This is all I will ever have, I say as I look around my disheveled room. I wake up on the weekend I see nothing but a mess, because I am lazy. My apartment is barely half unpacked and here I lie in bed alone. Alone is all I will ever have soon. As I am tired of my roommate. The only thing he does is give me the courage to leave my apartment. I look at what I have, a job, a place to call my own, and stuff. Then I think about what I want. I realize that will never come because I am to stupid and not confident enough to get me. I realize that I will watch Z from a distance until the day I kill myself or move. She will not have me back. She will use my depression or happiness to show that I do not need her. My depression lets her say she does not want to be responsible for my happiness. My happiness will make her say how I never actually needed her in my life. So I will lie here, in my room. I will want anyone who I see as attractive. I know they do not see me in the same light, like Y. Y just confuses me, she comes over and leaves. She chats with me over text message. She does not really like talking on the phone. She knows I want her, but she does not want anyone. I think she gets some kind of kick out of my want. Or maybe she is just shy. My depression tells me the latter. Will I ever change? My heart says no I will never change. I have invested $1000+ in personal training, yet I won't lose weight. I am too weak to lose weight. I say I want to get therapy. Yet I hide behind the shield of ignorance. I say I want to go out and go to a club. Yet here I am hiding behind depression. I lie here wondering if I will go... if I will be able to keep going... I use fear of my last experience with a club to drive me away from going. By club I mean anime club not a night club. I say I want to go out and socialize. Yet I find every excuse not too. I will never change. I cannot believe I got so manically motivated last Wednesday. This is all I will ever have. An empty apartment, devoid of all life except my own. A cluttered and messy apartment. I will not have a partner for my bed I will only have myself... I guess it is time I just got used to that fact.