This is how I feel...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by spininski, Apr 26, 2011.

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  1. spininski

    spininski New Member

    So where do I start? Well... I was brought up with a small nuclear family as a boy (born 1988) to a single mother and as a single child with an aunty, uncle 3 girl cousins (all 4 years and more older) whom I grew up to feel the most close to out of all my family, they however moved to South Africa when I was 12ish and was convinced to dislike them for their happiness by my mum and nan. A nan and a husband of a nan. Hes not my grandad but my nan's 2nd husband, my mum always brought me up to be repulsed by him with various trivial stories of times where hes made her uncomfortable but when pressed or even questioned slightly its obvious there is a deeper more traumatic memory in there somewhere. As a troublesome child (not nasty, just naughty) I was pushed from school to school before I ended up at Coln House School (UK) where I was taught from the level of a sensitive (most likely effeminate) 9 year old boy with 12-16 year old hardened bastards that were there purely because there was no local borstal! I THINK it was there that I lost my faith in human kindness but I dunno. Anyway I was a real good boy, went through a scheme, got my self a place in a normal comprehensive (UK talk, in US talk, a normal 'high school') while there, although with a shakey start and a struggle with a high sports objective and an obesity problem I was still all good. Anyway everythings pretty normal for a few years except I secretly kinda had a problem with alcohol and weed, (couldnt sleep without some form of help) I did OK!! Until I left school, had a job I was quite unsad in. By then it was more than 12 months after leaving school, all my friends that had been on gap years were at university in other cities. Thats when Kirsty came along, she was a girl that no matter how a guy would comment on her looks wise, she looked, walked and talked like someone you had to be a certain type of cool to be liked by. Anyway, time passed and I got to know her. Then as fate made it happen we were bought together as friends by her having a falling out with her closest friends. To this day I consider her one of my closest friends. From that time on we used to go out alot, on the pull, together. She is the only person I feel I can be honest with about my narcissistic thoughts. When I was 21 and kirsty had just moved down the country to portsmouth I think things started to deteriorate in my head.

    When I went out I would get entirely wasted on happy drugs like ecstasy as well as drinking. I think it was time without her I started to recognise/self-diagnose my loneliness. I tried my best to maintain my life style though, getting coked up, going out, being a party animal -ENJOYING MY TINY DOT OF TIME ON THIS PLANET RATHER THAN DOING WHAT I'M TOLD OR WHAT I'M TOLD IS GOOD FOR ME. Then after the loneliness set in I stopped considering. Carried on thinking but stopped considering. Had a huge fall out with my Mum, her and her moronic husband (everything I'm not, Thatcherite, ex-army, fought in the faulklands (and ISN'T ashamed!!)) etc. There I was being chucked out by the only place I was secure in so naturally I fought. Grant (Mum's husband) called the Police who basically said go away (we don't care where) or you'll be arrested. So I did. I went to the pub, got drunk, went home two hours later, didn't have my keys so climbed over the side gate, went in the back door and went straight into my room and straight into bed. Ten minutes later I'm awoken by police dragging me out of my bed. Grant had called the police, breaking and entering my arse! If my bank says I live there then I live there!! Dont the pigs no banks rule the world these days?! Anyway so I have no choice but to go live with my girl friend michelle. One month on I developed a heroin dependency which I was clean of less than 6 months later but was taking subsequent prescription drugs for until March 2011. That was in 2009 (Jul) since I have been here in a relationship with a 32yr old (I'm 22) I want to be playing the field. Enjoying my work and spending time with my friends. Instead I feel empty lost and lonely in a relationship where every job I get and thats just two between 12/2009 and 03/2011 I have lost. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?! I am smart, well spoken, intelligent and fucking passionate!! I feel like the thing I wanna do most is work as a non-religious missionary in a Spanish speaking 3rd world country (as I speak spanish) would would involve leaving Michelle and shes done (as she constantly reminds me) far TOO MUCH for me, at least too much for me too be able to leave this land and be happy. I really don't wanna go back into the retail industry and get screwed around again.

    I just was to be happy. But it seems that everything that touches me goes sour. Was raped in august 2008 but dont have an awful lot of conscious memory of it. Im just dont with this 'Matrix' style prison of slavery and money lust we are born into. Why shouldnt I steal from the rich?! dont they spend their lives creating a society where poor are controlled and rich control?! Is this not country not a 5* hotel version of Bergen-Belsen or Auschwitz?!

    I'm fed up and at the end of my tether. My mind is at a turning point at the moment. I got 3 options, 1. death, 2. making an ambitious plan, being a psycho, stealing a large amount of money from somewhere, running away never to return, 3. being part of everything i hate, picking my head up, getting another 9-to-5, shutting up and getting on with it. What do I do because a nice quiet quick and painless way out of with tiny prison we call a 'huge planet' is all I really want right now.

    Sorry to ramble on.

    Love Christian xxx
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i think what you do is get some therapy for you okay get some help to heal inside things can change for the better Keep posting here as well okay let the pain and sadness out hugs
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    4. become a non religious missionary in a spanish speaking country

    if your relationship is over, it's over. full stop. sounds like you both know it. just because she helped you through some rough times does not mean you've signed up for life.

    follow your dreams. i have a friend doing just what you want to do. he volunteers here and there through latin america and south america. last i heard he was in peru. if you want i can try and track him down and find out how we gets volunteer gigs. (maybe there's a website he uses to plan his volunteer trips). i dunno.

    you only have one shot at life. go for it.
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