This is hell.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by blackbirdfly, May 8, 2013.

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  1. blackbirdfly

    blackbirdfly Well-Known Member

    I don't even know what to write anymore. I obviously have things I could tell you about my life, but if I even typed them I would kill myself before I could finish. I'm in so much pain, all the time, and I NEVER EVER EVER EVER get a break from that. I'm never happy. I never smile. I never can sleep.

    All I know is the darkness I'm in, and how horrible I feel all the time. I've tried every way possible to feel better: I've moved around, found new people, tried new jobs, studied different things in school, went to a rehab program, tried cognitive behavioral therapy, everything.

    And I haven't had a single moment of happiness or peace of mind. I feel like my mind is fucking screaming at me, all day long.

    I don't want to kill myself, but I know this isn't "life". Nothing about my life is living. Everything is fucking awful.

    I'm in hell.
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    wow I'm so sorry about that...there's nothing that brings you a bit of happiness, like a bath or a tv show or books???
  3. blackbirdfly

    blackbirdfly Well-Known Member

    I try to take baths -- just feel uncomfortable and it's always too hot/cold. I don't watch tv -- I don't like the popular world. Books -- can't ever focus long enough to read them. I just mope. Mope. mope. I always try to motivate myself to do something, but every time I start I just lose all energy and hope.
  4. RenoBill

    RenoBill Active Member

    Sorry to hear you're in such pain. I understand, in many ways I'm feeling the same way. I don't believe in "heaven" and "hell". Many of us are alredy in what can be called "hell". Hope you can find something to feel better.
  5. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I don't like popular stuff either. But I watch a lot of horror movies and tv shows that really hook me. Most tv shows I don't watch...I know what you mean about trying to be honest, I had to force myself at first, even my mother forced me to go out and then eventually I ended up wanting to go out....

    I take baths too, I put on music in the bathroom, korean songs I like, and I put like salt tablets in the bath to make it smell nice...then I test it to see if it's hot or cold...eventually I go in and then I like to submerge my head under for a while...not sure why...

    I also like to swing in the adult swing (well it's sort of has a platform with table), not like the kids ones...

    maybe you can draw? or write? doesn't have to make sense, just paint or draw whatever...when the mind is occupied, you're not thinking negative...
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