This is it, I'm setting a date.

It's becoming too much. Right now I'm on Valium just to get through the day. I don't know for how long I can do that anymore.

I need to set a date soon as possible. I need to plan where, how, when and write some letters to my family. I'm already withdrawn from my friends so it doesn't matter to try to say goodbye to them. I haven't been on school for over 2 weeks, I'm going today so I'll have to face them but I hope this is the last time. I can't bear to look at their judgmental faces and handle all the why are you never at school/you are not going to pass phrases they repeat to me a billion times. I KNOW! Just stop shoving it in my face. I know what my past, present and future is. Stop telling what I already know.

The letters are by the way to my sister and brother. I'm suppose to be their role model and need to tell them not to end up like me. I'm already dead to my parents when they find out I didn't pass highschool. My mom said she would kick me out if that happened. Well it did! But don't worry mom I'll get rid of myself before you get your chance to kick me out.

I hope my brother and sister will remember the good things about me and avoid the mistakes I've made. At the same time, I hope they'll forget me fast because I hated to have existed and don't want this to affect them too much.

 

Please don't do this.

You have so much to offer the world, even if you don't think so.

Don't give up now. Your family loves you even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes.

This too shall pass. Wouldn't you rather ride it out and see what happens overall than just give up?

I KNOW it can be UNBEARABLE sometimes. But give yourself credit. You have made it this far.

Message me, we can talk. You are never a-l-o-n-e.

Please don't end your life

 

Please don't you are much to young you still have a lot of hope left. I ran out of hope a long time ago but you still have a chance don't throw everything away because of the crappy people in this world. You still have a chance you are young don't give up.

 

This post is so sad..when I was much younger, I almost failed out of college...I did all the things one should not do and it was not a surprise that my grades reflected that...my parents were not understanding or kind, and my life was a mess...fast forward today, and I finished many degrees...please look past right now and know things can change...many very successful ppl failed many times before their success...please PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs, J

 

Hi ..im sorry you are so distressed. Firstly i wouldnt be sure that your mom will follow through on those threats...im a mom and sometimes i say things i dont mean to kind of provide a motivation for doing things (im not condoneing her saying you would get kicked out at all because thats not right) but maybe she said it to make you work harder at school. I feel like you are maybe thinking that you cant handle her response when she finds out and thats a part of why you feel the need to set a date. If she knew what you were thinking im pretty sure she would backtrack in a split second ! i know i would !! Also your brother and sister will never ever get over that....they will take that sadness with them forever like a black cloud ! please really think again there is so much life left for you yet. If you need someone to talk to we are all here for you xxxxx

 

I agree. I was on Xanax for over half a year and it started making me feel a lot worse (more depressed) after several months. I started to feel better when I got off it.

I'm not saying you should quit taking Valium, but maybe talk to your doctor about it and see if he thinks the dosage should be decreased. How much Valium are you taking a day?

 

I don't take that much because it makes sleepy. Maybe 5 mg every other day or something. Last night I was coughing a lot and drank a glass full of ethylmorphine. I had also taken some valium on top of it. My head started aching, I couldn't sleep and my legs felt like jello. My mother noticed something was off with me so I didn't take anything today. My family is actually completeley unaware of my depression and the fact that I'm sometimes on valium. I rather keep it that way for now.

Funny thing how I joined this forum in March 2007. I was 15 years old back then and 4 years later I'm still the same, just on medication now. I wonder sometimes why my 15 year old self joined this forum and then I think about the fact that I was at my loneliest from 13-16 and I probably wanted someone to talk to. This was also in the middle of my parents divorce, we had moved for the third time in the row and I had to change school every year. Back then I was friendless and always in my own thoughts. I easily became obsessed with movies/actors to keep myself distracted from real life. It isn't as easy anymore. I have friends now and they are sometimes my distraction but I'm never myself with them. I always put up a fake smile and happy attitude around them. I tried once to talk to one of them about being suicidal, guess how that went? =( Back when I was 15, I also tried talking to my parents but they thought I was exxagerating. My teachers however understood somehing was off with me since I was always so disconnected and sent me to the school counsler.

Talking with her made me think about the reason why I was suicidal in the first place. I tried thinking back as far as I could and started remembering some pretty odd stuff. When I was 4/5 years old I had been touched in a sexual manner by my 20 year old cousin. He used to take me to a seperate room and fondle and kiss me. He used to tell me to open my mouth so he could french kiss me. I remember refusing because the thought of doing that was just disgusting. I can still remember this as clear as day today. I told my mom of course and she said the same things have happened to her when she was little. That's it.

During the divorce I became closer to my father. I was always worried about him because he had threatened with taking his own life more than once. (Is this where I got the idea from?) While I tried taking care of him, he was constantly badmouting my mother. He still does that to this day. I was the one to suggest that he should move out after the police was over for the third time. He had hit my mother and I wanted to protect her from him. Me and my siblings kept contact with him and still do despite the fact that he has two new children with his second wife who is 15 years younger than him. Don't get me wrong, I strangely care about my step-mother and half-brother and sister. I sometimes fear for them.

Anyway, since I was the one to suggest the seperation, my father has always blamed me for he divorce. He blamed me so much that I almost started believing it. My mom then stepped in and told me that none of this was my fault. And I then started feeling guilty for having taken my father's side before the divorce. I should have supported her. In a way, my mom and I are closer but there is still something holding us apart. I always looked up to her, she is the strongest person I know. I wish I was as strong as her. Her dream is for me to get into medical school but since I'm failing we all know that's pretty far-fethched. I wont be able to fullfill her dream even if it really isn't my own.

I wish I could go back in time sometimes and tell my 15 or even 9 year old self that the future is exactly what I had predicted. I rarely eat (my mom has to remind me), I'm too lazy to get ut of bed, I don't answer phonecalls, I'm anti-social, I don't go to class, I just sleep with music on all day long or watch movies to keep myself distracted. I'm wasted space that needs to be removed as soon as possible.

 

<Mod edit, WildCherry>

There's isn't much I have control over in life but my death is hopefully an exception.

 

I really suggest that you don't be too hard on yourself. Try as possible much as humanly possibly to be independent of the good or bad opinion of others, I totally get how your family feels about you is important to you.

Everybody fails it's all a part of life, you're in a very bad place but I have faith in you that you can fight out of it. I suggest reading this. Look at J.K. Rowling she said in her own words she was the biggest failure she knew as poor as possible without being homeless, a failed marriage, a single mother, etc. Now look how successful she is one of the richest women in the world.

http://www.jonathanfields.com/blog/j-k-rowling-on-failure-and-imagination/

I totally get that having understanding and kindness is important to you especially from your mom and family. It's something we all want and deserve. We also all deserve love and happiness no matter what we have or haven't done try to keep that in mind.

My mom is a very kind and understanding person in lot's of ways however she is also not very understanding at all about many things, like how cruel, evil and vindictive the world can be. Call it too much idealism or naïveté.

I suspect your moms intention of threatening with kicking you out if you don't graduate is in order to motivate you. I don't think she intends for it to make you feel down and depressed. You may want to talk to her about all of the issues you're dealing with and why you aren't able to go to school, she may be more understanding then you'd think. Just be open and honest.

Please forgive yourself, you can go back to school for another year, there is always hope.

I wish I could talk to you mom and do anything possible to help her be more understanding.

A good quote is.

"it's not about how far you fall but how high you bounce"

I hope some or all of what I said is of any benefit to you and that I'm not coming off as too preachy I know that can bug me when my mom does it.

I'm wishing you future happiness. If you want someone to talk to feel free to PM me.

 

Don't end your life! You can retake a year if needed. Pm me if you need to talk.

 

your post actually made me cry please please don't do this as someone who has lived through losing someone I loved and cared about through suicide I can tell you now that your brother and sister will never forget you and they will always feel the pain and the suffering of losing you it is like having your heart and soul ripped out in one swift move please talk to us talk to someone anyone I will never try to take your choice away because at the end of the day its your choice but please belive me it hurts more than you can ever imagine I have attempted 3 times and each time hurt more than the last.

 

Hi hon.
I can relate a lot to your situation, I've been down there in the dark depths of your own mind and it's a dreadful maze of every bad thought you'd ever had. I've gone through the school difficulties (I was literally carried to a counselor by my tutor), the withdrawing from your friends, the not eating, or sleeping or moving or talking. I've been kicked out of the house by my mother, and am now living separately and it's so much easier. I watched a video today on youtube, about people jumping off Golden Gate Bridge, and although I've been in those awful 'I need to set a date' weeks and months, seeing that made me want to save everybody who ever feels that way. You don't deserve to feel this, you don't deserve to be isolated and alone, and upset. But you don't deserve to deny yourself happiness. It is out there, trust me. Think of all the possible things you'll be giving up. The one reason I never went through with my 'dates' is because I'd be leaving behind 3 younger siblings and I couldn't bear the looks on their faces when they found out I'd never be coming back. And although it's been hard, really hard, it's got so much easier. And I see their faces now they're getting older, and I wonder how I could ever leave them.
You are a beautiful soul. You have a beautiful heart. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel the sun on your skin one day and think 'this is my day'. There are people you haven't met yet, who are waiting to love you.
If nothing else, know there's a stranger from The United Kingdom who loves everything you are, were, and can be.
I hope you can look at the world through new eyes and scrap the date. I am the catcher in the rye. I catch people as they start to go over. And you are too young to go over sweetie. And so am I.
I'll help you through this, I promise I will.