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this is how I feel *language, trigger*

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Sa Palomera

Well-Known Member
#1
Riverside could be making songs about my life :o

The Curtain Falls
I know what I'm really like...
I'm bleeding...
I don't mind...

That was very foolish of me
I can do nothing now

Light shines in the darkness
I don't wanna go
Wish I could turn back time
Oh my Guardian Angel
Take me away from here
I think I'm ready now
But still can't make up my mind

Memories of yesterday
Hopes left behind
I have to fade away now
There's no other way out

The curtain falls...



Out Of Myself
I don't feel quite myself
I think I'm losing heart
I'm sick and tired of all those words
Voices in my head
I think I have become
Another suffering of my soul

You ask me how I'm feeling
Looking in my eyes
Hearing only what you want to hear
I'm holding my breath
Holding my time
I wish you knew how I was hurt

I'm really scared of getting lost in real life
So please stop asking me for more
Let me get this straight
Let me get this right
I need a place to be alone

I need a place to be
I need a breath to take
Don't wanna scream with my mouth shut
It leads us nowhere
Stop looking at me like that
This is not what I had in mind

I'm really scared of getting lost in real life
So please stop asking me for more
Let me get this straight
Let me get this right
I need a place to be alone

Let me get this straight
Let me get this right

Let me go
You've just helped to get me out of myself



Loose Heart
Raise me up
Don't let me fall
Cause I don't get myself
I feel like I felt before
But can't find my way

All those feelings went away
I may not be what you think I am
Think we ought to find ourselves
Think we ought to find ourselves
Again...

Raise me up
Don't let me fall
Cause it's getting so hard
I feel like I felt before
Maybe I only try?

All those feelings went away
I may not be what you think I am
Think we ought to find ourselves
Think we ought to find ourselves again
All those questions never asked
All those days are coming back to me now
Dreams that can't be realised
All those nights are coming back to me now
And I know there're coming back to you

Raise me up
Raise me up, don't let me fall



Believe
I learn to understand
Getting harder to pretend is ok with me

In this moment I believe
And I want it so much
In spite of everything

You make me so real
I don't have to shut myself in this cage of me
I see what I haven't seen
I wanna share my place to hide
My place to feel
With You

In this moment I believe
And I want it so much
In spite of everything

I learn to understand
If only I was worth waiting for...



In Two Minds
Another day of talking
And I'm in two minds
I think I have to tell you
I finally realised
I know you'll never really get inside of me
But I don't mean to hurt you
Just let me disappear

We used to like it
Used to be
In the sunset time of our dream
For all these things we cannot change
We cannot be
We cannot stay

But if you lose your faith
Know that I am still your friend
And if the sky falls down
Know that I will still support you.



OK
Need to stay right here
I don't care if there is a better place
I must try it myself
Again
My broken sleep will never be the same
I'm only hanging on
And waiting for another night

There's sadness in my mind - ok
There's darkness in my mind - ok

What has come over me?
Can't believe, but your tears leave me cold
I'm walking through the dark
Again
And I am not afraid to be alone
Anymore

There's sadness in my mind - ok
There's darkness in my mind - ok
Thoughts echoing in my mind - ok
Everything is gonna be...



this is all from the Out Of Myself album
 
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Sa Palomera

Well-Known Member
#2
Re: this is how I feel

so that's how I feel and I'm so sorry that I'm not myself towards all of you
it's for your own fucking protection that I'm doing this
I hope y'all understand.

All I do is cause hurt
Z..
A..
V..
M..
O..
K..
...
all people I'm hurting so much with being me.
I can't do it no more. Not like that.
 
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Sa Palomera

Well-Known Member
#3
Re: this is how I feel

and yeah I've been doing such great things. and you know what I couldnt care less. Wanna know what kind of bitch/slut/pathetic person I am? huh? huh?

well

Wednesday night I made out with my new housemate and ended up in his bed.
Thursday night my friend came over and I ended up sleeping in one bed in his arms, him wearing nothing but boxers and me wearing nothing but my thong.
Friday morning i had his fucking finger in me
this evening (friday still) I ended up in the whirlpool having sex with my negro housemate.. but the whirlpool wasn't comfortable so we'll have to do a raincheck on that one, in a bed soon.
and yeh my negro housemate has a girlfriend.
Can you believe it, i did it unprotected. and I haven't had my pill in ages.
yeh who cares. there's no point in caring about it anyway.

yeah let's get another hashcookie and some rum or pina colada or vodka, or beer.
heck why not all mixed through one another.
yeah. Enough male housemates who are more than willing to 'have some fun' with me.

I said no to my new housemate, he kept trying until I acted as if I was asleep
I didn't say no to my friend.
I didn't say no to my negro housemate.
I wouldn't say no to anyone at this point. Cos WHO CARES!? I SURE AS HELL don't. Not anymore.

It's too late to care
I don't give a flying fuck that I'm reckless
I don't give a flying fuck that I'm alcoholic
I don't give a flying fuck that I'm a stoner
I don't give a flying fuck that I'm a slut
I don't give a flying fuck that I'm a murderer
I don't give a flying fuck that I'm a cheater
I don't give a flying fuck that I'm hurting some guys' feelings
I don't give a flying fuck if I'd die.
 
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Sa Palomera

Well-Known Member
#5
Re: this is how I feel

Follow my name
Follow my sin
Wearing my mask
Cover my fear
All of my blame
All in my place
Wearing my mask
Cover my shame

We're so far from understand
We're so far from "we can take"

Riverside - Dna Ts. Rednum Or F. Raf

side note. Try reading this Song Title backwards ^


I can’t take anymore
I can’t breathe
I’m sick of this goddamn darkness,
Sick of sadness and tears I throw it all up every single day
Together with last night’s dinner
I have lost myself completely
I have convinced myself I am someone else
For God’s sake,
I need to be real
I need touch
I need... people?
I have to turn my life around...
But... I will still be myself, won’t I...?

Riverside - After


I’ve been watching you
Not waiting for the right moment to make the first move
Do you want to know
Why I keep avoiding your eyes
And why I’m running away?
It’s crazy, I know
I’ve been conceiving you for too long
Or maybe I’m destined to be alone?
Or maybe there’s someone who will understand
That I’m not able to share my world?
I’m still running away
It’s crazy, I know
I’ve been conceiving you for too long
If only I could change all things around
Still conceiving you all along...
I’ve been conceiving you for too long
If only I could change all things around
I’ve been conceiving you for too long
I’ve grown used to that
Still conceiving you all along...

Riverside - Conceiving You


Pull myself together – holding on
Standing at the point of no return
Keeping on the right side of my heart
And the moment of truth is falling on me now
I don’t care if what I want
Is written in my eyes
You can think of me what you feel
I don’t really mind
How about laughing at my habits
At my needs
I’m afraid I’ll stay unmoved
Know I have to be
Before you come and tell me who I am
Before you try to make me someone else
Step out of your line, out of line
Step out of your line
I don’t care if what I want
Is written in my eyes
You can think of me what you feel
I don’t really mind
How about spitting venom in my face again
I’m afraid I’ll stay unmoved
You just waste your breath
Before you come and tell me who I am
Before you try to make me someone else
Step out of your line
Step out of line
Shall we dance my friend?
Join in the shadow dance
Join in the shadow dance
Join in the shadow dance
Join in the shadow dance
I’m standing on the edge, about to fall
In the middle of the point of no return
Trying to forget those days I failed to act
I’m not going to back out
I’ve come too far
I can almost see the light
Feel its warmth
And touch the moment I was waiting for so long
I carried all before me
Now the die is cast
With open arms I’m standing out against my past

Riverside - Dance With The Shadow


fuck that. fuck me. screw me. hurt me. this can't grow worse
 
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gentlelady

Staff Alumni
#6
Re: this is how I feel

ishtar, no matter what the circumstances are, i still care about you and what happens to you. i am sorry you are feeling like you are. Wish I had the power to change things, but I don't. All I have are words on a page. Take care of yourself est. You are a beautiful young woman. :hug:
 
#7
Re: this is how I feel

who cares??????? i fucking care!!! how many times do i have to say it before you believe it!?!?

Why keep doign things that you know hurt you? why do you feel the need to please people in ways that hurt you. If you said no you do realise that its rape???

I wish you could see, i really wish

ps. this aint for our protection, believe me. its not helping
 
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Sa Palomera

Well-Known Member
#8
A Perfect Circle - Over
been over, been over this before
been over and over
been over this before
And over,
been over this before
so over this.
Been over this.
So over this.
Been over this.
Over this before



A Perfect Circle - Weak And Powerless
Tilling my own grave to keep me level
Jam another dragon down the hole
Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren
One that pushes me along and leaves me so

Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you

Someone feed the monkey while I dig in search of China
White as Dracula as I approach the bottom

Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you

Little angel go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
He promised I would find a little solace
And some piece of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so

Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you
Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless
over you



you know what. fuck it. my negro housemate is still up. I'm sure he wouldnt mind giving me a massage. it'll calm me down. or at least relax my body.
who cares. not me. and I'm me, so as long as I dont care it's okay

and oh yeah sure. apparently my new housemate, the one from wednesday, wants to fuck me again. wants to be in a relationship with me. I know the guy for like what, a week? wednesday was the first and only time we had a ffucking proper conversation and all. and now he even talked to his fucking grandma about me?? after ONE NIGHT??
oh sure why not. I can date him. I know what the consequences will be if I'd cheat on him then. Perfect solution to everything.
yeh guess that's what Ima do. perfect solution. just date him and then cheat on him, knowing what the consequences will be. Perfect solution to EVERYTHING.

and yeah I know I'm a bitch. Don't care. No point in caring anymore. think what you like. I don't give a flying fuck
 
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#9
How is that a perfect solution?? WHY keep doing this! how many times have you told me this hurts you? and yet you still keep doing it. WHY!?!?

Do you not realise that you 'pleasing' guys when we know you dont want it to happen hurts people? do you not see how much its hurting people? look around
 

Sa Palomera

Well-Known Member
#12
as long as I myself am aware of the consequences of that action. that's most important.


ad yeh Im back
housemate was "tired". yeh sure. he always tells me how I make him horny and then he backs off. whatever. couldnt care less, right

and who says it's hurting me to fuck em all. If it'd hurt me I wouldnt do it, right? cos that's what I tell the few guys that ARE gentle and ask if I'm sure this is what I want. "yeah sure, otherwise I wouldnt be doing this, right?"
 
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#14
as long as I myself am aware of the consequences of that action. that's most important.
Thats not important. People are worrying about you. VERY worried. Its hurting alot of people alot more than your aware of. You think that all this is protecting us? its not. Its not making anyone feel better, quite clearly that includes you aswell.
 

Sa Palomera

Well-Known Member
#15
well fine.

I'm sorry I was just in a little state, I'm doing fine now. Am going to doctors soon. thinking of that has already made me feel way better. :)

don't worry, I might not be posting for a while as I'm working on myself.


there ya go.
y'all happy now?
 

Sa Palomera

Well-Known Member
#17
ok my apologies to everyone who's read this and got worried about me. I was in a state and didn't know what I was saying or doing. My sincere apologies for that.

The people that are mad at me for causing what I caused with as well this thread as my behaviour in general have all the right to be mad at me and I'll be willing to take every comment on me.

I was wrong, very wrong in my behaviour and I apologize once again.
 
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