This is how it goes

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by knitwitch, Sep 23, 2010.

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  1. knitwitch

    knitwitch New Member

    so wrote Neil Labute and I return to those words over and over.
    I had my first serious bout of depression at fourteen and have suffered on and off for most of my life. I'm no kid as I will be forty-eight in a few weeks time.
    I have been looking for a site like this for some time - never really thought but had hoped such a thing would exist, though I'm not sure if anyone can help any more.
    My whole life has been unstable and chaotic. The eldest of three girls, I was blamed for everything by my Jehovah's witness parents all through my childhood.
    Went off the rails, ran away from home at 16 and lived rough for a year. Came home pregnant. By 19 I was married with two children, divorced with three children by 24.
    Since then I seem to have rocked from pillar to post and from one disastrous relationship to the next.
    Now, I finally realise I have reached the end of the line -everything stops here.
    A few months ago a long term relationship ended. I moved out and into a flat (apartment) on my own. I have never lived on my own and I just can't cope.
    I thought it was what I wanted. Be careful what you wish for. I hate it. the loneliness eats into me -it is so painful it is physical.
    My parents live twenty minutes away but refuse to talk to me in fact they have disowned me as they say they just want to wash their hands of me.
    My children are now scattered all over the UK and abroad, I have not really seen any of them for five or six years.
    I have a lover and we adore each other -needless to say he is married, bet you guessed that - right? You really didn't expect me to be in a normal relationship did you? Don't ask me to give him up though I know I should and I know I will have to one day, but not yet, he is all that is keeping me going (alive?)just now.
    That said, I feel that the time has come to bow out - for all the reasons that have probably been stated on here a million times before. I feel as though I am adding to people's problems not helping them.
    I do not currently have a job owing to the state of my mental health. I went to my GP today, he was very dismissive.
    I have never felt so low in all my life
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Knitwitch and express yourself so very well...are there any writing/editing jobs you can get at home? Is there any work, or preparation you can do online? Since you are alone and have time, why not study something and improve your experience/credentials while at home? that way you know you have something scheduled to do. Welcome again, and please continue to tell us what is going on for you...big hugs, J
  3. knitwitch

    knitwitch New Member

    Hello sadeyes
    thank you for your kind reply. Have worked in journalism and media for many years but became disillusioned with it (though it took a while) and the constant deadlines and high pressure took a severe toll on my health.
    Have written poetry and fiction for many years, been published and won a few prizes too. Have a poetry collection coming out next July - if -and it is a big if - I ever make it that far. (nothing appeals any more). Some how I can't see it.
    Thank you for your kind words and ideas.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    YVW...continue to let us know what is going on for you..all the best, J
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your a poet how lovely it would be nice you continue to write just for your own enjoyment with not deadlines to speak of. My heart goes out to you i wish you and hope you perhaps could get some kind of help dealing with all your losses It must be so painful for you. I look forward to perhaps reading some of your poetry someday I love poetry take care.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi knitwitch....I'm sorry you are alone and lonely...I know that very well....
    Have you considered maybe volunteer work? groups that include your hobbies...
    something like Tai chi, etc..exercise class..walking groups..visit the library....anything that will get you out to be with others ...
    we have a Community Health Centre here that you can do those things cheaply..maybe you can where you are too..
    I've done self esteem classes which also might help you..
    I look forward to reading your poetry too...
    keep reaching out here..this forum has been my saviour
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