This is it...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by necrodude, Aug 19, 2009.

  1. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    its time.

    i am a coward. AND IM SICK OF IT!!!

    im tired of being a slave to the safeguards my twisted mind has created to keep me safe.

    why be sad, when you can be angry at yourself for feeling that way?

    why weep tears, when you can shed blood and keep it all in?

    well i cant. everytime i fail, everytime i fall short or mess up, its the same story. i cut. i shouldnt have to. i want to just let it all out. but my mind says "NO!!! its too dangerous. youll be vunerable." IM VUNERABLE NOW!!! the things others may do to me is nothing to the horrors i make myself endure. "other people will betray you." im my own betrayer! i cant let other people hurt me because im too busy torturing myself!!!

    im trapped. i have the key to my freedom right here. but i cant use it. oh no. its to dangerous.

    i can say this, and its true. but i cant take action. not yet. im still to weak to face the outburst id release. the tears. the screams. its too much. but i will one day. i know i can. its just... its not safe for me too. not yet.

    but thanks to all of you, im getting closer. nobody near me understands. they couldnt help. but you, you do. you have.

    one day ill be able to set myself free from my dungeon. and hopefully you will be set free from yours.

    this is gonna be my first real step to recovery. but im not alone. we are all on the same path.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Stay strong okay like you say we will get out of the darkness withthe support of others here. Scream it out cry it out do anything but let the pain go and start healing okay trust someone anyone as it only takes one person to start that healing process. You can do this okay be a fighter a survivor.
  3. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    thats what i mean... unfortunately i have to do it alone. which makes it harder. there can be no turning back, and i just dont think i can do it by myself. :(
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    But you are not alone you have me and the forum the people here care. I don't know what i would have done if i did not find this place after being banned from other forum.. We support each other right so stick here with us until you get stronger okay
  5. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    its not that... i know i have you guys... its that i cant always get online. and i have a lot of stuff to face up to. im just worried that, if it gets too much... i wont be able to ask for help. nobody would notice.
  6. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    That's the thing man: IF it gets too much. Don't worry about the battles of the future. Focus on those of today. Look how far you've come along? Look how many days, maybe even years, you've remained alive by your will alone. Only you have to power to make or end your life and you've so far exercised it greatly.

    I've got faith in you. I'm sure that if that time comes, you would have mustered the will to get through it without needing to ask for help.
  7. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    i apreciate the confidence vote. and i cant reply negative towards it... it would only be cowardice.

    but im scared. it wasnt my choice to live this long. it was bad luck.
  8. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    Why bad luck man? Surely something must be keeping you going, besides 'cowardice'? The fact that you face your suffering everday and continue to live is evidence of bravery to me.
  9. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    something always stops it from killing me, and im afraid to say its destiny.