this is going to be the last year of my life (seriously urgent)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Surely Not, May 10, 2011.

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  1. Surely Not

    Surely Not Well-Known Member

    i have to promise myself that.

    i thought that somehow things might be able to get better, but while my situation has gotten increasingly better i just keep feeling worse and worse.

    in the last year i have tried killing myself twice< edit moderator total eclipse methods >

    the first was in april of last year (the next day i was sent to a psychiatric hospital, though nobody was aware of my suicide attempt); the second was a few months later into the summer. the second wasn't incredibly serious, though, i don't think. obviously, i survived both of them.

    the next year i stole large amounts of opiates from my grandparents (they don't use them so i didn't really feel guilty) and abused them about twice a week <(edit moderator total eclipse>of percocet/oxycontin/vicodin generally. didn't matter which.) i never become addicted but only quit so i could sell the remainder of my pills when i was in need of some money.

    anyway my depression spans the majority of my life. i've been on multiple antidepressants (zoloft, prozac, and two others i can't remember). i have been in two psychiatric hospitals and seen multiple therapists with no relief.

    only recently have i seemed to become very self-aware in recognizing what was wrong with me, how i felt, etc.

    anyway. my life has only gotten better and better over the last year. i graduated high school six months early (i'm 18, by the way), saved up money to go to london in february for my birthday. met up with this guy i met online, fell in love etc. i was only there for a week.

    i went home and saved up money and flew back to london in april. i'm due to stay here until july. since i've been here i've been feeling incredibly suicidal. i'm in love (or as close as i possibly could be), i've been spending around 4 nights a week at his house with his family whom i adore. they've been very welcoming. i got over my crippling anxiety with him with a bit of valium (probably letting my realize my potential blahhblah).

    anyway. again, since i've been here i've been very suicidal, depressed, and having severe dissociative and depersonalization episodes that have left me wanting to do nothing other than sleep.

    i honest to god want to kill myself before i'm due to go home in july. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. medication doesn't help. i have no idea what to say in therapy i just don't know what to do.

    life is nearly perfect but i want nothing to do with it.





    this is a lot of boring bullshit but the most important things are my suicidal feelings and the dissociative/depersonalization episodes. if i could get those under control things could be alright.

    i just want to feel okay.




    i am extremely suicidal tonight i have access to alcohol benzos oxycontin and insulin and am having difficulties not reaching for them at the moment.


    please help
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 10, 2011
  2. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    well the first thing i would say is throw out all the medication, well not the insulin as i guess you need it. and pour away the alc...put yourself in a safe position.

    have you got access to a crisis line, or get yourself to nearest hospital. you need to tell your therapist of suicide attempts else they cant help you as much.

    i would think most here have suffered depersonalisation / disassociation - i know i do a lot and whilst it was weird to start with, in a weird way it now helps me get through each day and i dont fear it, it cant hurt you, only you can do that. these are symptoms of anxiety so maybe you need to get your meds checked and maybe get therapist to give you some cbt to deal with it.

    stay on here and talk through your suicidal feelings, or phone crisis line or get yourself to hospital. can you ring your bf? does he know about these feelings? maybe get him over to take you to hospital.

    keep yourself safe...and keep reaching out for help

    :hug:
     
  3. Surely Not

    Surely Not Well-Known Member

    the medications are not mine. they belong to the people i'm living with. my boyfriend and i are fighting at the moment so i can't talk to him about it (that's not what triggered this, though. it's kind of irrelevant to how i'm feeling). i don't know what to do. i feel like injuring myself.

    lately i've been catching myself scratching at myself deep enough to draw blood without noticing.

    i just don't feel like any of this is real i feel so removed and detatched. i don't feel like i'm real i feel as i've i've already died and none of this is really happening

    i've been wanting to die since i was seven. i just want to lie in my boyfriend's arms. i'm scared of being alone.
     
  4. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    so you are not on meds for your anxiety issues? ok, thats the first thing to sort out...and maybe that will have a ripple effect with the scratching...(you may want to read self harm forum)

    i would ask you to consider either phoning a crisis line or getting yourself to hospital, if you live with peep tell them to remove the meds from your reach as you feel suicidal. is there someone there now you can get to take you to hospital or make the call for you?

    you dont have to suffer alone, and you have reached out here which is a positive step...i wish i could put my hand through my monitor and grab you and put you in a safe place, but i cant, so you have to do it yourself.

    please phone crisis line or samaritans, maybe speaking to a real voice will help calm you enough to let you sleep and wake up tomorrow feeling a little different. you need to talk to your doc about your feelings and get some proper medication.

    stay safe pls :hug:
     
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    First off, what you say is NOT a 'lot of boring bullsh**' - its your story of a young person trying to cope with a debilitating illness and you needed to outline what changes your life has gone through for us to understand some of what you are going through.

    You don't mention your family apart from your grandmother. Is there any fallout over you moving away and meeting this young man? After all, London I'm presuming is far from your home - and it can get lonely up there, even if you have someone.

    It's good you met his family - you should tell your own family about this as it allays worry. I'd be worried if any 18 yr old relative went off to London, especially if she suffered with depression and maybe had access to facilities back home and more help around you.

    As for coming home - is this for education? Bear in mind your boyfriend would have to accept this - hopefully encourage you as your young and need that education. Also, mixing with people in the higher education is a different world from school were you may not have got on well.

    You can meet someone, fall in love, but depression is still there. In fact you might assume 'love is all you need' but what we really need is to be comfortable with our own selves first. I presume you've told your boyfriend about your condition, that is a good thing but you still need to carry on your treatment. People assumed that our brains growth was ended in the teens, but in reality it seems to continue in our twenties - this is the process of becoming who we are and its an important time for you get help now as it really can stop a lot of grief in later years.

    New meds are coming out all the time - new treatments also which are at the stage of zeroing in on tiny regions of the brain, using low levels of electricity and targeting that area which seems to 'quieten it' which is something experts have only just discovered. Apparently people who see stressful images will always have this area of the brain go 'active' - with depression it can be process which prevents it reverting to inactive. Interesting stuff that is soon to be a reality for people with depression.

    The main set back with anti depression medicine is the waiting period of up to 6-8 weeks. Imagine going to a pharmacist and asking for some remedy to any medical problem and being told it might work,, but it will take 8 weeks perhaps. I think people need something that works like many other drugs - promptly!

    That might happen - in fact, the way research is going and the sheer money involved means its even more likely to happen pretty soon.

    Experimental drugs are being tested as we speak (or as I write)

    I think most people with depression would actually feel a lot better IF the scientists and biologists came up with a definitive cause - some biological anomaly which causes depression.

    At that point you can wear a T Shirt with the slogan "Depression - Winning!' People would not be so hesitant to tell people what is wrong if we had that definite proof that its just genetic or biological. Even better when we can say "and now we understand the cause, we have a cure".

    Many people ARE lucky just using the meds and counselling and so on we have today. Some people can take an SSRI and feel like they have stepped into daylight the first time for years. Others experiment and might need to patient and try different amounts of the drug and perhaps combinations if something works but side effects negate the positive effects.

    Amazing thing is - with schizophrenia, we have come a long way. I know this as my neighbours who are that way are fairly normal guys. You would think the more tamer mental conditions would be easier to deal with but not so. Not yet at least. But we will get there!

    Anyhow, back to you - I hope you are getting help in London - and if you are feeling too stressful it might be better going home early as you can think more about your life - this new boyfriend and were that is going. I'm sure your family would be glad to see you if you can get back to them - or at least let them know how you are.

    You've known this young man now for about two months or so - I mean being with him. At this point you'll be starting to mark off various things in your head with regards to how this man matches up and whether he is right for you.

    You say your as close in love as can be - which is a little bit hesitant perhaps - like your leaving options open if life gets too stressful in London. I've lived there many times, its nice to be around all the gigs and so on - but you need people there to be with. I missed my family - all the men I worked with were paying a fortune on the phones until some kind African gent in work showed us how to get free calls. He charged a small fee but you got to admire his ingenuity if not his morality.

    I don't think you should worry about going home - at some time in a romance you NEED that break to weigh up things. As a women, your mind is working on a different level to men - I'm not sure if this boyfriend is who you want to be with all your life - so don't do anything rash like marry him. You've just met and being as close as you can be in love is maybe not that 100% that we need.

    the 1% doubts we have, would not talking to your parents help? Any family back home who you are talking to! Sometimes we fall out but please don't let turn into one of those family silences which can go on for years.

    I hope you have a good family.

    Please do get some help IF you get to a stage were you think you might do yourself harm.

    Talk to us here - we care and many can relate to what you have gone through.

    And although you've been through a lot of meds and so on - changes are afoot and treatment of depression is sort of being taken more seriously now the people in charge realise its costing them tens of billions per year in lost production, days off, lack of motivation and so on.

    Shame that only a profit inspires them - but lets be thankful either way as I'm sure we'll be seeing big changes in the years to come.

    Talking to people helps a lot also. A lot!

    Good luck and I hope and pray you get help and hope you go back home also for a break and to think about things.
     
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