This is it....

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Forgotten_Man, Jun 6, 2010.

  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    This is all I will ever have, I say as I look around my disheveled room. I wake up on the weekend I see nothing but a mess, because I am lazy. My apartment is barely half unpacked and here I lie in bed alone. Alone is all I will ever have soon. As I am tired of my roommate. The only thing he does is give me the courage to leave my apartment. I look at what I have, a job, a place to call my own, and stuff.

    Then I think about what I want. I realize that will never come because I am to stupid and not confident enough to get me. I realize that I will watch Z from a distance until the day I kill myself or move. She will not have me back. She will use my depression or happiness to show that I do not need her. My depression lets her say she does not want to be responsible for my happiness. My happiness will make her say how I never actually needed her in my life. So I will lie here, in my room. I will want anyone who I see as attractive. I know they do not see me in the same light, like Y. Y just confuses me, she comes over and leaves. She chats with me over text message. She does not really like talking on the phone. She knows I want her, but she does not want anyone. I think she gets some kind of kick out of my want. Or maybe she is just shy. My depression tells me the latter. Will I ever change?

    My heart says no I will never change. I have invested $1000+ in personal training, yet I won't lose weight. I am too weak to lose weight. I say I want to get therapy. Yet I hide behind the shield of ignorance. I say I want to go out and go to a club. Yet here I am hiding behind depression. I lie here wondering if I will go... if I will be able to keep going... I use fear of my last experience with a club to drive me away from going. By club I mean anime club not a night club. I say I want to go out and socialize. Yet I find every excuse not too. I will never change. I cannot believe I got so manically motivated last Wednesday.

    This is all I will ever have. An empty apartment, devoid of all life except my own. A cluttered and messy apartment. I will not have a partner for my bed I will only have myself... I guess it is time I just got used to that fact.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    HI FM......I don't believe you are lazy....the depressions sucks any motivation right out of us....
    as for your roommate...that's a good thing he gets you out of there so use that to help you stay "out there"..
    I'm hearing you say lots of negative stuff about yourself....I wish you didn't....look at the positives..
    you do have a job
    you do have a place to live
    you do have a friend who lives with you
    you do have a female friend
    and you have your SF family who love ya
    and you don't sound stupid to me...
    so don't give up cos things can get better...
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    You know I am starting to think that this place is toxic to me too. I know you guys love me and there are plenty of others out there who need help more than I... However, I just cannot help but feel this is a toxic place... one reply depresses me... :sad: I just don't know...

    @IV2010: I know things can get better... they can also get worse...I am trying to live by my signature... trying to get better while I suffer. However... it is hard... my heart is so fragile from everything that has happened recently... how much failure can I really take?

    :hug: thanks for the encouragement... I will try to not lose hope.. to see the fact that I have some positives. Even if some are just me fantasizing.

    :hugtackles: thanks for the reply.
  4. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I think that depression makes it impossible for any of us to imagine having 'more' or being happier than we are now. I tend to think that I'm stuck living with my mom forever and I don't own anything that's worth... anything...

    That's just the depression and pessimism talking though.
    I'm quite sure of it.
    I used to be able to dream and think of good things all the time.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @KittyGirl: I try to tell myself the same thing. I try to tell myself it is just the depression. Then I wonder if the depression will ever go away or if it will remain my crutch To feel bad for myself, because that is easier than trying to enjoy life.
  6. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    wish i could get away from whats holding me down

    try to be strong i know thats hard for i am weak
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @kitanai: I am guilty of asking those who are weak to stay strong as well. Why is it so hard to escape the chains that hold us down?
  8. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    because we place locks
    on the chains destiny has placed on us

    for me its been living from one bad experience to the next

    for me its hard to see a future with someone
    sex is ruined for me
    dual personality with sucidal depression
    a body riddled with physical & mental damage or abuse
    i see no good out look
    only my dreams & desires that i cant reach
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @kitanai: We place locks and lose the key. Sounds about right

    I can releate to the fact that sex ruined me as well. I resent the woman who left me. I resent myself for being stupid. I guess that is why everything seems like a distant fantasy.
  10. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    ya we sound alot like
    i struggle everyday
    i feel i deserve a day off from myself
    cause im on overtime
  11. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    A day off would be nice, however, I do not know when it will come. I just wish I could shut off all these feelings