this is how I feel *language, trigger*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Feb 9, 2007.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Riverside could be making songs about my life :eek:

    The Curtain Falls
    I know what I'm really like...
    I'm bleeding...
    I don't mind...

    That was very foolish of me
    I can do nothing now

    Light shines in the darkness
    I don't wanna go
    Wish I could turn back time
    Oh my Guardian Angel
    Take me away from here
    I think I'm ready now
    But still can't make up my mind

    Memories of yesterday
    Hopes left behind
    I have to fade away now
    There's no other way out

    The curtain falls...



    Out Of Myself
    I don't feel quite myself
    I think I'm losing heart
    I'm sick and tired of all those words
    Voices in my head
    I think I have become
    Another suffering of my soul

    You ask me how I'm feeling
    Looking in my eyes
    Hearing only what you want to hear
    I'm holding my breath
    Holding my time
    I wish you knew how I was hurt

    I'm really scared of getting lost in real life
    So please stop asking me for more
    Let me get this straight
    Let me get this right
    I need a place to be alone

    I need a place to be
    I need a breath to take
    Don't wanna scream with my mouth shut
    It leads us nowhere
    Stop looking at me like that
    This is not what I had in mind

    I'm really scared of getting lost in real life
    So please stop asking me for more
    Let me get this straight
    Let me get this right
    I need a place to be alone

    Let me get this straight
    Let me get this right

    Let me go
    You've just helped to get me out of myself



    Loose Heart
    Raise me up
    Don't let me fall
    Cause I don't get myself
    I feel like I felt before
    But can't find my way

    All those feelings went away
    I may not be what you think I am
    Think we ought to find ourselves
    Think we ought to find ourselves
    Again...

    Raise me up
    Don't let me fall
    Cause it's getting so hard
    I feel like I felt before
    Maybe I only try?

    All those feelings went away
    I may not be what you think I am
    Think we ought to find ourselves
    Think we ought to find ourselves again
    All those questions never asked
    All those days are coming back to me now
    Dreams that can't be realised
    All those nights are coming back to me now
    And I know there're coming back to you

    Raise me up
    Raise me up, don't let me fall



    Believe
    I learn to understand
    Getting harder to pretend is ok with me

    In this moment I believe
    And I want it so much
    In spite of everything

    You make me so real
    I don't have to shut myself in this cage of me
    I see what I haven't seen
    I wanna share my place to hide
    My place to feel
    With You

    In this moment I believe
    And I want it so much
    In spite of everything

    I learn to understand
    If only I was worth waiting for...



    In Two Minds
    Another day of talking
    And I'm in two minds
    I think I have to tell you
    I finally realised
    I know you'll never really get inside of me
    But I don't mean to hurt you
    Just let me disappear

    We used to like it
    Used to be
    In the sunset time of our dream
    For all these things we cannot change
    We cannot be
    We cannot stay

    But if you lose your faith
    Know that I am still your friend
    And if the sky falls down
    Know that I will still support you.



    OK
    Need to stay right here
    I don't care if there is a better place
    I must try it myself
    Again
    My broken sleep will never be the same
    I'm only hanging on
    And waiting for another night

    There's sadness in my mind - ok
    There's darkness in my mind - ok

    What has come over me?
    Can't believe, but your tears leave me cold
    I'm walking through the dark
    Again
    And I am not afraid to be alone
    Anymore

    There's sadness in my mind - ok
    There's darkness in my mind - ok
    Thoughts echoing in my mind - ok
    Everything is gonna be...



    this is all from the Out Of Myself album
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2007
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Re: this is how I feel

    so that's how I feel and I'm so sorry that I'm not myself towards all of you
    it's for your own fucking protection that I'm doing this
    I hope y'all understand.

    All I do is cause hurt
    Z..
    A..
    V..
    M..
    O..
    K..
    ...
    all people I'm hurting so much with being me.
    I can't do it no more. Not like that.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2007
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Re: this is how I feel

    and yeah I've been doing such great things. and you know what I couldnt care less. Wanna know what kind of bitch/slut/pathetic person I am? huh? huh?

    well

    Wednesday night I made out with my new housemate and ended up in his bed.
    Thursday night my friend came over and I ended up sleeping in one bed in his arms, him wearing nothing but boxers and me wearing nothing but my thong.
    Friday morning i had his fucking finger in me
    this evening (friday still) I ended up in the whirlpool having sex with my negro housemate.. but the whirlpool wasn't comfortable so we'll have to do a raincheck on that one, in a bed soon.
    and yeh my negro housemate has a girlfriend.
    Can you believe it, i did it unprotected. and I haven't had my pill in ages.
    yeh who cares. there's no point in caring about it anyway.

    yeah let's get another hashcookie and some rum or pina colada or vodka, or beer.
    heck why not all mixed through one another.
    yeah. Enough male housemates who are more than willing to 'have some fun' with me.

    I said no to my new housemate, he kept trying until I acted as if I was asleep
    I didn't say no to my friend.
    I didn't say no to my negro housemate.
    I wouldn't say no to anyone at this point. Cos WHO CARES!? I SURE AS HELL don't. Not anymore.

    It's too late to care
    I don't give a flying fuck that I'm reckless
    I don't give a flying fuck that I'm alcoholic
    I don't give a flying fuck that I'm a stoner
    I don't give a flying fuck that I'm a slut
    I don't give a flying fuck that I'm a murderer
    I don't give a flying fuck that I'm a cheater
    I don't give a flying fuck that I'm hurting some guys' feelings
    I don't give a flying fuck if I'd die.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2007
  4. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Re: this is how I feel

    est i want to thank you for introducing me to beautiful music. i just downloaded a shit load.
     
  5. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Re: this is how I feel

    Follow my name
    Follow my sin
    Wearing my mask
    Cover my fear
    All of my blame
    All in my place
    Wearing my mask
    Cover my shame

    We're so far from understand
    We're so far from "we can take"

    Riverside - Dna Ts. Rednum Or F. Raf

    side note. Try reading this Song Title backwards ^


    I can’t take anymore
    I can’t breathe
    I’m sick of this goddamn darkness,
    Sick of sadness and tears I throw it all up every single day
    Together with last night’s dinner
    I have lost myself completely
    I have convinced myself I am someone else
    For God’s sake,
    I need to be real
    I need touch
    I need... people?
    I have to turn my life around...
    But... I will still be myself, won’t I...?

    Riverside - After


    I’ve been watching you
    Not waiting for the right moment to make the first move
    Do you want to know
    Why I keep avoiding your eyes
    And why I’m running away?
    It’s crazy, I know
    I’ve been conceiving you for too long
    Or maybe I’m destined to be alone?
    Or maybe there’s someone who will understand
    That I’m not able to share my world?
    I’m still running away
    It’s crazy, I know
    I’ve been conceiving you for too long
    If only I could change all things around
    Still conceiving you all along...
    I’ve been conceiving you for too long
    If only I could change all things around
    I’ve been conceiving you for too long
    I’ve grown used to that
    Still conceiving you all along...

    Riverside - Conceiving You


    Pull myself together – holding on
    Standing at the point of no return
    Keeping on the right side of my heart
    And the moment of truth is falling on me now
    I don’t care if what I want
    Is written in my eyes
    You can think of me what you feel
    I don’t really mind
    How about laughing at my habits
    At my needs
    I’m afraid I’ll stay unmoved
    Know I have to be
    Before you come and tell me who I am
    Before you try to make me someone else
    Step out of your line, out of line
    Step out of your line
    I don’t care if what I want
    Is written in my eyes
    You can think of me what you feel
    I don’t really mind
    How about spitting venom in my face again
    I’m afraid I’ll stay unmoved
    You just waste your breath
    Before you come and tell me who I am
    Before you try to make me someone else
    Step out of your line
    Step out of line
    Shall we dance my friend?
    Join in the shadow dance
    Join in the shadow dance
    Join in the shadow dance
    Join in the shadow dance
    I’m standing on the edge, about to fall
    In the middle of the point of no return
    Trying to forget those days I failed to act
    I’m not going to back out
    I’ve come too far
    I can almost see the light
    Feel its warmth
    And touch the moment I was waiting for so long
    I carried all before me
    Now the die is cast
    With open arms I’m standing out against my past

    Riverside - Dance With The Shadow


    fuck that. fuck me. screw me. hurt me. this can't grow worse
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2007
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Re: this is how I feel

    ishtar, no matter what the circumstances are, i still care about you and what happens to you. i am sorry you are feeling like you are. Wish I had the power to change things, but I don't. All I have are words on a page. Take care of yourself est. You are a beautiful young woman. :hug:
     
  7. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Re: this is how I feel

    who cares??????? i fucking care!!! how many times do i have to say it before you believe it!?!?

    Why keep doign things that you know hurt you? why do you feel the need to please people in ways that hurt you. If you said no you do realise that its rape???

    I wish you could see, i really wish

    ps. this aint for our protection, believe me. its not helping
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2007
  8. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    A Perfect Circle - Over
    been over, been over this before
    been over and over
    been over this before
    And over,
    been over this before
    so over this.
    Been over this.
    So over this.
    Been over this.
    Over this before



    A Perfect Circle - Weak And Powerless
    Tilling my own grave to keep me level
    Jam another dragon down the hole
    Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren
    One that pushes me along and leaves me so

    Desperate and Ravenous
    I'm so weak and powerless over you

    Someone feed the monkey while I dig in search of China
    White as Dracula as I approach the bottom

    Desperate and Ravenous
    I'm so weak and powerless over you

    Little angel go away
    Come again some other day
    The devil has my ear today
    I'll never hear a word you say
    He promised I would find a little solace
    And some piece of mind
    Whatever just as long as I don't feel so

    Desperate and Ravenous
    I'm so weak and powerless over you
    Desperate and Ravenous
    I'm so weak and powerless
    over you



    you know what. fuck it. my negro housemate is still up. I'm sure he wouldnt mind giving me a massage. it'll calm me down. or at least relax my body.
    who cares. not me. and I'm me, so as long as I dont care it's okay

    and oh yeah sure. apparently my new housemate, the one from wednesday, wants to fuck me again. wants to be in a relationship with me. I know the guy for like what, a week? wednesday was the first and only time we had a ffucking proper conversation and all. and now he even talked to his fucking grandma about me?? after ONE NIGHT??
    oh sure why not. I can date him. I know what the consequences will be if I'd cheat on him then. Perfect solution to everything.
    yeh guess that's what Ima do. perfect solution. just date him and then cheat on him, knowing what the consequences will be. Perfect solution to EVERYTHING.

    and yeah I know I'm a bitch. Don't care. No point in caring anymore. think what you like. I don't give a flying fuck
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2007
  9. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    How is that a perfect solution?? WHY keep doing this! how many times have you told me this hurts you? and yet you still keep doing it. WHY!?!?

    Do you not realise that you 'pleasing' guys when we know you dont want it to happen hurts people? do you not see how much its hurting people? look around
     
  10. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    How that's the perfect solution. edit: cant say it here.

    I'm off to get me a massage now.
    byebyes
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2007
  11. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Then PM it or message it on skype. I would like to know what your 'perfect' solution is to everything
     
  12. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    as long as I myself am aware of the consequences of that action. that's most important.


    ad yeh Im back
    housemate was "tired". yeh sure. he always tells me how I make him horny and then he backs off. whatever. couldnt care less, right

    and who says it's hurting me to fuck em all. If it'd hurt me I wouldnt do it, right? cos that's what I tell the few guys that ARE gentle and ask if I'm sure this is what I want. "yeah sure, otherwise I wouldnt be doing this, right?"
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2007
  13. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    :eek:hmy:


    I hope things get better soon.



    xxxx
     
  14. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Thats not important. People are worrying about you. VERY worried. Its hurting alot of people alot more than your aware of. You think that all this is protecting us? its not. Its not making anyone feel better, quite clearly that includes you aswell.
     
  15. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    well fine.

    I'm sorry I was just in a little state, I'm doing fine now. Am going to doctors soon. thinking of that has already made me feel way better. :)

    don't worry, I might not be posting for a while as I'm working on myself.


    there ya go.
    y'all happy now?
     
  16. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    No cos i know that aint true. Remember i do know you alot better than you think.
     
  17. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    ok my apologies to everyone who's read this and got worried about me. I was in a state and didn't know what I was saying or doing. My sincere apologies for that.

    The people that are mad at me for causing what I caused with as well this thread as my behaviour in general have all the right to be mad at me and I'll be willing to take every comment on me.

    I was wrong, very wrong in my behaviour and I apologize once again.
     
  18. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

    If you stick to what you said then i will, remember monday :wink:

    Viks x