than I wish to admit) big hugs, J
  6. Boceifus

    Boceifus Active Member

    My mother is flying down soon, even though she doesn't know what I've been thinking of doing to myself. The rational part of me knows I need to admit things to her and get help. The rest of me, however, begged her not to come because once she is here I know Gonzo will be taken care of and that I'll be able to see her one last time...the two things that have kept me from doing anything to myself so far.

    I'm really hoping I'm having a moment of clarity when she gets here, because I don't know that I can do the right thing otherwise.
  7. Boceifus

    Boceifus Active Member

    I wish I could have some stability in my moods over the course of the day. This morning started off horribly, as has every day where I've woken up alone in my living room. As the day progressed I reached out to a new friend and we were making plans for the day, I spoke to my brother online, and my spirits were high. Sadly, as the hours progressed and the light outside went away, my mood went with it. I'm not completely alone in my apartment, no contact from the friend who was supposed to come over, and I have nothing to look forward to but another night alone in this apartment...followed by another hard morning...followed by another long day.

    Onward this will repeat until it's all over, one way or the other. The peaks and valleys are all I can see.
  8. Johnnyc

    Johnnyc Well-Known Member

    Think of your mother and how she would feel if you died. I'm guessing how you feel now or worse.
  9. Boceifus

    Boceifus Active Member

    I try to focus on what this would do to people in my life, and I know it would be truly awful for them, especially my Mother. It's just so damned hard to endure this constant pain day in and day out for the sake of others not having to do the same. When my ex left my life, her actions have completely stripped me of my self worth and my ability to care about myself. Every part of my life from scholastic to financial to emotional to sexual to everything else in between has been completely devastated by her actions. I don't want to put my mother through the hell of losing a child, especially not like this, but every hour I'm alive is nothing but mood swings, mental anguish, and ever present doubt.

    Yesterday was even a great day, relatively speaking. Yes I woke up in the middle of a panic attack, yes I broke down and cried more times than I want to admit to myself, yes I had all of the same horrible thoughts. However, I also talked to the Crisis Center to get through my panic attack. I talked with a friend who has suffered through depression herself for nearly 2 hours and opened up about things, I talked to my father on the phone for half an hour about things, and I had a friend visit who was recently cheated on by her boyfriend and who is feeling just as crippled as I am...she stayed here for nearly 3 hours as we just opened up about everything. I was even able to watch one of the shows that was one of "our shows" with my ex, without breaking down and just sobbing after 30 seconds like what happened the last time. I actually went to sleep in our bed for the first time in nearly 3 weeks because I felt like I had made enough progress to take such a step.

    What happens? I wake up from a nightmare about her unable to breathe and I quickly fall into a full blown panic attack. Every sad thought rushes right back in, kicking out all of the confidence I had built up yesterday. Every terrifying though of her with the other man took root in my imagination. Every fear about her just waiting to drop the other shoe and tell me that I'm out of her life forever took hold of my thoughts. Every self loathing idea that drives me ever closer to walking out into the woods and ending thing stormed back into my mind.

    I don't want to abandon my family. I don't want to hurt my friends. I don't want to give up on life...but god dammit, I'm losing this fight. A month of this much pain and this much doubt and this little faith in anything about myself has beaten that last shred of my that wants to fight on and live to a pulp. I don't know how many more days I can absolutely crash in upon myself before that last little shred of myself can't answer the bell anymore and the fight ends. I've spent the last 4 hellish days since finding out my mother will be visiting soon in a complete holding pattern just waiting for her to buy her ticket so I can know that in x-number of days I'll have someone in my home to rely on and to help get me through this, but each day that passes something else pops up which prevents her from buying the ticket or letting me hear from her. This agony of waiting to find out when I won't be waiting anymore is building up because like everything else in my life I have absolutely no control over it and my decisions are at the whim of some other person.

    The only things that remain in my hands these days are taking care of my dog and knowing that I could end this...everything else is lost to my control. Even things like focusing on school or helping myself out somehow don't feel like I control them because this awful mental state I've been placed in has rendered those things irrelevant to me.

    I had to lie to my father yesterday and tell him that I'm doing well because I can't admit to him just how hard I'm failing to live up to his advice and his example. I know how hard it is for him to reach out and to deal with emotional things like this break up, so I don't want to make him have to hear my fucked up thoughts...even though me killing myself will cripple him. DAMMIT I hate this position I'm in. I hate that I've allowed myself to be reduced to something this pathetic and I hate that at 24 years old I cannot do a single god damn thing to make this better for myself. I've reached out to so many people in my life, I've joined this forum, I've attempted to start therapy, I've relied on the crisis center, I've researched coping methods and strategies for moving on from break ups...I have done my damnedest to find what I need to find to move forward and I'm still stuck at square one without any progress in sight.
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