I can't do this anymore. I'm so fuckin tired. I'm tired of being who I am, tired of feeling so much hate when all I want is to feel loved. I have the greatest guy in my life, he's fuckin wonderful and I should be happy, but I'm still struggling so much. Tonight is the worst of it, tonight I feel like dying, tonight I want to lock myself in my room and just cut. I want to pop so many fuckin pills and ust give up trying. There's nothing left inside of me, no energy to fight, no will to live, no strength to even begin to try and climb back up aagain from being pushed so far under. Im tired of being the constant one to help people and not once in return have these people offereed up a second of their time. I'm tired of feeling so fuckin' useless, tired of wanting to try so hard for other pepople and not try at all for myself. I can't even begin to explain what the fuck is wrong with me tonight...i feel so fuckin' sick. so fuckin sick and i just don't care...i just wnat to sink beneath the surface and die...just fuckin die. P.S. Terry you dont need to reply b/c you always do. You dont have to waste ur time on me..it's okay.
Hey hun You arent a waste of anyones time and i would feel priviledged if you would let me talk to you.im sorry you feel so bad tonight.i hope in some way it helped at least a little by writing that out.Hoped it helped to release some of it maybe.im also sorry you dont feel safe at all tonight within yourself.Is there anyone you can talk to or anything you can do to distract yourself?i mean im happy to sit here and talk with ou for a bit i fyou like.id be more than happy hun.Do you think that anything has happened today to make today particuarly bad for you or have things jsut been building up and up? [i sometimes find that which is why i ask but i know its different for everyone.] Well done for being brave and sharing.Hugs if wanted.Wish i could do more but am here for you. Take care hun kath
it's crazy you know....absolutely crazy. my mind is racing a mile a minute...i can't focus on one thought they just keep coming. There's so many of them..so many of them it hurts my head, my ears are ringing and I'm begging for it to stop, pleading for all the noise t go away and it won't. All the thoughts are just bombarding me and i can't get them to stop...why won't they fuckin stop?!!! What did I do to deserve this all? ---->Why was I raped?? Why did my very first boyfriend have to force himself upon me and taint me, forever fucking me up? Why couldn't he hear me screaming "no"?! Why couldn't he look into my eyes and see the pain and then in the next second see me go completely numb and empty? You know he said he loved me and I believed him. I truly beleived he loved me. 17 years old adn in love with a rapist...how fucked up is that?! How tainted and screwed up must one soul be to be in love with a rapist?!! Why does God, if he even exist, let people get hurt so much? Why does he let people get to the point of no return where the only option is to die selfishly?!!!! It won't go away...the pain and the memory of that day will never go away. The last image is him smiling and trying to hug me adn telling me he still loved me. I couldn't even look at him, let alone myself anymore. I can't look in the mirror b/c I'm tarnished...I'm ruined. ------>Why does my mother hate me so much?! Why did she beat me down so much that I feel nothing? Why does she care more about her alcohol then she does her 4 kids? For years I tolerated her abuse, verbally, mentally and occasionally physically..but at least then she touched me. I'm too fat for her, I'm not smart enough, I'm a lazy bitch as she would put it, and to this day she will not admit she said any of those things. It's all in my head she says..maybe she's right...about everything. About me being a failure, about me being too fat, about me being nothing. I feel like I'm nothing, I feel empty, after all the years of abuse, after all the days that she screamed at me telling me I was nothing. For God's sake, i was her only daughter and she hated me, she took all her remorse and all her anger out on me. We could have been really good friends, but she chose to destroy me, to fuck me up so bad that I don't even care if pain is inflicted on me. Today she's nothing more than a hateful, vengeful drunk. I see her a dozen times a year if that and all those times I see her I want to spit in her face and tell her what a disgrace seh is to me..btu I can't gain the courage to do that..I am weak. ----->Why am I still here?! Why haven't I killed myself years ago?! I'm ready to die, i feel dead on the inside, i just feel cowardly. Tonight i'm scared, overly frightened that I will take the final step off the mountain and plummet to my death, part of me doesn't care in the least, the other part of me thinks of Josh and how much I'd hurt him and I think of Dylan and how much I'd fuck him up..but sometimes it's not enough....sometimes giving up is the only way to go...Dylan told me tonight he didn't want me as an Aunt and even at 6 years old he killed me with those words. I was already so dark inside and those simple words made me think that why even bother?! ----->I want out of this hell that I am in..I want out of this house. I love my family so much but that love and that loyalty is killing me. Staying here is driving me mad, but i have no where to go until I save up enough money to get out. I want to go to New Zealand and get away from here and be with the one person I know loves me. I hate that God is torturing me by keeping him so far away. My dad doesn't acknowledge how hurt and destroyed I am, my older brother don't eveng et me started on him, Dylan is only 6, he doesn't know better adn my other two brothers i just hide it from..it's easy to do...hiding that is....hiding is the best thing I've ever done..and i should have stayed hidden...instead of becoming a burden here...i should have just hidden and rotted away...like i should be doin....i should rot.....yeah...rot..that's the word im looking for...ROT!
