it's crazy you know....absolutely crazy. my mind is racing a mile a minute...i can't focus on one thought they just keep coming. There's so many of them..so many of them it hurts my head, my ears are ringing and I'm begging for it to stop, pleading for all the noise t go away and it won't. All the thoughts are just bombarding me and i can't get them to stop...why won't they fuckin stop?!!! What did I do to deserve this all?
---->Why was I raped?? Why did my very first boyfriend have to force himself upon me and taint me, forever fucking me up? Why couldn't he hear me screaming "no"?! Why couldn't he look into my eyes and see the pain and then in the next second see me go completely numb and empty? You know he said he loved me and I believed him. I truly beleived he loved me. 17 years old adn in love with a rapist...how fucked up is that?! How tainted and screwed up must one soul be to be in love with a rapist?!! Why does God, if he even exist, let people get hurt so much? Why does he let people get to the point of no return where the only option is to die selfishly?!!!! It won't go away...the pain and the memory of that day will never go away. The last image is him smiling and trying to hug me adn telling me he still loved me. I couldn't even look at him, let alone myself anymore. I can't look in the mirror b/c I'm tarnished...I'm ruined.
------>Why does my mother hate me so much?! Why did she beat me down so much that I feel nothing? Why does she care more about her alcohol then she does her 4 kids? For years I tolerated her abuse, verbally, mentally and occasionally physically..but at least then she touched me. I'm too fat for her, I'm not smart enough, I'm a lazy bitch as she would put it, and to this day she will not admit she said any of those things. It's all in my head she says..maybe she's right...about everything. About me being a failure, about me being too fat, about me being nothing. I feel like I'm nothing, I feel empty, after all the years of abuse, after all the days that she screamed at me telling me I was nothing. For God's sake, i was her only daughter and she hated me, she took all her remorse and all her anger out on me. We could have been really good friends, but she chose to destroy me, to fuck me up so bad that I don't even care if pain is inflicted on me. Today she's nothing more than a hateful, vengeful drunk. I see her a dozen times a year if that and all those times I see her I want to spit in her face and tell her what a disgrace seh is to me..btu I can't gain the courage to do that..I am weak.
----->Why am I still here?! Why haven't I killed myself years ago?! I'm ready to die, i feel dead on the inside, i just feel cowardly. Tonight i'm scared, overly frightened that I will take the final step off the mountain and plummet to my death, part of me doesn't care in the least, the other part of me thinks of Josh and how much I'd hurt him and I think of Dylan and how much I'd fuck him up..but sometimes it's not enough....sometimes giving up is the only way to go...Dylan told me tonight he didn't want me as an Aunt and even at 6 years old he killed me with those words. I was already so dark inside and those simple words made me think that why even bother?!
----->I want out of this hell that I am in..I want out of this house. I love my family so much but that love and that loyalty is killing me. Staying here is driving me mad, but i have no where to go until I save up enough money to get out. I want to go to New Zealand and get away from here and be with the one person I know loves me. I hate that God is torturing me by keeping him so far away. My dad doesn't acknowledge how hurt and destroyed I am, my older brother don't eveng et me started on him, Dylan is only 6, he doesn't know better adn my other two brothers i just hide it from..it's easy to do...hiding that is....hiding is the best thing I've ever done..and i should have stayed hidden...instead of becoming a burden here...i should have just hidden and rotted away...like i should be doin....i should rot.....yeah...rot..that's the word im looking for...ROT!
